June 22, 2010

lazy summer...

I wanted to throw something out there as I have not in a bit. I have been lazy when it comes to my blog as I have sort of disconnected from it for the time, although I do like to read what is going on in others lives and I do comment from time to time. My comments are not my best works, as I am not really hitting on all six cylinders.

This summer has definitely been a summer of spending. First a new fence in my yard, then a new (to me) ski boat, a trip to the grand canyon with my son, another upcoming family vacation. That about taps it all out, yes it was all paid for in cash. This isn’t a bragging session of what I had in funds or what I bought, just an honest appraisal of what has been happening. I do live my life in material things. I did tell my wife when we married that I was a material girl living in a material world...does that count as a confession?

All of this has helped subside my gender feelings a great deal. I obviously still think about it or I wouldn’t necessarily be here, although I would write a good bye blog and not leave everyone hanging as to where I went.

Work has been pretty uneventful, and I would so love to find a new job as I am no longer challenged at my work. I am trying to expand my role and see if I can do more, but I am trapped in a square box that isn’t that flexible, got to love how IT is that way.

I have been in Phoenix AZ for the last couple of days, had a great time within the Grand Canyon. My son and I rode a mule down to the bottom and stayed overnight at the ranch and then returned on mule. It was about 5 hours both ways, and at the end everything hurt.

I have put on about 10 pounds this summer and feel horrible for it, its all male weight too, the weight that goes to your gut, opposed to female weight when on hormones that goes to your ass. I am probably the heaviest I have been in a long long time. I did get on the treadmill today in the phoenix heat (the treadmill is outside at my parents in laws) and did that for 15 min. Was doing good until the end of the day when I had a great many chocolate covered raisins, so much for the run.

I am wanting to write a paper for Calie on why not to transition, and have multiple ideas, but in the end it would be hard (at this moment) for me to tell anyone not too. Uh-Oh I see a mood tanking here as I write all of this out. I will write the paper, some time soon, the gist of it all, the only reason I have is the old Spock saying, “the needs of the many, outweigh those of the few, or the one.”

I hope everyone is having a good summer, as I am for the most part, I am looking forward to boating, its always a challenge to hide the girls, I am sure they would loose some mass if I did, but for now I deal with that too. Anyway, stay cool.


May 28, 2010

letter to a friend

Below is a letter to a friend I just wrote, I suppose I could have written it to a number of people who follow me. I happened to stumble across a "Crossdreamers" blog that lead to a few other blogs, all of which enlightened me very much. I read them all and do see myself (characteristics) in some of the ideas listed. My goal here is not to offend, but to make you think about the biggest decision you will ever make, and make it with the most information, whether you want to hear it or not. This is going to stimulate some conversation, please (I so know you all will) keep it respectful, honest, and sincere.


I have stumbled across some interesting information and I am sure from the links of one you can see what some of the subject matter is. Now I am sure there is a potential there to take offense, and completely shut down and not read the autogynophelia one. I can say I have been reading it for the last 2 days and see so many similarities within myself, you know I have always held some reservation with transitioning fully, there has always been something in the back of my mind that is like "just hold on one second and lets rationalize this for just a moment" some of these blogs have so much information that rings so true in my life. It is those things that we only share with ourselves and do not share with others as they are our deepest darkest secrets. We can then manipulate others into seeing our views how we want them to see them and get the result we desire in the end. You have shared a great deal with me in the past, some really personal things, as I read through some of this information I see you and I also see myself. You mentioned once that your counselor accused you of having vagina envy, and was reluctant to push you forward, that is in there. You also recently asked what about masturbation makes you feel better afterward and ashamed of your transness, that's in there. You have also mentioned torrid fantasies and actions (I believe) with other men in the past, also in there. That information is all discussed within these blogs. There is also information on shyness and other personal information that I again see in you and myself. I can say one of my arguments is that I have had these feelings since I was very young, so it can't be sexual, as I was not a sexual being at 3 or 4, well that too is in there.

What I don't want you to do is transition if you shouldn't, if there is another reason for feeling the way you do, I want you to have the information. Now that is not to say that you wouldn't be happy if you did transition, but eventually that happiness would wear off, it would loose its specialness. It looses its specialness as anything that you get too much of does. It is like the over eater, at first you feel comfort from the food, then after awhile you feel sick about what you have done, yet you do it all over again later. I don't know all the ins and outs of your psyche as I am not your counselor, but your friend. I am also not some wishy washy fanatic who is scared to make a choice in one direction or another, or I am not some pesky fly that just won't go away either. I am trying to think how I would see myself if I were you...What I want, as always is what's best for you, I want you to make the best decisions based on all of the pertinent information. Our disease process does not have a lot of information out there, and for that we move through the darkness unaided and make decisions on feelings instead of facts. I am not providing any scientific facts here, but I am providing other alternatives for the feelings you have, I am trying to make sure that the biggest decision you are ever going to make in your life is a well thought out, and calculated one, that examines the facts from every angle. Maybe we don't hear from other trans people after transition because once they realize they have made a mistake they don't want to admit it, they don't want to hear the "I told you so's" so they become introverted and make the best of their lives and go on. They do not have the pain of the gender issues as the androgens have completely shut down there ability to be sexual, or have other types of feelings, I don't know. We are some secret society that does not share it ALL with each other, only what we want others to see. We only want others to see the good about ourselves, not the ugly inner thoughts that we are too afraid to share. I only know some of those things about you, as I have shared some personal secrets myself, our friendship is based on "there is no such thing as too much information!" That is good and bad, as I am sure you are thinking now. I get to argue with that voice inside your head that only you argue with. She is your id, who is very emotional and can be very irrational at times, and I know I hate to argue with my own id as she never shuts up some times, well there are times when she needs to be barraged by an outside voice, a voice of a friend or the voice of information from another source. Plus as she tires (and shuts up) information does get through, thus the reason I have yet to transition, also the reason I hit you with this type of information from time to time.

