Tonight I had the privilege of going to see monster trucks with my boys and had a wonderful time with them. Very rarely do just us three go out and do some guy thing. I will say that I hate that it is a guy thing though. My wife described it as a boys night out and I must say that every time she refers to me as a hard (confirmed) male I just cringe inside. I have never said anything to her about this, but it so stings when she does it. Anyway back to the trucks. So I suppose my ramblings here are about the fact that is a truly male dominated sport, and not just like some sports are male dominated, but there are different levels of testosterone that go with different activities and well this had to be in the top five. My thing is I really did enjoy going and seeing these machines run around the arena jumping over stuff and smashing things, does this disqualify me from being part of the trans group? As far as this is concerned I also like computers, I like some building stuff, although my wife would argue with me on that. I like math and science. I like action and destructive movies also. So what does that all make me, I get so confused. Now I will say while at the monster truck thingy I did appreciate the machines for the work of art and sophistication that they possessed, I enjoyed seeing their gracefulness as they jumped and turned and such. Now my boys, the youngest most of all, just enjoyed the "truck" aspect, the loud engines, the size of them, the fact that they were trucks! I also enjoyed seeing her reaction to all of the trucks as he truly enjoyed it all. My oldest didn't want to go, but ended up enjoying it in the end, so no loss there. Back to this testosterone thingy, can I do testosterone driven activities and get away with it? I will say that once I get over some of the initial shock, my desire to transition drops about 2-5% but on conclusion it all comes back, so no foul there. If I were to transition would I have to give it all up, I don't think I could. I know I would never be a girly girl and have no desire to be, which is one of the things that solidified to me that I am transsexual opposed to some fetishist or cder, the clothes don't do it, it is an inner feeling of completeness to look in the mirror and see who you expect to see and not some guy standing there. I will have to do justice to all of this later, as I do not think I am conveying it to my potential.
Next item as mentioned before the whole guy thing, the handsome, the husband, the man, the provider, the macho, the protector, the father, the boy, ect. I hear some of these terms and just want to say, no that is not me! I am not handsome or manly nor should I be. In fact stab me with a sharp object as it would hurt less. I can go as far to say that this will even trigger a depressive episode in my inner self and if not squelched will lead to a further down turn of emotions. The kind of down turn where you want to hurt yourself or run away, the true ugly feelings that I take medication for. They definitely earn their keep in these instances. I do believe I mentioned this once to my wife a long time ago and was told "you are my HUSBAND, and so therefore how can I refer to you any other way?" now this was many years before I took a turn for the worse with my feelings and such, where now she is a bit more careful with what she says. I want to tell her, but don't as it will bring up "are you going to transition and leave me and the kids?" and not wanting to have that discussion, I say nothing and just push through it all over and over again. That is a new term I picked up while working in IT, "push through it" when we are testing software and there is a flaw, we sometimes don't fail it, we push through it to see it the rest of it all works out. I don't like that as I think there will be a failure later when the system is bogged down without the resources to push through it and it causes a crash of sorts. So what happens when my resources are low and I can't push through it, well I do hope I never know. I also wish I would stop being called manly, or am I manly for being able to push through it, I know on a full dose of hormones I could push through it as I would cry. Now I can, so what is best, where is the compromise or trade off I don't think there is one, as I think it is all me, although my wife would argue that my body changes are her compromise I suppose she pushes through that and maybe even calls me manly as it helps her deal with what she sees...never a happy medium huh?
Wishing upon a star,