April 12, 2011

depression sucks

OK, so you knew this already.  Depression is a disease that for the most part effects everyone who will read this post.  Depression is best described by that commercial, you know the one where the significant other looks sad, lays around, and others appear frustrated with them.  I can’t recall the drug at the moment, but I definitely feel that the commercial does capture it all.  When those drug commercials appeared on TV, I did point to them to my wife and say, “that is how I feel” her response...”I know.”  So what causes it, what can you do about it, does it ever go away?  I have a flight of ideas going on here so bare with it a you listen to my spiel.

Cause?  Well I would suppose for those reading here and now, its a gender issue, an issue where we want something or believe that we want something that we cannot have, at least at the moment.  Why can’t you have it?  Well there this thing called “society” which is the most all inclusive term that I can conjure up at the moment.  This “society” doesn’t accept things that fall out of what it thinks “normal” is and therefore we try to hide who we are.  So in the process of denial we lie and become deceitful to those around us.  We harbor enormous amounts of guilt that we really can’t even talk about with other, as it falls out of that “normal” category, and to be honest, no one would really understand.  I can’t imagine talking about it with a close friend, or even a relative.  I can hear them now “I know how you feel”  really?!?! I will say that a group of folks who can come to understanding is addicts.  I am sure you just squirmed in you seat, or are a tad bit angrier than you were when you began to read this.  

Yes addicts, I say.  You are addicted to a feeling, a feeling that won’t go away, a feeling that is built into you basic matrix, and is something you may wish that it wasn’t there.  If you have never read some of AAs readings, take some time out and read what they have, I bet you will find many similarities.  Anyway back to cause, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain (many times genetic), that I have been told will be there even with a gender change, so just know that.  Depression is basically a sadness.  It is magnified by weather, surroundings, people, places, and things.  Admission of the depression and what its cause is, is definitely a step in the right direction.  

So I said chemical imbalance, yeah that’s it.  Your brain isn’t producing the right amount of serotonin and therefore you feel sad and unmotivated.  So what can you do about it?  Pharmacology, and counseling.  Now here is where it gets iffy.  Pharmacology isn’t an exact science, and some of the side effect are sometimes just as bad.  You need someone who is experienced in prescriing depression medication and that would be a psychiatrist, not a mid-level provider or general physician, a psychiatrist is the only one who really understands the whole chemical interactions, so hopefully you have one of these types of physicians.

Counseling, that’s another place you really have to get someone who is qualified for your specific issue.  I will go on the premise that everyone here is gender variant, so you will need someone who is familiar with gender issues, don’t go with a rookie either.  I once went to a counselor who was more curious in asking me questions about gender issues as she had never met one of us, than she was with talking to me about my issues...we only talked once.  I also had a counselor who I beleived had my best interest, I now think she wanted me to transition, so along with my wanting to transition, we made a great pair, except one thing...I don’t think now, that I needed that and she just fed the monster...bad.  Then there is free counseling through support groups or online, well the problem here, they feed the same monster, and well in the end that isn’t healthy either.  I will say this, if someone tells you what you want to hear, and that is to transition, get a second opinion!  Sometimes that’s not even enough, but that’s another story.

So its chemical, you need to take medication, and you need to talk to people (licensed professionals) but will this ever go away?  According to my licensed professional the answer is NO! It may get better and subside, but never go away.   Also being sad is normal, it is a usual emotion, being sad and being incapacitated with life, that’s clinical depression and needs to be treated.  What can aggravate depression, well the list is long, but I will hit the highlights.  Lack of human contact, alcohol, drugs (recreational), cloudy weather, lack of physical activity, lack of spirituality (not necessarily religion), hormones, and many other things, yes the gender incongruity also aggravates it too.  What not to do?  Let me throw out a list of things NOT to do: suicide, take drugs, self medicate, deny your depressed, get a sex change, I could go on, but I have already gone on too long and too random so I’ll stop it there.

Me what about me, the author.  I am depressed, depression/anxiety runs in my family.  I take medication (Wellbutran 300 to 450), I see a psychiatrist, fired my counselor, talk to others about my gender issues, try to exercises, stopped hormones, and try to find joy in life (still working on this one).  As for my gender issue, well I have taken the transsexual option off the table and put autogynophelia on the table.  I then treat the autogyno as a sexual addiction, and find that its working much better than before.  My depression lifts from time to time, and I believe I have bought many more years with my family.  These years I bought, well two years ago, I was sure I wouldn’t have, and that would have been due to transition or suicide, both of which I have beat for the time being, and hope I never see their ugly faces any time soon, if ever at all.
Thanks for taking the time to listen, I hope I helped, I hope I didn’t hurt anyone, and I hope I stimulated you to think about the whole thing from a slightly different angle.  Shoot away with the comments, as I am sure they should run the gambit.