Autogynophelia has gotten a bad rap in our community, I believe it gets its bad wrap as our id has its feelings hurt because she has been discovered, and her secret is out, she is afraid she will not get what she wants as she will have to jump through yet another hoop to get to transition. Many say this term is bunk and will so very hard to discredit it, well those people you yell the loudest and speak the sharpest are the ones to fear the most. Its like a politician who speaks strongly and abusively about homosexuals, 9 times out of 10 he is one, and is just trying to put up a facade to make you believe he is not. Well those who condemn autogynophelia without listening are the same way, and I will bet an appendage that they too are autogynopheliac and just don't want others around them to question their motives. Well anyway I can say what I want and ramble forever, but I will let you read through these and decide for yourself, as it is a personal decision, but a decisions that should be made by examining all of the information. Sincerely your truest friend, B

Here are the links (read them all, there entire content):


friend response.....

Actually, no, it doesn't upset me at all. In fact, if I remember right, I started the autogynophelia conversation with you quite some time ago.

I actually respect Dr. Lawrence quite a bit. Her site and tsroadmap are the two sites I have referenced over the years.

I do not doubt that autogynophelia plays a role (despite the outcry in our community), but why shouldn't it play a role? If I'm a woman inside, shouldn't it makes sense that I have vagina/breast envy? Maybe my brain thinks about it differently than most, I'm just not ashamed of saying that when I imagine sex, it's sex as a woman with a man and part of that is the fantasy of him touching my female parts.

Sex as a man was largely very enjoyable for me... except when it wasn't. I have to admit it was much more enjoyable with Mary than with Shelly as she was much more interactive.

I've enjoyed sex with men too, particularly when I definitely am the "fem" one in the equation and my male parts don't get touched at all.

Look, honestly, I really don't know why people have different sexual attractions nor do I know why we have this gender confusion. What I absolutely know 100% is that since I have started coming out to people I feel better than I've ever felt. I know 100% how I felt after I filed the petition for the name change, and I know how I felt when I finally shed the wig, hat, fake breasts etc and how I felt when I got that hair off my arms (thank you again). I know how I feel right this second, and I know the sense of relief that has come over me now that I am heading towards transition openly.

I know how I feel about spending $7500 on a chin that I'll get soon, and how excited I am about it.

I know how confident I feel right this second even without the chin surgery. Here I sit, completely presenting as a female, with a tight white t-shirt on and jean shorts. I know how cute I look and feel.

I know how I feel when I feel my breasts move, how the femininity in me just kind of wells up.

I know how excited I am for my future. I really cannot understate what telling everyone did for my confidence. I was convinced I would be finding another, much lower paying job. I was convinced my family would turn their backs on me, and I was convinced I would be making new friendships (you excluded, I knew you'd be there).

So, I really can't speak to those blogs (and yes, I read them, and I've read Dr. Lawrences paper on autogynophelia)... I know how I feel, and a blog is them sharing how they feel. I have no idea how well they pass and I think that has a LOT to with happiness post transition (not being beautiful and passing, just passing... I think the ability to pass unquestionably is key to happiness post-transition). I really don't know how the people in their life took it or what they sacrificed to transition (if they did in fact transition).

I know unless a miracle occurs I will not have a vagina for at least a year and maybe longer. I just don't have the money for that, and my cash flow only allows me to save between $500 and $1000/month unless I want to have no life at all.

...and the thing is, I want a life. I want to go to Vegas and hang out with my two best friends from college in October... as their new female best friend. I want to go to Mexico for Michaels's wedding as Jenny, and I want to take the kids to Kansas City & Colorado this summer for vacation as "mama," not dad. I want all of that more than I want a vagina a few months sooner.

I lost a really great relationship with Mary... I really can't overstate how great of a girlfriend she was and how much fun we had together. Despite that relationship though, I wasn't happy. Right now, with painted nails, the right clothes, and the right hairstyle, and the right body (despite what's between my legs) I am content and happy to be me.

Sunday Tina and Chris are coming over for an early dinner and then we are going for a girls night out. Their idea and they insisted. I cannot even begin to describe how good that makes me feel.

So, starting last night and ending this coming Tuesday, I will be Jenny morning to night. I have to go grocery shopping and I need a few things for my place... I also plan on going to the park for a long walk in order to get a bit of a tan. I am not going to hide just because I am presenting as female.

So no, I'm not upset at you, and I appreciate the challenge... but I'm done hiding and living in misery. It's my time. Is it selfish? Absolutely, but every now and then you have to do something like that. Every single person I've told has basically said that all they want is for me to be happy, and how sad it makes them feel that I've been miserable this whole time and they had no idea. I'm paraphrasing there, but that's come out of everyone's mouth.

I've been very careful, I've planned for years, and this transition is off to a much better start because I am doing it, not trying to be part-time and call it full-time.

Unapologeticly female,

May 17, 2010

Pandering for birthday wishes

Well tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be a a grand 41 yrs old or young which ever way you want to put it. I can say I am relatively satisfied with the way things are, and although I would have done some things different, I don't believe would have not chosen to marry and have kids as both bring me joy at least once or twice a day. I am truly grateful for what I have been given. I am healthy only broke one bone and the only surgery I have ever had is a gall bladder removal, which I sometimes even question if I could have prolonged that as it was relatively elective, although it would have had to come out eventually. I have a great job and although its pretty boring now, it does provide for a rather good life for my family and I. While at work, I am very much respected and although I am not in leadership, I dictate a lot of how leadership makes decisions on a 1000+ bed hospital. I drive a new car and live in a nice house. I can say that I buy what ever and when ever I want. I have traveled to many different countries and plan on making it to China next summer, and usually take one good vacation a year. I laugh and smile once a day. I can say that I am truly blessed in all I do, although I am not religious in anyway shape or form.

What is wrong with me? I have a gender disorder, of all things to have that by far is not the worse. Being a nurse I can tell you that there are many things others experience that are far worse that what I could ever imagine. I can say that I have a pretty strong willed and believe that I can hold out indefinitely. I ask my friend the other day, if she had no legs or were missing at least one or two appendages would she still transition, and she paused, and said "I think so" but I will say I heard a bit of hesitation. I have also asked others if tomorrow was you last day in this life would you still transition? SOme kick out a quick yes, some pause, some say no way! Well those who say no way, then they should pause a bit more before moving forward. So am I going to miss my youth if I were to transition late in life, maybe, but I will have gain so much more by waiting. I can say that I am a bit paranoid, when I hear others laugh or whisper, as I sometimes think they are talking about me, I can't imagine if I were to have transitioned what I would think.

