February 12, 2010

the lighthouse

Keeping things in an ever state of change and to mix it up a bit I thought I would change my blog background. I haven't played around enough to get the really cool schemes that some have, Lori's being one of my favorites that many of you know. So I chose a lighthouse and at the moment find it ever so fitting.
I know I would welcome a lighthouse in the distance to guide my way, I almost wish someone would come take my hand and lead me where I need to go. I am sure almost all of us would like that. This by far has to be the most difficult decision that anyone would make, a decision that changes everything. How can you honestly make that, and make sure it is the right one. I know I can't and thus the reason I am where I am. I always second guess myself always looking for better always trying to improve, but would changing my exterior be an improvement, something for the better? I think about this decision more than I think of anything else, ever. I think about this when I wake up and when I go to be. I once asked someone if that goes away, I called it noise, the noise that is always telling you something is wrong. She said it did, she said she no longer thought of it and that her brain was finally clear and she could rest. I thought wow, what a feeling that must be, to be clear of thought, to not think "somethings not quite right with me" or that "it just doesn't match, or make sense."
How many times have you ever wondered why it doesn't make sense, why something like this was thrust upon you. I know it makes me more tolerant of others that is for sure. It is a cross I bear that I would not wish on anyone, except those holier than thou bastards who think I am some sort of abomination or freak. Yeah I would wish it on them, but I am sure they too have their own cross, they just choose to make others lives miserable so they won't feel their own pain.
So, anyway my lighthouse, I am way too far out in the fog to even see it. My boat is adrift without any direction, and I am pretty sure it is slowly going in circles. As it turns in circles many storms wash upon my bow and toss my little boat from side to side. The winds tear at my sails, and rock my cabin. Very rarely does the sun ever shine, for it is always night. I can say that there are lights in the distance, those that lead me into rocks, or those that lead me out farther to sea. These lights are not the true light that is to guide me, for I probably will never see that light. If I were to believe in an after life I suppose that will be the light to guide me where to go, but I can't even believe in that.
I will keep the light house motif up for a bit, make it a sort of homage to something that will ever escape me. While adrift I do see other boats that pass, I call out and occasionally hear back, but I never quite get close enough to see them or get to realize who they are. From time to time I may bump into them, but as I run to see who they are they drift away, to never be seen again. I suppose I now realize why the lighthouse is a background, I am sure others feel the same. If I can't find the light I do hope to anchor near you, I do hope to shake your hand while standing on my bow in calm seas, but that too is just a dream, and no more will be reality that my light house throwing out her light, for she sits dark in the distance.



caroline said...

I think you have really captured the feeling with this post. I was decades lost and adrift hoping to be wrecked to end that life of limbo.

Last week I was still out there in the fog but this week the fog is gone. I had avoided getting conventional help but found myself swept into the system. After several months of anticipation I found myself accepted for what I always knew I was and offered a way forward. It was like the release of a prisoner incarcerated wrongly being given their freedom. The constraints are off and all that background chatter has gone and I am free at last.

Freedom is another challenge! Hope you get that challenge one day too.

I would make one change, hand shaking is a bit too butch for me, a hug would be nicer.

Caroline xxx

bree said...

I must say I concur about the hug verses the handshake, but have you ever tried to hug standing on two separate boats, and especially in bad weather, there's a recipe for disaster. Thank you so much for the kind word though :)

caroline said...

I was concerned about the logistics but I know how I shudder at hand shakes with all those old manly connotations!

Caroline xxx

Jenny said...

Extremely well articulated. And yes, you're not the only one who's wished for a Magic Gender Wand to bestow the wonders of gender dysphoria on the holier-than-thou bastards so they can see for themselves just how much fun it all is. Usually in my case it's tabloid journalists who incite this desire.

lisalisa said...

you are a very talented writer Bree!
I can relate completely, and have and do know those feelings well.
The times I get rid of the fog are when I just be myself and stop thinking or worrying about it.
I just am.
Then I feel right and content.
That tells me something.
It tells me that I cant ratioalise this completely, that my attempts to overcome it are futile.
I need to accept and then find a way to move forward to a place where I and my family are comfortable.

I hope your lighthouse shines brightly for you, through the fog, very soon.

Anonymous said...

Very well written Bree. The lighthouse metaphor is really good but might I add that there may be more than one lighthouse to guide us through life.


Calie said...

What a beautiful post that says so much. I love the lighthouse analogy and I love the new look.

Calie xxx