September 26, 2009

self sabotage ?

I heard this term the other day on Dan Savages Podcast #150,  it was about a woman who had made it through undergrad, had a great life and everything going for her.  Her problem was that she had this sexual additiction where she was sleeping with random men, having unprotected sex, having anal sex, just doing anything and everything.  Well the sex advice columnist Dan Savage called her up and chatted with her, and then out of right field asked her why she didn't like herself.  I was a bit miffed at where it all was going, but listend intently.  Anyway with a bit more banter back and forth he informed her that she had a pattern of self sabatoge and that sometime when people are at their best they cannot accept it, so they begin to sabatoge their lives.  They will find something and carry it to an extreme until it really sets them back or destroys their life.  The issue is why are they doing it.  There is the million dollar question, what is going on in their psychie that they want to destroy their lives?  Now what does this have to do with me and my problem.  Well here I am wondering what to do with my life.  I talk things over with my wife and time and again back slide.  Now what is back sliding for me, well about estrogen and spiro, how about developing breasts and hips, and getting called mam all the time.  Well them many I follow here, I am sure that would not do well with their spouses, nor does it fit with mine.  So we argue, fight, make promises and then something in my life happens, I get depressed and turn to what gives me comfort, hormones and feeling more feminine.  Well although this suits me, it doesn't suit her and my family.  So my question is this a form a self sabatoge.  I have a great life, successful careeer, great kids, house, no real debt, I could go on.  SO, finding that things are at their best I am trying to destroy what I have...why?
At the moment I am off hormones, I take spiro, to decrease my testerone, which seems to help, although its like total menopause, I am hot and cold and always getting hot flashes.  No desire to dress up, the desires to be a woman are still there, I ams still missing something.  Self sabotage, I don't think so, I am sure it might qualify to some, but to others no.  My other question is what about others, would this fit them?
I throw this out as we are all looking for the magic bullet, the magic cause/cancer that we can cut out to help us deal.  I have yet to find it, the only thing I am told is to transtion, well not today...

3 comments:

Leslie Ann said...

What an interesting take! (I'm only up to podcast #98, but I listen to several a week.) The pattern of upset leading to further femming(?) rings very true for me. I've tried to make my wife understand that playing along will make me more content and stable, while isolating me or fighting with me will send me further down the path. She doesn't get it, and I suppose it's counterintuitive. I have a passive aggressive streak, which might contribute. But self sabotage? I'll have to think on that.

Calie said...

Bree, I completely understand what you are saying. I hate to use the term "trapped", but sometimes that is really how I feel. Sometimes I want to cry and sometimes I want to scream. But, then I remember the kids and the wife I so love and my career and how I really do not want to chance giving all of that up.

The desire to dress, for me, went away long ago. Yes, I still do maybe once a year or so, but that is not what I am all about. I am a female inside and I should be on the outside. Why I was not born that way, I'll never know. Why I don't change my sex to match my gender...well I think about that all the time but I have to keep reminding myself what I would have to give up if I went in that direction....and I still may if I ever give up fighting....but I hope I can stay strong.

Not sure any of this makes sense.

Calie xxx

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