So I suppose I am playing it very safe as I move forward, I can say I always have played it safe. As a child I did not know how to swim, and I took lessons and never was quite confident to head out on my own. It was a friend going to the deep end and leaving me alone that coaxed me into the deep end. I finally learned to swim and yes I had more fun in the water afterward. I can say that I had fun in the shallow end too, but it was only when I was alone that I needed to move forward. I have another similar story where I was traveling down a path while hiking, and the same friend and I came to a break in the path that was divided by a creak, he wanted to jump it, where I took a round about way to get on the other side, he jumped and missed, sprained an ankle and got really wet, I made it to the other side to collect him and help him back. In the end I made the right decision at that time, playing it safe got me the same place without being hurt or wet and my way was the best that time. I suppose we will never know what is the right decision to make, and it is only when we look back that we can determine what was the right decision. If it doesn't hurt anything along the way and you can take the path that is a bit more difficult then why not?

Anyway my birthday is another year gone, and another year I have not transitioned, I am grateful for all I have, I am grateful I have you reading this, I am grateful I can write this. Thanks in advance for the birthday wishes, and if you have to get me a present, then make it something girly as that is what I want for my birthday, but we all have to want for something huh?



May 01, 2010

wonderful interaction

Recently I was blessed by someone taking the time to compose me a letter about their experiences in relationship to mine. What they had to say did make me stop and think about things, and life in general. I did compose a response and sent it back after careful thought and consideration. I did not ask this person if I could post this so I hope they forgive me and continue to write. I will say that I have changed some of their email to me, to protect their identity, although the meaning is still there. I am very curious how everyone will respond to the interaction and what comments are generated. Once again I have put up a long post and I thank you for taking the time to stop by and read. In the real world though I can see you and I, sitting on the patio on a sunny day drinking a tall glass of tea, with a slice of lemon. There is a slight breeze from the west and the sky is clear with the sun directly overhead. Now that I have you hear you will hear our conversation as we sit back and enjoy the others company...


While surfing the Internet tonight, I landed on your website. I started reading your entries and I couldn't believe what I was reading. Entry after entry closely matched my own feelings and experiences. I was absolutely mesmerized by your words and I read your entire site. I guess I just want to say hello and tell you that there is another person in the world with similar experiences and feelings.

I live in the Seattle area and I am in my mid 50’s, married almost 28 years, with four children in their mid 20’s. I am the person in your neighborhood or office that no one would suspect has been fighting a lifelong gender identity issue. I have been running from this issue and fighting hard to avoid it for a lifetime. I have reached the end of the Internet in my search for answers and I have seen more professionals that I would like to admit. I am an highly educated scientist with a graduate degree in business but I’m not quite smart enough to engineer a solution to my gender identity problem. I am big and tall and I have a competitive spirit that enabled me to win the National championship in sports three decades ago but it’s hard to feel like a winner today. I am the person that is reluctant to take a step forward for all the usual reasons…..fear, height, appearance, age, family, career, etc. No matter which path I decide to take, full time transition or not, my wife and best friend knows the real me and she wants to move on without me in her life----we will divorce later this year and sell our home. Last summer I broke out of my shell and I told my children and brothers all about me. To my surprise, everyone displayed a caring attitude and they want me to be happy. What I was unable to tell them with any certainty is where I am going from here. I’ve been taking hormones for years and I am halfway through electro and it might seem like I am well on my way to living an authentic life but I have been fighting hard to avoid traveling down the transition path. I am the person that believes that transition will never work for me. Slowly…….very slowly……..I am coming to terms with all of this. And I am beginning to accept that I can run but I can’t hide from this and life is passing quickly. It’s time to face my fears and live my truth, whatever that means for me. My intro might seem a bit dark but life is not unbearable……I keep myself extremely busy and my engineering career and hobbies (bike riding) bring a smile to my face.

You state that you are "40 something" and that's where we are different. I am a lot older than you and it seems as if I am looking back in time when I read your posts. I have been on and off hormones too and I have had similar conversations with my wife. My wife has told me that I am a narcissist but I think your explanation fits me too. My wife discovered my secret about 13 years ago and we agreed to stay together for the kids. Today all of my kids are in their twenties and they have graduated college. My wife decided that it is now time to divorce. A few months ago I literally begged and pleaded with her to stay with me and I promised to throw any my meds and cut my hair and try to be the best husband that I could be for the rest of my life. She turned toward me and calmly said, "Don’t do that to yourself. You will be back in the psychologist's office in 5 years and you will be on the verge of suicide." I walked away in a complete emotional meltdown……I knew she was right.

Imagine yourself writing your words all over again at 55 years of age-----still struggling to determine your path and still haunted by the gender issues. How does that thought make you feel? I have never read another web page that matches my story as closely as your story matches mine. Part of me wants to reach out and grab you and tell you that I know which path you are taking, because I have taken the same path years ago, and that you should STOP and find another path. But I know that I can't do that because I don't really know your full story. And I don't have a better path to recommend. I am the longest member of my psychologist's support group (9 years) and I am the only person that has not transitioned. My psychologist is an expert in trans issues and she has told me that I am her toughest case yet. She once told me that I am like the person that thinks they will cheat death. She added that the gender issues will catch up to me one day, I can't outrun it. Startling words from an expert but I keep running….but my energy is dwindling. Every one of my trans friends has moved forward and they are living the life that I have dreamed about. They all report that the gender anguish has completely disappeared but many have paid a tremendous price with their careers and families. The price of transition can be very high and that's why I keep weighing my options. Many friends told me that they thought transition would never work for them but they tried anyway and it worked. Those words haunt me daily. Each of us must find our answers and I call on quotes, like the quotes you have listed recently, to help find the strength to move forward one more day. I realize that I am rambling now and I'll end my note. I wish you much success in your search for your best path and I hope your relationship with your wife and kids grows stronger. I enjoyed reading your website and I hope you will continue to add your thoughts.

