November 27, 2009

Day of the big poop!

OK so that isn't the best title in the world, but it does offer a bit of humor. Yesterday I stuffed myself although not to maximum proportions, but stuffed. It all has to go some where, today it exits. My day yesterday was not exciting at all, rather comforting. I spent the day with immediate family, no one else. No faking, no pretending to be sports minded, just wife and kids. I can say that I am definitely thankful there. My wife asked my what I am thankful for and I said "I am still here with you and the kids" She kissed me and said "me too!" OK so see the hold out has its rewards. I also wonder looking on the bleak side how many sisters are out there alone without their families, and to those I ask is it worth it? I do have one friend and she always says yes it is. She gave up her wife and 3 yr old daughter. She still sees them, but not on the holidays. I do reflect when at times while in a moment on how that moment would be different if I were to transition, yes I would definitely manage, and I am sure I would have friends and such, but at the same time it wouldn't be the same, so is the outer covering worth it, you know the old adage, can't judge a book by it cover, well I am sure there is something in there for us too.

Next item, black friday shopping and Christmas. For those of you who are reluctant to shop for whatever reason, well now is the time to shop for whatever and play it off as a gift. Now for those of you who can't shop as you are scare of being found out, well rethink the whole transition thing, its not meant to be. If you can't shop for your own stuff then, well you need to rethink the deep feelings behind all of that.

I have a story that sort of changed my life a bit a sort of turning event. I was on my way to Transitionville, and decided that I needed to to a quick try out, my wife even agreed. Her terms over last summer, move out for 10 days (kids were away at camp) and live on your own as a woman, except for work. I work as a nurse so being in scrubs is the same anyway. SO I am like I can do it, I arranged for a place to stay, and started organizing it all. Well as I am planning to temporarily relocate I realized that I had bought a whole string of baseball tickets, earlier in the year and that a game would fall in my trial run. I ask my wife to go with me, said I would present as a male and we could go have sort of fun. She fires back, I am not going anywhere with you as a woman, and this game is in your trial time, so you have to go as a woman. We had set up some of the rules earlier and one rule was to live my life as I normally would, no changes! Well I did find someone to go with me, another sister who would have gone in guy mode, well I really reflected on the whole thing and in the end couldn't do it! My thoughts then are if I can't go to a baseball game as me, then maybe I need to rethink it all. Now I can say there are many details left out here, many thoughts, feelings, and interactions. The point of it all is what is our comfort level. My thoughts were that if I were a true TS to the core, then I would have welcomed this outing, and in the end it scared me to death! So I must not be ready, and I backed out of the whole trial, can't do the one then you don't get the cake. One thing I was always told by my wife, can't have your cake and eat it too. How many want just that, we want it on our terms, well thats not how the world works, so thus I struggle with all the feelings and wait till I am ready to go to that ball game.

Well thats the end for now too much going on, time to go to the porcelain thrown and rid myself of turkey...another thing what do I do with some of my humor, does it get put aside as its not lady like? More thoughts, something more to think of...

Happy Poop day



Calie said...

Ah, another girl with a perverse sense of humor. At least I'm not alone, although I do suspect Leslie could qualify.

One thing about pooping, Bree, girls and boys do it the same way...

You never did tell us if you went to the game.

Happy Thanksgiving, girlfriend!

Calie xxx

bree said...

I did end going to the game, in male mode with my wife. We had a good time. I changed my outlook that day. At times I have regrets, most of the time I do not. In the end as we go through the holiday season, I am glad I made the decisions I did. We'll see how I feel in a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs. Thanks for being there Calie.


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