Cheers for now


March 31, 2011

No Real Friends...

There seems to be a topic trending a tad bit in the blogosphere, and that is the realization of being friendless. I can say I have no real friends any more, at least no friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. I can say I try at times, but for the most part, I have no friends. I have many online friends, and I can say that those whose company I seem to enjoy the most live the farthest away. At one time I could swear that I could write a mathematical formula where the ratio of friendship and similarities was in direct proportion to distance between us.

Why is it I have no friends? Well in a nut shell, I don't have anything in common with many other males. I don't really like sports, I don't like cars, or hunting, or any other male dominated activity. I like fashion (womens), I like sappy love songs and romantic comedys, I love shoes, and bags, and I enjoy a bit of gossip too. I can stand with a group of women and so hold my own. I can hold my own so much, that I believe that many will forget that am even a man, although I get the "oh you a man, so you don't get this." Yes honey I do, more so than you think...I quietly think to myself. Then my wife is like why don't you go stand with the men and talk. So I wonder over to the group listen, then go wonder off by myself or go play with the kids. I also get told by my wife not to hang out with the women, "it looks bad" she says...looks bad how? Oh yeah, I forget now, me hanging out with the women, someone will eventually put it all together and figure out that I am trans-something! Yeah thats it, mind you, no one even those closest to me has figured it out, but me hanging with the women, someone is bound too in that brief time at a party or friendly gathering.

I can say at work I have friends, whom are all women. Now mind you I work as a nurse in a hospital and 90% of those I work with are women. Those women I am friends with talk to me like I am one of the girls, we talk about women stuff all the time. This is one of the reasons (and excuses I give if questioned) I can hold my own with a group of women outside of work...I work with all women, we girl talk every day, that pretty much all I know! So why aren't they my friends...well because I am a guy in my everyday life that is. My wife gets jealous, and their husbands get jealous, so no outside work friendships. I sometime want to come out to my girlfriends and say "hey I will dress up as a woman and then we can hang out, will that work?" I once had a friend in college I hung out with, and I ask her one day if her husband cared...no she says, I told him you were gay! I will say he was a tad pissed when he found out I wasn't, but hey I guess I could've told him, "its OK, I'm trans." I am sure he would have understood, although my fiance, who is now my wife would have freaked, if one I would have told the truth. Hmmmmm

Its only recently that I have scheduled dinner with a couple of friends (more than one at a time is a requirement) that my wife has said to have fun. She doesn't feel like I will run off with another woman anymore. I think she's more scared of gay males and other trans folk now...I think she doesn't know what to be scared of, which sort of explains an occasional act of jealousy outburst.

So what say you? Do you find you have friends, or are you wondering out and about alone? If you don't have friends why not, have you ever thought about it? When I was seriously considering transitioning, I was looking forward to having girl friends, that I can say. One of the thought I had, was that I would finally have a best friend, although I am not so sure I would have told her about being trans, but then I think she should have know as if there was a problem, its better to have told the truth and be denied, than tell a lie, be found out later, and then be pushed away.

Anyway, I am a bit curious what you think, and look forward to your feedback...

March 14, 2011

great nongender issue blog!

While cruising the great information super highway I happened to stumble across a great blog/website. The main focus of the site was what to do immediately after being fired, and I did enjoy that post, but having a bit of spare time I decided to read some more and low and behold I found that this person is a great writer, who also knows how to make you feel better. He is also a realist, tells it like it is. I so like those people, I know if I could do something like this person it would be to put the same quality of blog out there.

The site is:


Its a business sort of blog, and I think it could provide much inspiration to those out there in transgenderland. Damn! I thought I could get through this post without mentioning "it" but no such luck. One thing I will promise is to make this a short post...you're surprised I know! Anyway, take a pause in your blog reading of trans issues and stumble to this site. When your done, cruise back here and tell me what you thought...I promise you won't regret visiting his site.



February 20, 2011

history repeats, when does it stop?!?

While reviewing some medical journals this week I stumbled upon a treatment that was new and ground breaking, and then think to myself that this was talked about 20+ years ago, and it seems like its getting another round.

I watch some TV shows and notice similarities between those I watched long ago, and then I think to some of the movies that are out and many seem to be a rehash of ones that have already come and gone.

Then there is the abortion debate heating up again, along with unions. Isn't there enough going on with the financial crisis that we need to put these age old debates and histories to rest for a bit?