I didn't take long to respond, but put in some thought on what I said. As usual I am long winded so, anyway here was my response:

First, thank you very much for taking the time to read all of my blog, second I also want to thank you for the time that you took to compose this letter to me, as it seems you put thought and heart into your writing. I have heard from a few in “our” boat, those that really try to fight this and prolong it with all the strength that they have. I imagine that some are successful and some are not. You mention that I should choose another path, as the one I am taking is like watching your history repeat itself. I suppose my question to you, is in the last fifteen years did you have joy in your life? Did your family provide you with enough joy that it was worth it? Also if you consider repercussions of your actions on those around you, had you made your move 15 or 20 years ago, how might your family landscape have changed?

I look at my children of 13, 11, and 4 and try to imagine how their worlds would change if their father were taken from them. You might go one step further and say that they would not even have that luxury as there would be another person who replaced their father, but was different enough that it would cause many interactions around them to change. I am blessed with 3 children with above average intelligence (way above) who seem to be destined to make a significant contribution in the world. I don’t want to be the one who takes that from them. Now you may say that my actions would not, but I believe that it would as I would be taken out of their equation, and things would be made more difficult. How do I know that with that increased difficulty they would not succumb to some sort of external pressure and fail in their endeavors? I was raised by a single mother without a father, and I swore to myself throughout my life that my children would not live such a life. I carry a bit of a chip on my shoulder that I could have been more and done more had I had that support, I didn’t get to go to a choice school, I went to a junior college, and slowly worked my way up with degrees from schools with less than desirable names. Now I have learned quite a bit and have more street smarts than my children ever will, but I so want them to have just a bit more than I. Now if they chose whatever path that does not coincide with what I desire, I will still love and support whatever they choose, but I will know that it is on their own accord that this has happened and not because of the ramifications what their father chose earlier in their lives.

Next is my wife, who accuses me of staying with her and the kids because of the kids. Some days that is, true and some days it is not, as some days I am with her because of her. For all of our challenges, she is there to support me. We compliment each other so very well, it is amazing. I feel as if there is nothing we can’t accomplish together. I have offered her at times to completely walk away, she knows I would support her, and be a bystander for the most part in her and the kid’s life. She (at this moment) wants me to stay. I don’t know what it would be like for either of us to come home to an empty house without the knowledge of knowing the other would be there soon. I can truly not imagine not spending the rest of my life with her, not that I haven’t thought about it, I have, I know that where I am now is where I want/need to be.

I consider every day a gift, every year I make it, is another year that we are all in each others lives, and enriching each others lives. It would be one thing to have some dysfunctional type of dynamic going on, but I can say in my house it is pretty much the model or exceptional family. Now my intermittent depression from time to time will cause me to withdraw or be crabby, but I try quickly to get a handle on it, and as my therapist says, “there is better living through pharmacology.” I can’t say I see my therapist as much as I should, she thinks I should transition and has even said I won’t make it past 5 yrs (about 3 yrs ago) as this will eat me up. I believe I can, yes I believe I can cheat death although at times I do pray for it to come early in my life as I do believe it would be much easier on all involved. Yes I do believe it would even be much easier on my children, although I am sure many would argue. I can say that if I put myself into your shoes, I would have found my life much harder without some of the pharmacology in my life as I know I can’t do without it. I also see a psychiatrist who also believes like every other professional that I should transition, she is a bit more supportive of my decisions not too, she give no time frame, and is honest that there is not much information out there. I am comforted by the fact I am not alone in my desire/quest to stay, and I know there are others out in the cyber world fighting the same fight as I, I bet many have made it. Morbidly I look at it as a race to the death, to see who can cross that finish line and not succumb to these desires. Using the ever interesting analogies of Radio Lab, they discussed “Limits” recently on what the body is able to accomplish. In one of the segments was a story about a bike race across the United States, where individuals will bike from one coast to another and only sleep about 12 hours, and how their body responds. Well this is our race, and some chose to not start, some chose to drop out early, some have accidents along the way, and some chose to drop out late, and even some make it. Well I want to make it, and I will do what ever means to make it, even if I have to fool my body in believing whatever it is it needs to make it. Yes I was on hormones for a little over 3 yrs and they did a number on me, and I would in a heart beat go back on them, although at the moment I really don’t need to as it seems my body is not producing testosterone, or if it is it is very little. Oh yes, I know what my body wants and it makes no ifs ands or buts about it. When I am on them my mood is better than at any other time in my life, when I was on them I could not believe how good I could feel. Well as good as it was, I will pass that up, and take one for the team, and even fake it if I have too, but I will make it.

It makes me smile when you say that your wife wants you to cut your hair, as that is one of our biggest contentions in our marriage, not to mention my eyebrows that are plucked pseudo thinly. Yes too look at me, you know that there is something different, many think I am gay, which I am OK with. That gets challenged by others who know my wife and family; many just think I am creative and different as I am that way. I am blessed with great ideas and solutions to everyday problems that consume others lives, that is one of my gifts. I am sure it is from my gender issues, so the gender issues do have one plus. I can say I wish you would not have told your family, it is my belief that unless your are transition ‘tomorrow’ you should not tell anyone as it damages your credibility and once that fact is out of the bottle it cannot be put back in. I am interested in where you are going with your life, I do feel a bit of a connection, although you have told me so little.
I too have gone on a bit long and look forward to future correspondence, feel free to reach out at any time.

Anyway for those that read it all the way through, thanks I appreciate your time and feedback. I am grateful for the time and correspondence this person gave me. I love it when someone provides me with a personal note. I am guilty though of not providing others with this gift, although I do provide a well thought out response and try to provide the same amount if not more time in my response. Anyway, thanks again for reading.


April 14, 2010

Favorite Sayings

Which one can you apply to your life?

"Success is a journey, not a destination."

"The only thing that stands between a person and what they want from life is often the will to try it and the faith to believe it's possible.

"When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives, but are grateful for the abundance that is present…we experience heaven on Earth."

"Patience & perseverance conquer all things."

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

"Values are critical guides for making decisions. When in doubt, they cut through the fog, like a beacon in the night."

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

"The most important things in life aren't things."

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

"You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

"Your attitude will determine your altitude in life."

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

""The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."

"Life begins when you do."

"Go over, under, around, or through, but...never give up."

"Choice...not chance, determines our destiny."

"Courage is the decision to place your dreams above your fears."

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying,"I will try again tomorrow."

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."

"The road to success is not always a road."

"You are always one choice away from changing your life."

