January 28, 2010

Quick change

Well I thought I would show a bit of progression here, I took this photo about 5 years ago, right before I started hormones (2 yrs) and it has been one of my favorite pictures for some time. It was in this time period I really lost all focus on cloths and pictures and all of the "stuff" that goes into the gender thing and I really discovered who I was really. I have recently read some good blogs about the differences between fetishist, crossdressers, transgenders, and transsexuals. I came to actually admit to myself who I actually was. I always knew deep down inside, but never admitted it. How much different life would have been if I would have admitted it earlier and acted on it earlier. I only hope in 5 to 10 year more I have it settled, although I don't think I ever will.

I will say that although I do know who I am, I do still have doubts and still have my hesitations. I once asked a friend if the "noise" of gender goes away after transition, they responded that it does. I do wonder how that must feel, to never obsess over something so very much, to have a clear mind. I consider myself above average intelligence and really see that increased intelligence seems to run at a higher percentage in our group, what could we have accomplished if we didn't have to deal with the whole gender issue? I always compare it to your PC, when you first get it, the speed at which it processes if phenomenal and then over time it slows down. When you try to run different programs they open slower and don't respond as fast, and why, well other programs are running in the back ground to slow things down. We all have them, they are family, work, daily activities, life, relationships, and then there's this big program that has to chew up at least 50% or more of the processing resources, its called transsexualism. Imagine if your computer fixed the problem and it wasn't there any more? What could you do? Well that's it for me its late and I am tired, cold, and hungry.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love you all


January 23, 2010

many many years ago

Many may have noticed that I recently changed my picture. I do this in the name of the past way back week that was just on Facebook and dug out the first picture I had ever taken of myself. It was about 3 mos after I got married (16 yrs ago) and I had also recently came out to my wife as a crossdresser. I basically introduced to her late one night lying in bed about 6 weeks after a halloween party we had attended where I dressed up as what you may expect. She took it hard for some time and learned to accept it, little did she realize that it would progress and grow to consume my life and hers. She always says that she would not do anything different, but sometimes I do wonder. I do wonder if she would have married me had she known, she says that she probably wouldn't have. Its very odd to see our pictures over times where you can see some of the changes with me. I guess the first was the eye brows, then facial hair then the effects of hormones which are way to many to list.

I always enjoyed the picture I have up, it was one of those times when I got everything just right, the clothes, the hair (wig), and make up. I used to work 12 hours shifts and had many days all by myself and really enjoyed the time. I did go out a time or two into the real world but just for a drive around. I had also gone out to a pretty great bar, about 2 yrs after this pic. I did slowly push the limits of all this over time, which I know many do, and my wife called my on every step of the way. It wasn't until the hormones really started to kick in that she had enough. I find it funny where her breaking point is (not really funny), and wonder if I pushed farther would she go for that too. I am too a point I really don't want to find out for the moment.

I have promised to really stay in this world of maledome and so therefore I don't take hormones. I don't really have a desire to dress up anymore. To me its not any real big deal as I see no real difference from that to my everyday dressing up. I feel empty at times or not myself, which is to be expected I am sure. My wife recently told me she would support my decision to transition, although I would not be allowed to live in my home with my family. I really, really don't want to give that up as they mean so much too me and they are my only real enjoyment in life. Now I do wonder if I transitioned if I would find enjoyment in myself, and yet still get to enjoy my family from time to time. I do have a job, and school, and thats about it otherwise, no real male friends, and not really anything else in my life to bring me joy. I have started on my second antidepressant, which is effexor, my first is wellbutran. I find it interesting to life my life with pharmacological support all just to stave off transition for the time being. recently my wife asked my time frame and I said I had none. Truth be told I did throw it out a bit ago, I was to transition this coming summer, but I have been able to hold off or at least I think so.

The biggest girly thing I do now is buy clothing on Ebay, which is my life tip for all of you for the year. I buy womens clothing lots, you can get like 5 to 20 outfits in one grouping for about 50 to 150. I have found this to be great, especially if you get lucky and few bid. Now I will ask that you don't rival me, at least I would appreciate it. So if you so start to bid on 12 to 14 lots let me know and I will shoot you my ebay name and won't drive up the price. Anyway you can get nearly new clothing that matches. If it doesn't fit or you don't like it then trash it. I on average spend about 5 to 7 an outfit for name brand stuff. Well I don't want to make it sound too great as I don't want the competition.

Well that about concludes this little post, thanks again for all of your support and feed back. Has anyone wondered if this interaction between all of us helps or hurts our efforts? If you want to not transition or if you do want to transition, does an online group of your peers help or hurt your efforts.



January 11, 2010

Doing the right thing is hard...

Doing the right thing is hard...

