November 27, 2009

Day of the big poop!

OK so that isn't the best title in the world, but it does offer a bit of humor. Yesterday I stuffed myself although not to maximum proportions, but stuffed. It all has to go some where, today it exits. My day yesterday was not exciting at all, rather comforting. I spent the day with immediate family, no one else. No faking, no pretending to be sports minded, just wife and kids. I can say that I am definitely thankful there. My wife asked my what I am thankful for and I said "I am still here with you and the kids" She kissed me and said "me too!" OK so see the hold out has its rewards. I also wonder looking on the bleak side how many sisters are out there alone without their families, and to those I ask is it worth it? I do have one friend and she always says yes it is. She gave up her wife and 3 yr old daughter. She still sees them, but not on the holidays. I do reflect when at times while in a moment on how that moment would be different if I were to transition, yes I would definitely manage, and I am sure I would have friends and such, but at the same time it wouldn't be the same, so is the outer covering worth it, you know the old adage, can't judge a book by it cover, well I am sure there is something in there for us too.

Next item, black friday shopping and Christmas. For those of you who are reluctant to shop for whatever reason, well now is the time to shop for whatever and play it off as a gift. Now for those of you who can't shop as you are scare of being found out, well rethink the whole transition thing, its not meant to be. If you can't shop for your own stuff then, well you need to rethink the deep feelings behind all of that.

I have a story that sort of changed my life a bit a sort of turning event. I was on my way to Transitionville, and decided that I needed to to a quick try out, my wife even agreed. Her terms over last summer, move out for 10 days (kids were away at camp) and live on your own as a woman, except for work. I work as a nurse so being in scrubs is the same anyway. SO I am like I can do it, I arranged for a place to stay, and started organizing it all. Well as I am planning to temporarily relocate I realized that I had bought a whole string of baseball tickets, earlier in the year and that a game would fall in my trial run. I ask my wife to go with me, said I would present as a male and we could go have sort of fun. She fires back, I am not going anywhere with you as a woman, and this game is in your trial time, so you have to go as a woman. We had set up some of the rules earlier and one rule was to live my life as I normally would, no changes! Well I did find someone to go with me, another sister who would have gone in guy mode, well I really reflected on the whole thing and in the end couldn't do it! My thoughts then are if I can't go to a baseball game as me, then maybe I need to rethink it all. Now I can say there are many details left out here, many thoughts, feelings, and interactions. The point of it all is what is our comfort level. My thoughts were that if I were a true TS to the core, then I would have welcomed this outing, and in the end it scared me to death! So I must not be ready, and I backed out of the whole trial, can't do the one then you don't get the cake. One thing I was always told by my wife, can't have your cake and eat it too. How many want just that, we want it on our terms, well thats not how the world works, so thus I struggle with all the feelings and wait till I am ready to go to that ball game.

Well thats the end for now too much going on, time to go to the porcelain thrown and rid myself of turkey...another thing what do I do with some of my humor, does it get put aside as its not lady like? More thoughts, something more to think of...

Happy Poop day


November 11, 2009

Pulling back

Pulling back

In the last several weeks I have really been pulling back with my online presence. I have pretty much decided that I won’t ever transition and so am really just lying low as I like to call it. So I went into a paint program and drew up a stick figure of me and replaced my pic on all my sites (except this one) and pulled off a great deal of information about me and such. I have found that if I am not online immersing myself in the whole gender thing it is better. It is harder to pull myself back. I have also found that creating an online presence of my male self has cause a diversion that has also helped. Let me tell you I was really plugged in, although I didn’t use all of the technology to its fullest. I can say that the noise in my head is starting up again and increasingly consuming my processing power. I have now been off my gender medications for several weeks, and the nasty feeling of testosterone is coming back. I so hate that hormone. It is not to my liking, I plan on staying off this time, now I will also say that will be hard as it has been like 3 to 4 yrs that I have been on some type of hormone or hormone suppressant. I have tried several times in the past, and have gone back on, I am sure that is not good for you, but I tried to quit multiple time and this time I do hope its it. For those who want to go on hormones, to see if it causes the “noise” to go away, well it does, but it also cause other side effects, such as decreased sexual ability, redistribution of fat, and an increase in emotional responses. I was told the other day that E and spiro have the ability to increase depression…who knew, I take antidepressants so wow, maybe I can get off of those too. Although when life throws me a curve, then I won’t hit a bottom like I used too before anti depressants.

Me pulling back also caused me to notice a few of my friends doing the same, which is odd how we are all linked together. With that, I wonder if more people discouraged you instead of encouraging you, would you end up in the same place or would you lean another way. I identified myself to a person I made an anonymous posting on their blog. Why anonymous, well when I was in my younger internet days, I would get so blasted by so many for making an alternate opinion to the group, and some can be so hateful, well if its anonymous, well they can’t really attack you personally. I did apologize to the person, as I did not mean anything mean by any of it, I just want to put an alternate opinion and I also want to acknowledge that I have had some similar feelings and well have been told similar advice by my therapist, so share the advice and all for free!

My advice to anyone who is a late in life trans, is don’t do it. Also the more you have and the more you have to loose is more of a reason not too. Find other things to occupy your time, go online but as who you present as everyday. One last thing I recommend is listen to all of the “Radio Lab” podcasts, and when I say listen, I mean really sit down in a quiet area, and listen to them, I listen in my car on my way to work, and I can say I haven’t listened to anything else in the last several weeks. They give you an idea of what its like to be human, and why it is we do the things we do, they also have the scientific proof behind them as support for what they say, nothing like a bunch of scholars saying that your brain does this because of evolution, or how about there is no such thing as free will…WOW! Here is my take on quantum physics and me, in all of my other life's in the other dimensions, I am a woman, and in this present time here and now, I am stuck as a male, so I will deal with it, and just know that in an infinite number of other universes I transitioned or I was born a female. I just feel the waves of incongruity here and now. I also believe that we are the next step in human evolution, we are the more domesticated human. Did you know that the more you take the wildness and beast out of an animal the more feminine it becomes…that being female is being more evolved. How about that! Well I could go on, but I am so not doing anyone any favors and I am defiantly not doing justice to the Radio Lab podcast. So curl up late at night when all is quiet and listen, listen to those that seem to pertain to you at first, then listen to the rest. Here is the link and it is also on I tunes.
Some of those that will help with your decision are: Stress, Choice, Who am I, Detective stories, Morality, Sleep, Zoos, Stochasticity, What is normal, and actually all of the rest have some useful facts. If and when you do listen, do this for me start pulling out those parts that you can relate to your life as a transperson. When I listen to them on a second round (I haven’t listened to them all yet) I want to start pulling out true facts, and I want to really present a truth. See I believe the answer is out there, its just assembling it all together to make sense. I would defiantly like some feed back on this, and it can even be anonymous, as any feed back is good feedback and all the better if you challenge me, how else will I know if I am right? If it can’t take a good challenge then maybe it isn’t true….

Thanks for listening