"We cannot get what we've never had, unless we're willing to do what we've never done."

"Wisdom is knowing the right path to take...integrity is taking it."

"We become what we think about."

"We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give."

I have bolded my most pertinent...

April 12, 2010

Should I tell you not too...

Should I tell you no don't?

I wonder what are our rights as friends to tell another that they should not transition? We are always good to say, you look great, you would have no problem, you should transition! I have been told by many, all of these thing, and even though I hear them I still have my reservations and will proceed at my own pace. As much as I would like to talk about myself I am here for this question. Should I be able to tell a friend or even one of you, "you know, you should not transition, sorry" Wow, can you imagine hearing that. Imagine all of the feelings that would well up in you all at once. I would imagine that anger would be up there, probably one of the first emotions to come out, then denial, I can go on, but won't.

Why would I say such a thing, how about its based on a hunch. My hunch is based on what you have said, things you have done/not done, your actions, and lastly my knowledge base from what I know about transsexuals. I have a friend who has been divorced from his wife for a couple of years, has 3 kids (all young-oldest 12). She (her preferred pronoun) has had girlfriends off and on, settled down with one for quite some time also. She once made the statement that "if I wasn't pretty I so would not transition." She is moving forward with her transition and I would love to say "stop, don't do it, I see that you will regret it" Now I say I see it, I am not clairvoyant or anything, but get good hunches from time to time.

Now my hunches are based on the fact that that she really didn't act on her "feelings" for such a time and that she seems wishy/washy at times although to tell her, she will argue. Now I do know she was going to transition last year, when I was looking at it. She was like lets do it together we can provide each other support. I really liked that idea, and was game, but decided that I wasn't going too as you all know. Now I also know that if I told her not too, she might throw that back at me, and to some degree she would be somewhat correct as there is some bit of jealously in her transitioning now as I have decided not too. I think some of her drive comes from a desire to possess a female body as she is obsessed with it, she has vagina envy. I can say I have breast envy, that would be my favorite part. Is it normal to have a favorite part?

Here is my opinion and it is my opinion only. If you have the opportunity to transition and don't, then you really shouldn't. I know there are always circumstances, but she who hesitates, knows deep down that maybe something isn't right. If you need confirmation from others to transition to transition, also another strike against you. If you are relatively happy with the way things are at the moment, then don't transition...I was told once that you really shouldn't transition unless you would be suicidal if you didn't. Just because everyone else is doing it, well doesn't mean you have too. Find an alternative group of people like out group here. I once read by someone who transitioned that if you can live your life without transitioning then don't do it, as you loose way too much. If you have another underlying psychiatric issue then get a good grasp on that before transitioning. Also get everything done in prep before you do it, such as laser hair removal before actually transitioning, if you don't like that then don't. I would even say be on hormones for a bit before you jump into it. I would also recommend that you spend time out and about in the day time to get a feeling of how you will be perceived.

I can say its very easy to get caught up in the flow of the net that can convince you to transition, I have heard many tell others "oh you should so transition" and in another breath they mock this person. Remember the internet provides us with annonymity and there fore we can say what we want with no concern for others and have no consequences, so yes I am going to tell you what you want to hear, well me no, I am not, but many will, as they want to hear the same from you. I would say go on a low dose of hormones as they will sometimes fend off the desire, why is that well I am sure its something tied to the sexual aspect of the whole dressing/gender thing.

In the end the question is should I tell you to transition or not well, I suppose I am going to let you make the mistake (if it is one) for your self as you have convinced your self of this, and possibly convinced others that it is needed, so to challenge you is not a fight I would want to tangle as you have fooled professionals and my argument isn't as good as theirs. In the end though I will be there for you!

If you think this is you please think about it, if not then think about it too. Anyone, don't take this personal in any way, as it may not be about you and your vainess make you think its about you...don't you...don't you.
Ha your singing that song. Peace.

April 06, 2010

Narcissistic ?

Narcissistic ?

In my ever quest for find my cause of my GID, I stumbled across an article on Narcissism. After reading it over I thought "hey this is me" as I dug in a bit further, I see where it can lead to borderline personality disorder (BPD) and one of the off shoots of BPD is problems with gender! Ta da! I found the cause in my quest, I can say I was happy, well not with the diagnosis, but with the fact I found the cause. Now with the cause identified and knowledge on the subject I could work for a cure. I was content enough I told my wife, she agreed with the narcissistic diagnosis after I read through the symptoms of them, so I was even better, outside confirmation. I even took an online quiz that rated scores, 15 was a normal person, hollywood people were like 18 to 19, and my score you ask, a whopping 35!

Ok so I think I am, an online quiz confirms it, and another person agrees, so its settled, I am narcissistic. I even went as far to tell another friend my findings and she also said her wife had told her that she was narcissistic at times, I told her to take the quiz too and see what she got. Well about this time, I am thinking Nobel Prize. I mean I have solved one of the biggest quandaries of my time. See I still possess a bit of denial, and think that yes there are some true transsexuals out there who are good people, and then there are the likes of me, who walks and talks like a trans, but deep down isn't really, nah, not me. I am not trans, I am psychotic in some profound way, and just need medications, shock treatments, and psychotherapy, and I will be "cured." Some may wonder why I would want a BPD opposed to being trans, well I would bet it would be much more acceptable, right? I mean couldn't you tell others that, "yes I have a mental illness, but I am taking meds and am coping fine," opposed to "yes I am transsexual and I am coping fine (facial tick-smile)." I will go one farther and say that my counselor told me once that it would be easier to tell your relatives that you killed someone and are going to prison for along time over being transsexual, so mental illness is much better than trans right?

I can even trace the cause back to my childhood, looking at wikipedia, the source of all knowledge, it says that narcissism can be caused by unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents. I was a victium there, I was raised by a single mother who was really never home, and I did raise myself for a lot of the time, especially my younger years, and since I did not have parental admiration, well I gave extra to myself, in fact in the third grade I was told by the teacher to write out the meaning of conceited, which was 'thinks highly of ones self' I didn't get it then, in fact I didn't see anything wrong with this, but hey now I see all the puzzle pieces fitting together. Once again I can see the publication in the literature now, with my new MSN behind my name, I have or will have found the cause of distress to so many and all will be relieved. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder)

So, you too who are in my boat (yes mine, narcissistic remember) think, "hey I too can be Narcissistic too what are the symptoms?" Well I am so glad you asked, and I will confirm my own narcissism while I provide the information.

