February 07, 2010

Monster Trucks Pushing Through

Tonight I had the privilege of going to see monster trucks with my boys and had a wonderful time with them. Very rarely do just us three go out and do some guy thing. I will say that I hate that it is a guy thing though. My wife described it as a boys night out and I must say that every time she refers to me as a hard (confirmed) male I just cringe inside. I have never said anything to her about this, but it so stings when she does it. Anyway back to the trucks. So I suppose my ramblings here are about the fact that is a truly male dominated sport, and not just like some sports are male dominated, but there are different levels of testosterone that go with different activities and well this had to be in the top five. My thing is I really did enjoy going and seeing these machines run around the arena jumping over stuff and smashing things, does this disqualify me from being part of the trans group? As far as this is concerned I also like computers, I like some building stuff, although my wife would argue with me on that. I like math and science. I like action and destructive movies also. So what does that all make me, I get so confused. Now I will say while at the monster truck thingy I did appreciate the machines for the work of art and sophistication that they possessed, I enjoyed seeing their gracefulness as they jumped and turned and such. Now my boys, the youngest most of all, just enjoyed the "truck" aspect, the loud engines, the size of them, the fact that they were trucks! I also enjoyed seeing her reaction to all of the trucks as he truly enjoyed it all. My oldest didn't want to go, but ended up enjoying it in the end, so no loss there. Back to this testosterone thingy, can I do testosterone driven activities and get away with it? I will say that once I get over some of the initial shock, my desire to transition drops about 2-5% but on conclusion it all comes back, so no foul there. If I were to transition would I have to give it all up, I don't think I could. I know I would never be a girly girl and have no desire to be, which is one of the things that solidified to me that I am transsexual opposed to some fetishist or cder, the clothes don't do it, it is an inner feeling of completeness to look in the mirror and see who you expect to see and not some guy standing there. I will have to do justice to all of this later, as I do not think I am conveying it to my potential.

Next item as mentioned before the whole guy thing, the handsome, the husband, the man, the provider, the macho, the protector, the father, the boy, ect. I hear some of these terms and just want to say, no that is not me! I am not handsome or manly nor should I be. In fact stab me with a sharp object as it would hurt less. I can go as far to say that this will even trigger a depressive episode in my inner self and if not squelched will lead to a further down turn of emotions. The kind of down turn where you want to hurt yourself or run away, the true ugly feelings that I take medication for. They definitely earn their keep in these instances. I do believe I mentioned this once to my wife a long time ago and was told "you are my HUSBAND, and so therefore how can I refer to you any other way?" now this was many years before I took a turn for the worse with my feelings and such, where now she is a bit more careful with what she says. I want to tell her, but don't as it will bring up "are you going to transition and leave me and the kids?" and not wanting to have that discussion, I say nothing and just push through it all over and over again. That is a new term I picked up while working in IT, "push through it" when we are testing software and there is a flaw, we sometimes don't fail it, we push through it to see it the rest of it all works out. I don't like that as I think there will be a failure later when the system is bogged down without the resources to push through it and it causes a crash of sorts. So what happens when my resources are low and I can't push through it, well I do hope I never know. I also wish I would stop being called manly, or am I manly for being able to push through it, I know on a full dose of hormones I could push through it as I would cry. Now I can, so what is best, where is the compromise or trade off I don't think there is one, as I think it is all me, although my wife would argue that my body changes are her compromise I suppose she pushes through that and maybe even calls me manly as it helps her deal with what she sees...never a happy medium huh?

Wishing upon a star,

B

5 comments:

Stace said...

Bree,

I've just been answering these questions from almost everybody that I have recently told that I am trans.

I like motorsport, ride a motorbike, drive a quick Volvo and have a Spitfire waiting for restoration in Scotland. And I am a IT project manager and self confessed button /gadget freak.

Apparently this makes it difficult for people to accept who I am.

The only thing I can say to you is what people have said to me over the last few days...

Be yourself, you can't be excluded just because you are who you are. I am sure there are biolical girls out there that like monster trucks (my cousin used to watch it when we were growing up and nobody questioned her).

And I know what you mean about the way certain phrases can sting. I don't know what to do about that...

Hang in there,
Stace

Jenny said...

Hi Bree,
I was going to write this fantastic great post, and then I page down and find Stace has written it for me. Substitute a different model of Triumph among a few other details and that I've told less people, and Stace's post could be mine.
The bottom line is that you can gain pleasure from whatever you want. I've never seen a monster truck in the metal before but I know I'd sure be carried away by the spectacle!
My wife also touches raw nerves from time to time. She's aware that she can do it by accident but sometimes words slip out and usually she apologises. Living on a knife-edge strikes again I guess.

Melissa said...

Bree, if you are like most of us, you grew up having to conform to the reality of being a boy. That meant socializing with other boys and doing what they did. I also assume that like most of us, you entered adulthood socializing with adult males, and doing the things they did. After all those years of male socialization, you were bound to pickup a few interests that are normally deemed male pursuits. So what? If you like it, you like it. That doesn't make you a man. I'll bet there were a good number of women and girls at the monster truck rally too. Lots of women enjoy watching football, and other sports. That doesn't make them men.

I fully sympathize with you about the manly references. I hate it when people just assume that of me too. I try not to let it show, because it's part of our culture to just assume certain characteristics of anyone presenting as a male. But it can be depressing, and make you feel so alone at times.

Melissa XX

Calie said...

While my son was growing up I would spend virtually every weekend with him doing guy stuff. I did this for two reasons:

1 - I did not want him to be like me.

2 - I really did want to spend time with him.

I would read books on wood working, etc. I didn't have a clue about this stuff and had no interest. Nevertheless, I bought a lot of tools and learned to use them.

I also hated sports but would spend time watching football, NASCAR, etc. with him. We also watched the monster trucks on TV.

Spending my weekends with my son and daughter really helped suppress my inner desires. It was only after they recently went to college that I found that I had no other relief valves and weekends began to be GD hell for me. That's when I knew I had to come up with a way to cope and I started with the exercise thing.

My dear and closest friend, a blogger who some of you know, is about as girly as they get and if you look at her you would never suspect her past. Nevertheless, she did the guy stuff prior to transition including an absolutely beautiful new floor she put down in her house...and almost finished. Then came transition and it still remains unfinished. Funny how priorities take over your life.

Calie xxx

lisalisa said...

I think we all have these same thoughts, but it really just indicates what you like not who you are.
If you were bought up over here in the UK you may hate Monster trucks but like rugby or cricket instead.
I am sure a lot of this is to do with Nurture and not nature.
But once the passion is there, its there for good.
:-)
x