Then there is the world with all of the uprisings here and there, revolutions and such, and I think hasn't this already happened before?

I seems as if there is nothing new anymore, maybe I can drag out an old blog post or two, post them and no one will know the difference? Well I suppose I could if I posted more and had too many to remember.

Then I think of the lives of many transgender, and how many get it right opposed to those who just repeat over and over again. Is there anything new? I know they say history repeats itself but why? Is there not enough ways to gather information so that you don't repeat? I can say I sit idle or even have learned from my past which path I choose and I do hope history doesn't repeat as I know my spouse feels the same way, and that is probably her biggest fear, is that history will repeat itself. I do hope it doesn't and seem to be aware of myself enough that I know when to apply a stop break and regroup.

So am I exceptional, I don't think so, although I have been told I think out of the box and am exceptional. I still think that I don't but it does sink in enough for me not to be aggravated with things at times. What is the problem? My first instinct is that we don't hold others accountable, or accountable enough. The medical article I read should have never been published, they investigater should have been told thank you, but its not new information, so we won't print it. But see they were from John's Hopkins...so maybe it was their clout. Maybe if someone has enough clout they can push an old idea so that no one challenges it, or maybe we are too apathetic to care, and so history continue to repeat.

Maybe history repeats until it fails...I can say that may have happened in many cases I know of. So are we doomed in 20 years to see that they have remade the A-Team movie again, and will do so until no one will watch it? Although it seems that was its last showing. What about all of the Marvel stories coming out? Same recipe, will they continue till we don't go see them again? What about history and unrest in the world will that repeat? I believe the answer to all of my questions are "yes."

Moral of the blog...watch for repetition and call it as you see it. Don't forget to hold other responsible for quality and not quantity, especially when they start to repeat, especially when they start to repeat, especially when they start to repeat. ENOUGH!

February 08, 2011

spewing hatred

As I get back into the blogosphere I am astounded by all of the hatred within the trans-community, under the big transumbrella. I have read many who have pointed out this hatred and are also astounded by the infighting that goes on within our community. Now I can say I really haven't been hit with much venom myself, although I do visit a friend of mines Facebook page and was the receiver of a bit of nastiness. I expected it from that group so I let it roll off.

Now I recently posted a comment on Halle's page where I identified that maybe since there is already so much hatred in the world at this moment, that it is just spilling over into other arenas, this could definitely be the case. I mean if I hate where the nations is at, don't have a job, and have limited resources or support, I can see how I might be bitter. Being trans also throws another wrench into the whole mess. Also I believe hatred is contagious, if those around you are hateful, then you are also more likely to be hateful your self.

Being trans can make you bitter, make you hate the world, and you are certainly fighting off some mental health issues to go along with it all. Mental health to me is defined as depression, ect...so don't flame me yet for the comment. Being trans you have you share of being rejected and or dealing with all kinds of loss and rejection. I can say there was a time in my life where I was hateful to the world because I was trans. Why? Well society puts you in a box that says you have to behave and look a certain way, if you don't you are ostracized, made fun of, or generally harassed. Well I could fake it with the best of them to fit, but I hated the world for having to do it, and I certainly let the world know it, by attacking whom ever, how ever it suited me.

Today, I am good with the world. I don't hate, I try to love and accept. I basically decided that too much time and energy went into the hatred. I decided that it served me no purpose to be this way, in fact I finally learned that it hurt me with others, and so I changed the way I behaved...it wasn't easy and it took a long time. Now I will say I never picked on the underdog, never harassed someone who was less fortunate or different. In fact I did use some of my inner anger to defend those, just to push against society.

So what do we do about it? If I have learned anything it is the fact that if you want change, you have to be an active catalyst in effecting that change. That is not to say the change won't happen if you don't get involved, but if not you, then who? People need to be called on their behavior, now it needs to be done in a considerate manner as you would not want to stoop to the same level, even though that may be the only manner in which they respond too.

Thinking back on my career as a nurse, we as nurses eat our own, not only that, but physicians also pick on nurses, and are just mean, because they are the doctor. Well one way we fought against all of this was to, all go stand around the person being attacked, and say WE will not stand for that behavior, nor will we allow it. We as a community should be the same way, we should not stand for another to be attacked, we should stand with them and say that the behavior happening will not be tolerated. I believe since trans folks are appearance focused, tell them that their behavior is UGLY and it makes them UGLY. So a dialog you might say is "you behavior is mean and ugly, it makes you ugly, so stop it or go away!" If enough people tell them this, and if enough stand together to say the same things, then maybe eventually they will get a clue.