The Mayo Clinic says Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

Believing that you're better than others
OK, I admit it I do believe I am better than many others, I am smarter, have better ideas, can run fast, jump higher, and have above average intelligence. I look at the world and don't understand how it can be so easy and many others make it so very hard. I excel at work, and know I am better than most, I was a flight nurse for god sake, so yeah I am better than most nurses I know. Check symptom one.

Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
I can say there isn't a day that goes by that I do not say the world would be a much better place if I ran it. I am working so hard at work to get ahead, because those above me so got promoted due to incompetence opposed to knowledge and common sense. I can go as far to say I would make a great leader in whatever I took on, in fact when I was the head of the ER at my hospital, I was loved by most and ran the ER like a finely tuned machine. I live for success, I am always wanting more, and always wanting to be successful. The attractiveness, well howdy do, there is a trans element mixed right in, I want to look good, but as a woman, not a man, don't care for the manly thing, but womanly style I am right on it, although at work I wear scrubs, but hey I have good hair!

Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Well this is a check right off, don't have to justify this much, you have been reading up to this point, so you have the jist.

Expecting constant praise and admiration
I so did not get any of this as a child, and I so crave it. I work hard to attain it and when I do get it, shirk it off like I expect it. You want me to like you forever and do anything for you, then praise me everyday, trick me to believe it is sincere, and I would go as far as giving you a kidney if you needed one. So yes I do love praise.

Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Well I also believe to myself that I am special, I think I went as far in one of my blogs to say that trans were the next step in evolution up. I can say I look at the world and know I am special, and know I am better than a lot of others, especially all of those republicans, look at Sarah Palin, she thinks she is special for god sake, and she is a moron, so I am much better than her.

Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Yes I can be aloof to others feelings, my wife will say all the time that I don't get the kids feelings or I only give her x amount of time to be sick or won't acknowledge when others are hurt as I will fulfill my own needs, so check again.

Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Yes, why wouldn't I my plans are much better than most. I put a lot of time and effort into my plans, so yes I expect you to go along. Not only that, but I am a leader damn it, so yes others should follow me and my ideas/plans.

Taking advantage of others
In order to get my plans followed, I have to manipulate others to follow my plan. I know how the ending is supposed to be, so there again, I will take advantage of others to get what I need.

Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
I'm right, they're wrong, how can they be so stupid! How can others be so lazy and not want what is best, not what is easiest! So since you're lazy and won't put in the extra work, I have no use for you. Even on my lazy day I exceed others, god forbid I try, who knows I might even solve the energy crisis if I tried too.

Being jealous of others
Well again established earlier, I am jealous of those who have achieved more than I, especially those I am smarter than. So check again.

Believing that others are jealous of you
Well maybe not so much here, I don't meet all of this one, as I am not the top of the heap yet, but when I am they will be.

Trouble keeping healthy relationships
This one is a challenge also, I have a good relationship with my wife, but other than that I really have no friends. I have one that I do stuff with, but very rarely, and I have online friends, but they usually don't cross into the real world, this for the most part is due to the fact they are spread around the freakin world, damn you Brits (although I do love you). So this one is so so.

Setting unrealistic goals
OK now we are back to me, I want to be the leader, the king, the president, whoever it is that gets to make the decisions, I want that to be me! My goal is to make lots of money, and to have lots of influence, and I want to get there before I die, so sooner than later. I want to solve major issues and I want to be acknowledged publically for something big just once in my life!

Being easily hurt and rejected
I can say that I really do want to be liked, if not, I am sad. I can say that I am very insecure at times and when my ideas aren't accepted, well again I'm hurt. When I am not picked for whatever, if whatever project isn't given to me, I am sad. If someone throws a negative comment my way, I don't like it.

Having a fragile self-esteem
OK so for brevity, see above.

Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
I am a rock when it comes to showing emotion, I can say that I have cried from time to time, well when I was on hormones, I could cry very easily, which was nice, although sometimes it was a bit much as I would try to shift into stoic mode and that was very hard. When I am hurt or rejected I can play it off very well, and then sling mud right back at ya, and not only sling mud, but I will sling a bit more than you gave me, and to take it further, my mind will search for that secret flaw you have, that I know your self conscious of and exploit it to the very hilt. You hurt me, well I am coming back at you hard enough that you will think twice before ever trying that again!

OK so you can see where I am going with a lot of this, in fact, you can see why I can be challenging to others. I always said I am like a red whine, eventually I am good, you just have to develop a taste for it. So after reading all of the narcissistic stuff I had it down pretty good. Just in time too as I was going to see my psychiatrist a few days after this discovery. My psychiatrist, is a very interesting person, she is a young woman, 30s, and looks like Rachel from friends. She is a leader in her field and can be a bit dry at times. I often wonder why she is in psychology, and what her underlying pathology is as I know that anyone who is in the field is usually searching for their own answers too. I never bothered to ask as when I am there its about me, she gets 285 half hour so time is money.

Anyway I am in her office and we are making small talk about my moods and how my medication is getting ready to wrap things up and she is like "anything else?" I then say that I have solved my issue, that I am narcissistic, with a borderline personality disorder, that has symptoms of gender dysphoria. The dysphoria is caused from my narcissism, and all though I don't have a full blown personality disorder, I have just enough to cause gender issues, and thus this is my problem. She then cocks her head and says really, and what make you think this, so I spout off what you have read above. She pauses and pulls a mini DSM4 (this is the book that psychiatric diagnosis come from) from her desk, opens up to narcissism and begins to go through the symptoms. I will summarize again, as if you have come this far, you are wanting a wrap up of the story soon.

