January 28, 2010

Quick change

Well I thought I would show a bit of progression here, I took this photo about 5 years ago, right before I started hormones (2 yrs) and it has been one of my favorite pictures for some time. It was in this time period I really lost all focus on cloths and pictures and all of the "stuff" that goes into the gender thing and I really discovered who I was really. I have recently read some good blogs about the differences between fetishist, crossdressers, transgenders, and transsexuals. I came to actually admit to myself who I actually was. I always knew deep down inside, but never admitted it. How much different life would have been if I would have admitted it earlier and acted on it earlier. I only hope in 5 to 10 year more I have it settled, although I don't think I ever will.

I will say that although I do know who I am, I do still have doubts and still have my hesitations. I once asked a friend if the "noise" of gender goes away after transition, they responded that it does. I do wonder how that must feel, to never obsess over something so very much, to have a clear mind. I consider myself above average intelligence and really see that increased intelligence seems to run at a higher percentage in our group, what could we have accomplished if we didn't have to deal with the whole gender issue? I always compare it to your PC, when you first get it, the speed at which it processes if phenomenal and then over time it slows down. When you try to run different programs they open slower and don't respond as fast, and why, well other programs are running in the back ground to slow things down. We all have them, they are family, work, daily activities, life, relationships, and then there's this big program that has to chew up at least 50% or more of the processing resources, its called transsexualism. Imagine if your computer fixed the problem and it wasn't there any more? What could you do? Well that's it for me its late and I am tired, cold, and hungry.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love you all



Stace said...

I think that finding yourself is one of the most difficult things in life generally, let alone with all of the gender stuff...

And I love your analogy to the PC, so totally spot on.


Rebecca said...

Like you I always knew deep down who I was, but spent a lifetime trying to avoid admitting the truth to myself. From time to time I also wonder how life would have been different if I had accepted myself at a younger age, but I realize that if I had I wouldn't have gotten married and had my two wonderful sons, so things happen for a reason and this was the journey I needed to take in order to reach this stage of my life.

Interesting analogy about computer processors! Maybe it will help if I re-boot myself!

Melissa said...

I have often wondered how much my gender identity dysphoria has held me back too. I know that it lowered my confidence in myself as a male, and since I had to live my life as a male, it is bound to have kept me from progressing to my full potential. I know that I was far more intelligent than most of the men I worked with, and most of the men I worked for as well, but my inability to connect with them on a masculine level, made then uncomfortable with me.

I like that picture of you. I had no idea that was before you started hormones. You look so naturally female.

Melissa XX

Anonymous said...

wow this blog hit home.
I run at 50% most the time
75 % and I am on top at the moment.
God do I wish that 100% could come back.
Its like a computer virus that is clogging up the system.
Everything leads back to Gender.

Jenny said...

Yes, as someone who's just spent a day struggling to stay on message and deal with what I'm supposed to be doing for a living instead of mentally wandering off into girl country, this post hits the nail on the head.

Shame I don't have two heads, it would be really useful to pick which core I want to run that process on and leave the other one free to get something done.

Calie said...

You said a lot in such a short post, Bree.

It brought back something I wrote in a guest post for Lori's blog (the reason we first met, I believe):

She is always with me. She never leaves. She is often in my dreams. She can steal valuable time from me.

"She" is my femme side. The transsexual me. I have lost so much time in my life, and perhaps eventually actualy days of my life, due to the inner struggle I have gone through.

But, I continue to fight it as days go by, as will you I suppose.

I love the picture, Bree, as I do all of those I see who have filed comments on this post.

Calie xxx