Keeping things in an ever state of change and to mix it up a bit I thought I would change my blog background. I haven't played around enough to get the really cool schemes that some have, Lori's being one of my favorites that many of you know. So I chose a lighthouse and at the moment find it ever so fitting.
I know I would welcome a lighthouse in the distance to guide my way, I almost wish someone would come take my hand and lead me where I need to go. I am sure almost all of us would like that. This by far has to be the most difficult decision that anyone would make, a decision that changes everything. How can you honestly make that, and make sure it is the right one. I know I can't and thus the reason I am where I am. I always second guess myself always looking for better always trying to improve, but would changing my exterior be an improvement, something for the better? I think about this decision more than I think of anything else, ever. I think about this when I wake up and when I go to be. I once asked someone if that goes away, I called it noise, the noise that is always telling you something is wrong. She said it did, she said she no longer thought of it and that her brain was finally clear and she could rest. I thought wow, what a feeling that must be, to be clear of thought, to not think "somethings not quite right with me" or that "it just doesn't match, or make sense."
How many times have you ever wondered why it doesn't make sense, why something like this was thrust upon you. I know it makes me more tolerant of others that is for sure. It is a cross I bear that I would not wish on anyone, except those holier than thou bastards who think I am some sort of abomination or freak. Yeah I would wish it on them, but I am sure they too have their own cross, they just choose to make others lives miserable so they won't feel their own pain.
So, anyway my lighthouse, I am way too far out in the fog to even see it. My boat is adrift without any direction, and I am pretty sure it is slowly going in circles. As it turns in circles many storms wash upon my bow and toss my little boat from side to side. The winds tear at my sails, and rock my cabin. Very rarely does the sun ever shine, for it is always night. I can say that there are lights in the distance, those that lead me into rocks, or those that lead me out farther to sea. These lights are not the true light that is to guide me, for I probably will never see that light. If I were to believe in an after life I suppose that will be the light to guide me where to go, but I can't even believe in that.
I will keep the light house motif up for a bit, make it a sort of homage to something that will ever escape me. While adrift I do see other boats that pass, I call out and occasionally hear back, but I never quite get close enough to see them or get to realize who they are. From time to time I may bump into them, but as I run to see who they are they drift away, to never be seen again. I suppose I now realize why the lighthouse is a background, I am sure others feel the same. If I can't find the light I do hope to anchor near you, I do hope to shake your hand while standing on my bow in calm seas, but that too is just a dream, and no more will be reality that my light house throwing out her light, for she sits dark in the distance.