So the questioning begins, and we start with believing that you're better than others, she ask do you really believe you are better than other, or do you believe that through hard work and dedication that you can be better than others, and that with your hard work, you have attained more than most. I am like, well yes I do believe that anything worth while you have to work for, OK she says. ALong thos same lines while wanting to improve your life, do you see that in order to attain more wealth and success, that you think it would be better if you were to lead projects, based on your experiences? Yes I said, she then asks, if I am going to be the CEO of my hospital, I hememed a bit and said some day, maybe. She asked if I deserved it now, and I said there is no way, she then goes back to well then you don't think that its owed to you in any way what so ever, I again said no. As for the attractivness and gender, thing, she asked if I was flashy or just plain, well just plain I said. Are you a stunning model type woman? Nope, just plain me. Ok she says. Have you acheived many things in your career? Well yes...like what she asks, I then went into all I have done so far. OK she says so then you are an expert in your field, and you sometimes let others know it, yes I say. Do you overtly brag about it? Well no I say, not really. Then I ask about the constant praise and admiration, she asks a bit and then says, well everyone likes to be appreciated and told they do a good job, I am like OK. She then goes on to ask if I talk to the cleaning people or cafeteria workers in the hospital...yes I do... you don't think your better than them she says? Well I do better than they do...she then says but you are friendly right? Yes I say, well OK she says. Do you want more from life and you envy those that have more than you right, she asks? Yes, I say, she asks if I ever take or steal or feel I am entitled to their things...well no I say...OK, she responds. She then asks if people at work like me...well yes they do I respond...people seek you out and respond well to you, she asks...I respond with a confident yes. She then explains that narcissists, don't have people around them, as no one likes to be around them, in fact people avoid them, do you think people avoid you she asks...well no I say. How long have you been married she asks...like 16 yrs I said...and its a good marriage she asks....seems like it so far, it works pretty well I say. She then asks you want to achieve more and be more, right? Then goes on to say all healthy people do...OH I say. She then goes on to say, youre a nurse right? And patients like you right? Yes I say. Well, she says, if you were narcissistic, you wouldn't be able to do your job, much less do it well, in fact you would have never picked it!

Well OK, I say, as things are wrapping up. I guess I was wrong about the whole narcissistic thing huh? Yes she says, and then she says thats a good thing right? Well I say, now I have to go back to the drawing board and figure out what has caused me to be this way. She then chimes in, nothing has caused it, you are who you are, and not a bad person either. She goes on to say that there are many things we don't understand and gender issues are one of them, in fact gender issue aren't studied like they should be, so we don't have the information we need to even guess a cause, although there are theories.

Well OK, I say and wrap things up and leave it for another day.

In the end I suppose I was a bit saddened as I thought I found it, the cause only to be alluded once again...damn her...the girl inside, not the psychiatrist! Thanks for your time.

March 15, 2010

light reading

Since I have completed my masters degree (thank you all for the kind words, and congratulations) I have started to read a ton more. I am enjoying many different types of books, although most have to do with psychology and how technology intertwines with it. I will say that in the not so distant future I will do a study and try to publish something on the subject, just looking for that right thing. Anyway, I am reading a book titled Emotional Design why we love (or hate) everyday things. It is a really good read and I am learning a bit about myself along the way. One item that depressed me a bit was that the author started talking about how every one has items in their life that may not have much monetary worth, but has a lot of emotional worth, or has "visceral meaning" to them. I stopped and looked up from my book and pondered as my wife asked what I was thinking. I went on to say that I have nothing of emotional value to me, no trinkets, no baubles, no nothing. Now I value and cherish my family, but other than that there nothing. Now you I can say there are a few photos I cherish, but other than that I couldn't come up with much.

As I pointed this out, my wife presented her thoughts on it all. She related it to the fact that I had planned on leaving last summer and separated myself from everything and just never connected back. I can see that had some merit to it. She also brought up the fact that since I was in a car accident about 4 yrs ago I have had a few other issues and this one was made worse by that, not to mention this is when my gender issues really flared up, which in itself was a bit odd, but doing some quick research on reading further in my book I found that this is true and sometimes common, the issues with emotion and head injury, not gender. Anyway I got a bit sad, but thanks to current pharmacology was able to shake it pretty quickly.
I will say that with the time change and spring in the air I have been in a pretty decent mood, and hope to continue to do so, I am sure I will hold pretty strong, although June will be the test as it is the month for the last several years that I have had major issues with.

On with the book, one of the stories in the book was about a board, a plank really. A plank that is a foot wide and about 10 feet long. If you laid this plank on the ground and I asked you to walk across it, you could without hesitation, no questions. Now if I put the plank on a couple of chairs and again asked you to walk across it, you might again, but would be much more careful, and even though its the same plank would have some doubts. The next step was to take the plank and connect two thirty story buildings and ask you to walk across. Same plank, just a bit more elevated. Well this is where many stop and will not continue. The author makes the point that you would walk across it laying on the ground, so what is the difference? It is the perception of the fear you feel. I stopped and pondered again, and thought, that my actual transition is the plank that is 30 stories up in the air, yes I could walk across it, but the fear of falling is too great, and the chance that if I did fall and the consequences that would go with it would just be too great, so therefore I wouldn't or couldn't do it. What if I had a net? or What if my family were on the other side and I had to walk across, well then I could do it, but the outcome is different, the purpose is different too. Just something to think about. I am enjoying the book and there are many interesting analogies that I do enjoy, I am sure I will share more as I move through it.

I will also say that I am not getting online as much, in fact trying to stay off a bit and can say that has helped a bit, we'll see as time moves forward just how in all works out. Anyway thanks for being there, you are the greatest!


March 06, 2010

finished my masters degree

Well this week I finished up my masters degree in nursing informatics. I will get my diploma in 5 to 6 weeks. In my informatics department I will be the only one with my masters and feel really over educated. I have started looking more for another position and am not really finding much. I do wonder about the changing jobs thing or moving up thing as some day I could transition, but I am not seeing that in the horizon at all. Don't ask me why, I just don't see it. You ever get that feeling, when you know something is right when you can see it happening? Well I don't see the whole transitioning thing happening at all. I do hope I get another life somewhere along the way, I suppose I could start believing in reincarnation or life after death, but that so doesn't make sense so. Oh well I say in a ho hum voice.
Getting my masters was fun, although in many instances it has caused more frustration as I talk in concepts others don't or won't understand. Yes I break it down to understandable terms and people still don't get it. My favorite thing is my boss is bringing me great ideas to do, that I recommended 4 yrs ago! Back then she was like "oh that would never work!" now its some great revelation. Now don't get me wrong I will say, "yeah I recommended that 4 years ago!" and I get the blank stare. I smile and walk away.
Its a curse, its a curse to get it all, meaning understand it all and feel like everyone around you doesn't. I will say that I have to strike one up for my spouse who gets it many times, which I suppose it why we are still together. I give her tons of ideas for her work and they get used, of coarse I get no credit there, and the funny thing is neither does she...her boss does.
So my happy event of completing my masters isn't that happy, and I again am sure some of it is related to my intermittent depression, which again I get it. Yes I am a downer today. One thing I have to look forward too is my daughter starts spring soccer this weekend, which this has to be one of the few things in life that truly brings me joy, is watching her play the game as goalie.
Well I am wishing for everyone else to have a good weekend, and to have the sunshine in your face with the wind at your back.


