January 11, 2010

Doing the right thing is hard...

Doing the right thing is hard...

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine today and we were discussing transition and how she would move forward with it all. The thing I have is that she is with her girlfriend, and has been divorced from her wife now for about two years. So I asked why she was with her girlfriend and got "it feels good" and "sometimes we do that instead of what is right about who we are." Well I asked who are you? I got the standard answer, and I came back with "what about the fact that you are many people to those around you and isn't that right?" She followed it up with "doing the right thing is always the hardest" well I pounced on that one and said what is the right thing? transition or not transition? and what is the hardest, really? I can say that not transitioning almost seems harder than transitioning. Don't get me wrong each side of the fence has its hardships and which is harder? I can't answer this, many girls can, those that have stepped across into who they should have been born to be can answer the question. Now many will say different things depending on how close they are to their switch over day, as I am sure the farther you are away from the day you went full time, the easier it gets. So lets say I am 2 to 3 years into full time, I bet life is a whole lot easier than not transitioning at all and staying the coarse.

I will say that each side can probably make the same arguments about what is hardest. I am sure I can make a great list and make an argument for either side. One of my reasons for not doing it beside the love of my family is 'the pause' what is 'pause' you ask? Well pause is the feeling I get sometimes when I think I will just transition, I pause, and ask does this really make sense for you to do this. I pause and think is this really what I need to be or should be doing. The pause tells me that I am not 100+ percent sure of what I shoudl really do and therefore, when in doubt, do nothing! I am going to dog my friend a bit here, and if she reads this please forgive me. She has been divorced for a bit now, and is slow out of the gait to make the transition, so I say don't. I can say with a positive affirmation, if I was divorced I would so be on a big dose of hormones and definitely be gearing up to transition, which to me she is not, again the pause, and again my thought is don't do it. She doesn't agree with me and will transition anyway, which I can so totally understand. Anyway this is what is on my mind for the day, I know I haven't written as much as I should, but that was so last year and I hope to put up some good thoughts. I would love to hear from the quorum here....

Love ya all



caroline said...

To be free of family commitment and not have made some progress does seem to show a lack of real interest now that help is available for those prepared to fight for it.

As someone who failed to be helped 40 years ago and had to survive in limbo for all that time with no real place in this world. That is not an option I would recommend as I look back on a non life, no career, no pension to look forward to. No honest and true identity even with those who are in my circle of friends and think they know me.

To have the chance and not take it is madness.

Caroline xx

Melissa said...

Bree, how often are we ever 100% sure about anything? To not act, simply because you are not 100% certain, is to remain in a state of limbo. Sometimes in life, we simply have to to use our best instincts, and boldly proceed into the unknown, even if we only do it by taking baby steps. As always though, it's a personal decision, based on the unique experience the individual.

Melissa XX

Calie said...

Bree, I have had two fully transitioned friends, and well known bloggers, tell me in confidence that they would not have done it if they had the love and marriage that I have. These two do not know each other but their answers were identical. Both transitioned following divorces. Both are happy and successful in their new lives.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I should have been born female. I have known that since my high school years. I will say, without a doubt, that I would not hesitate a moment to proceed withtransition assuming I was single and financially able. But, I am not going to throw it all away in favor of living out my life as a woman at this point. I make it work and, in general, I have lived a very happy, satisfying, and successful life. I will never rule it out, however.

This is your decision, however, and all of us can only give you the benefit of our own experiences. I will continue to be your friend and support you no matter what path you choose in life.

Calie xxx

Lisa in Raleigh said...


At some point, all of us TGs have accessed where we are and what we need to survive and be happy in life. For some, there is no choice but to transition as the alternative is not living. For others, the drive is strong but not to the point that it must be done at all costs; that other factors, such as spouse, family, and career status need to be factored into the happiness equation.

Thirty years ago, I strongly considered transitioning and spent the better part of a year dealing with my feelings. In the end, I decided for a number of reasons not to transition, as I believed this path would allow me the greatest chance of having a rewarding fulfilling life.

I have no regrets over my decision back then, but that does mean it’s been easy (“doing the right thing is hard) and I have dealt with many of the issues you and Callie have raised in your blogs over the years….and continue to do so.

Would I have made the same decision today, if I was twenty now? Probably not, the times are different now. Will I want to transition at some point in the future? Maybe, as other factors in the happiness equation change. So I guess you can say I am thirty years into my Pause, so far.

Lisa xxx

Stace said...

I am currently in the middle of this thought and decision process.

The issue that I have is the same as Calie, and I have discussed it with my wife...

Perfect case for me (I think): Transition and keep my marrage intact.

That is never going to happen...

1) I transition and lose the GD and have a huge weight lifted, but lose the most important thing in my life
2) I don't transition, keep the GD (hopefully learn of a way to deal with it) an keep the most important thing in my life

Both of these options fills me with dispear, though for me 2) is best case, and I hope that I can do it - though I have my doubts.

Time will tell.

But then again what's good for me may not be good for someone else...


caroline said...

You also have 3) Wait till earl fifties when MIPIML finally lets you explore GD and finally slide towards what you want, first you have to live through the despair!

Caroline xx

bree said...

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I will have to go with Callie on this and stay where I can for as long as I can, and I do realize that I may not be able to for eternity, but will try hard to do so.


馮智堯 said...