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine today and we were discussing transition and how she would move forward with it all. The thing I have is that she is with her girlfriend, and has been divorced from her wife now for about two years. So I asked why she was with her girlfriend and got "it feels good" and "sometimes we do that instead of what is right about who we are." Well I asked who are you? I got the standard answer, and I came back with "what about the fact that you are many people to those around you and isn't that right?" She followed it up with "doing the right thing is always the hardest" well I pounced on that one and said what is the right thing? transition or not transition? and what is the hardest, really? I can say that not transitioning almost seems harder than transitioning. Don't get me wrong each side of the fence has its hardships and which is harder? I can't answer this, many girls can, those that have stepped across into who they should have been born to be can answer the question. Now many will say different things depending on how close they are to their switch over day, as I am sure the farther you are away from the day you went full time, the easier it gets. So lets say I am 2 to 3 years into full time, I bet life is a whole lot easier than not transitioning at all and staying the coarse.

I will say that each side can probably make the same arguments about what is hardest. I am sure I can make a great list and make an argument for either side. One of my reasons for not doing it beside the love of my family is 'the pause' what is 'pause' you ask? Well pause is the feeling I get sometimes when I think I will just transition, I pause, and ask does this really make sense for you to do this. I pause and think is this really what I need to be or should be doing. The pause tells me that I am not 100+ percent sure of what I shoudl really do and therefore, when in doubt, do nothing! I am going to dog my friend a bit here, and if she reads this please forgive me. She has been divorced for a bit now, and is slow out of the gait to make the transition, so I say don't. I can say with a positive affirmation, if I was divorced I would so be on a big dose of hormones and definitely be gearing up to transition, which to me she is not, again the pause, and again my thought is don't do it. She doesn't agree with me and will transition anyway, which I can so totally understand. Anyway this is what is on my mind for the day, I know I haven't written as much as I should, but that was so last year and I hope to put up some good thoughts. I would love to hear from the quorum here....

Love ya all


January 02, 2010


WOW! what a year 2009 was for me. The biggest issue was that I came really close to leaving my family for a new life, but I stopped a bit short on that.

As we celebrated the holidays it made me thankful that I did not go anywhere as I appreciated every moment. The bad thing is that she (my gender issue) is always there, she never lets up, never tires, and is waiting for her chance to pull me away. I feel it all the time, and many times it saddens me to know that I cannot or will not leave. I have been on and off hormones and felt the effects. Feeling the effects of wholeness and completeness, to one of a menopausal depressed male, this gives me such a new tolerance for natal women who experience this. Watching my body change felt good and too go off and see it loose some of the effects well again was depressing. Now in looking at this one could say, you were always depressed why would you. Well I can say watching my daughter play soccer, interaction with my sons, and my wife had many happy times. I had many many good times with my family. It only seems that when I am alone or feel alone do I really feel the pull of the inner me.

I do not have many NY resolutions, my biggest would be to use my elliptical everyday and drop 30 lbs. I am also going to change my diet a bit so that it is healthier. I need to cut back on caffeine, but that's not a resolution as I know (and already have) I would break this, its just something that I would like to do. I want to help my friend through her transition as she is gearing up to start soon. This should be interesting to see if it effects me at all. I would like to make new friends who I meet up with, and have lunch and such with. I will finish my masters degree (in nursing) in February so that will be a major accomplishment that I will be so glad to complete. I would like to publish a nursing paper on informatics (my masters subject). I would like to learn a couple computer languages in the coming year. I am contemplating another masters in counseling, as I think I would do well and of coarse I would do gender and sexuality counseling and in my area there aren't too many. I want to spend more time with my family of coarse. My oldest son wants to spend the night in the Grand Canyon this summer, which I think would be great to do. I want to save more, spend less, pay off all debt, and conserve other resources. I hope to take each and every day one by one and get through them one by one. I would like to blog more, but it is hard to fit it in, although I so enjoy this community and the interaction. I would love to run a 5k or 10K, that to me would be a great accomplishment. I would like to be more honest with my wife about all of my gender feelings, although I am pretty much there. I would like to get to the doctor to get a few physical ailments cared for. Along my gender lines, I would like to work on putting together a better wardrobe, which I am getting there too, I would love to integrate some of that wardrobe into my current male one. Would love to get back on a moderate dose of hormones as I was feeling the best there, but I believe that one would move me out of the house. Well that's about it with my resolutions or goals for the New Year.

Earlier I wanted to do a blog on the Christmas move "It's a Wonderful Life" and draw analogies between my life and the life of Jimmy Stewart in the movie. I think it would have been a good thought provoking post. Someone else feel free to use the idea as I believe it would make an awesome post. I can say that I haven't posted much as my depression is at a peak at the moment so it slows me down. I believe the holidays do that, I am sure a few others have the same issue. With that I know the cause is from the fact I participated in all of the events of the holiday, and did it in male mode, the whole while thinking who I should be and how it all would be different. Jumping back to the Wonderful Life thing, if I did transition I believe I would fade into the wood work and go stealth, well in male mode I impact so many things at work and around me that I wouldn't be able to do in female mode, or at least not for a few years, not to mention you are taken so much more seriously in male skin than a female one.

Well I need to close this up, lastly I am so thankful to be included here with every one and share thoughts and feelings. This has helped me a great deal, Calie and all has made a major impact on me and what I do, at least for the time being. Well...Happy New Year to everyone, may this year be better than the last, and as the quote goes, may the sun be on your face and the wind on your back.