Changes in peoples behavior is hard, especially if that is the way they have always been. They may not change, but even so, they will eventually go somewhere else, somewhere their behavior is tolerated. Wouldn't it be nice to rid the trans community of those hateful people...actually I just wish they would be nice and stay.

Oh well...not yet feeling the rhythm of it all, but its getting there.


January 15, 2011


This story was posted on another blog (Lost in Transgender) and I found it to be a very poignant story and a story of things not necessarily considered. The story is "Runaway Train" and can be found at:


The brief synopsis is about someone who transitioned at an early age and believe it to be a mistake. She makes the best out of what she has gone through, but does have regret. As I read the story I saw some of myself in the story at certain points and could even project myself to see how I could feel as she did in the end.

Now I will say that the story has some odd questions to where it came from or how it originated, or if it is even real. Real or not, the story should cause one to stop and reflect. If it makes you think just a little, consider something you have not before, then it was worth it, if not, well it was a light read.

Again there are so many success stories and you can do it stories out there, but you never ever hear of those who regret, why is that? I can so bet there are many more out there who do regret the whole thing and wish they too would have gotten off the train before it reached its destination. They wished they too could have pulled the cord.

I am by no means saying that you the reader are on this path, but it is a serious question you need to ask yourself. Unfortunately you will never know the answer unless you get on the train. My theory on it, is if in doubt (even a little) then don't. You have made it as far as you have on the current path, why not continue? Why not take side trips to genderville from time to time, but not build a house there. With that, there are some that might find genderville is a place that they should live, so build your house upon that rock and take joy in it. But should you build you house on the sand in genderville it will come crashing down. My question is what is the rock and what is the sand? The sand are those who build on cloths, those who take pictures and pose.

Building on the rock, well only those who build can tell. I cans say my life probably won't end up that way.

Enough with analogies, and prose. I think I have come close, but not hit this one on the nose...

Read the story, reflect on your own, let me know how you feel or even if you think its real.

OK I'll stop with the rhyme.....


January 04, 2011

a new year

Well its a new year and new expectations await. I have taken a bit of time off up till now and really don't know why. I want to say it is because I had nothing really to say. I watched many from afar and would occasionally put a comment in here or there. One thing I know is that my tide rise and fall still continues to happen, and there are sometimes when I can ignore it, and it will seemingly go away for a short time. At the same time when I am more active, then I think about the whole transition thing more. I am sure my wife would say, "well then just stay away!" Although that never works either. Sometimes I will max myself out on gender surfing and that also makes it so it has no power over me either. Can't seem to find that happy medium.

I see that autogynophelia (AGP) is starting to grab more attention on the blogosphere. I am seeing more TG going over to that camp. I must say that I have visited there too, and can find many similarities within myself in relating with that. I see that some gender challenged individuals really take issue with AGP and to me those are some of the ones who really need to look closer into themselves as I am sure they may find they relate more than they like too, although I am sure that is why they get so fired up with AGP.

For me in my real world, my job is a bore, and I am having challenges staying interested as I am not challenged and a lot of my work seems meaningless. I am applying for different positions in my organization and outside my organization. I will say that I will always look for those companies and leaders who are a bit more liberal, as you never know when the mood will strike to transition.

I don't think I will return to school, I am schooled out, although there are some fun things I would like to do. I did get an iPod for Christmas and I want to spend more time on that, although I already spend too much time playing "Angery Birds & Risk" both of which I have conquered.

Family life is ever busy, having three kiddos takes a lot of time with extracurricular activities. My kids are really world class, excelling in what they take on, they get much of their creativity and leadership from me, and it has served them all well. I will say that it will sometimes make things at home challenging with having all leaders in a room as no one wants to follow, and since I am the oldest I demand they follow me, although I still loose from time to time. I want to add it is getting more challenging with electronics and having smart kids around, and me not leaving a digital trail. I do often wonder if they know who I am, as it would not surprise me, and many times I have wanted to sit them down and explain it all, but I am afraid my wife would have kittens fall from her uterus if I did.

Well that's about it for now, my New Years resolutions? Well, loose 10 to 20 pounds, change careers, master my iPod and use it professionally, lastly maybe get out as my fem self, I haven't done that in over a year, but long too on rare occasion. Yes I should strive for four times a year, thats not too much I don't think, or is it?
As always thanks for taking the time, and showing interest. I do appreciate all the feed back provided. I appreciate you being there and sharing a part of you with me. I hope you have a great year also and I hope you accomplish what you set out too do.