March 01, 2010

go girl

OK for something totally out of left field, potty humor. I heard about this product and could not keep it to myself, it is the "go girl" http://www.go-girl.com/ you can go to the link and see it. I suppose now I could go into the women's bathroom and pee like a man and say I was using one of these. I can also imagine all of the TG bashing out there if this product ever takes off. I can see the Saturday Night Live skit now. I will say it does make me smile a bit if you really think about the whole concept. On the for real side it also makes total sense if it really works. Oh well this was a short blurb for the day. I am so interested in what the peanut gallery's take on this is.
Thanks for stopping by.


February 27, 2010

Electronic Health Records

Not sure if everyone knows or remembers, but my position at work has me installing and caring for an EHR at my hospital. The record is all inclusive and integrated from the doctors office too the hospital, for all of its short comings, its really quite nice, but it is open too all who have access. Now what doe that mean, well it means if I want to look at your medical records I can, all of it, and can do so rather easily. Now I will say that we run audits, but we actually have to audit the record individually so unless we are looking for it, well it isn't that apparent. Not to mention my office is already overburdened with other implementations so we don't audit much at all. Now we do lead the masses to believe that we do, and we have fired individuals for looking at records but once the secret is out, well its out.

So what do you tell your physician about your condition? At my physician's office he has a similar set up, but I do not see a physician that is associated with my hospital so I am safe. I will say that I have talked with him about this and said that I do not want transsexual in my discoverable medical record. Actually the one he uses has a hide feature which is nice, where mine does not. The same way with my psychiatrist and counselor, my "condition" is coded depression anxiety disorder, no mention of transsexualism. Actually my counselor turned m on to this in the past as she said she has had clients denied if their diagnosis was coded under transsexualism as the insurance discriminated against it. If you have never read all of the fine print of your insurance I highly recommend it some time, when you get to the exclusions it gets interesting. Now a good practitioner will know what is and what is not included and will code effectively. Those who are clueless do not. It is all about reimbursement. Now I will say one of my other worries was getting hormones from my local pharmacy, which I do, although my wife changed once I started to get me medications there as she personally knew the pharmacist. Who by the way has never let on. If she ever did I would ask for a review in a heart beat and would make it a big deal at the time.

I know some may say isn't there some sort of professional ethics, well yes there is and well people and they do snoop, things that aren't there business they happen to make it theirs. Or they make it Jesus's business and they have to be the messenger to all, like they have been called by god. Which is one of my big beefs with religion, those who hurt others with it are just evil. Anyway my point here is just an FYI, if you have any questions as I know my thoughts run through my brain faster than I type, let me know. I am curious of those across the pond with a universal system and how all that works out, especially if the health record is computerized.

Eventually I do believe that we will all be outed in some way as I am sure privacy is so 20th century, there is something to be said for anonymity, but there are also arguments against that too, that would be another blog. Have a good day.


February 19, 2010

A new find

A New blogger...

I found a new blogger today, she is post op and has been for sometime. She is a writer, creator, and intellectual. Her male story sounds so very similar to mine in that she was married with two kids (I have 3) and had a good career, and dealt with depression. Her gender struggle was one of challenge as she moved forward in life, but alas she succumbed to transition. Her site is:


now I do not recommend this site for all, as it can stir up many emotions and feelings about ones self. I read it and am like “damn I best get going on my transition tomorrow!” now you and I know I won't, but she makes a great case for it all. One of my favorite lines is: "If I become female, there will be trouble. If I stay male it will be double." As she talks about the mental issues of not transitioning.

Mental issues with not transitioning, hmmm. I can say that I do agree there is something there and I have mentioned it in the past, I related it too another application running in the back ground or a female noise that won't go away. With her it is a mental issue that she describes matter of fact and how she is much better now she is rid of it. She also makes a great case for FFS, which I would bet would be better before transitioning, although that might be difficult in a way.

As I began my day today, I came to an agreement that I was comfortable with where I am and that I can keep doing what I am doing. I can deal with the depression and the noise and continue to go about life. I can say I am no where near 100% living a full life, and that I feel beaten down with little excitement and hope in my life, but I can get through it. We all have our crosses. Then this site comes along out of the blue and someone 20 yrs post transition says, yes it can work, no real losses and she's a much better person now for it. Throw in some Gin Su knives, a Shamwow, and a Snuggly with a price of 19.99 and I am there!

So is this torture should I not look around? I came to this wonderful group having been led in by Callie with those of like mindedness, although some are more on the fence that others, I blame that on you being foreigners...just kidding really! So what to do, what to do, what to do? Well for the moment I will ponder life and such, and try to push it all to the back of the bus and hope I can recover quickly for the depression I am setting myself up for. Anyway don't take the foreigner commit wrong, I believe I would move away if the opportunity existed, but enough country bashing, although I do feel better when I pick at others. Have a good weekend, if your like me don't go to the link, and be happy you have your health.



February 12, 2010

the lighthouse

Keeping things in an ever state of change and to mix it up a bit I thought I would change my blog background. I haven't played around enough to get the really cool schemes that some have, Lori's being one of my favorites that many of you know. So I chose a lighthouse and at the moment find it ever so fitting.
I know I would welcome a lighthouse in the distance to guide my way, I almost wish someone would come take my hand and lead me where I need to go. I am sure almost all of us would like that. This by far has to be the most difficult decision that anyone would make, a decision that changes everything. How can you honestly make that, and make sure it is the right one. I know I can't and thus the reason I am where I am. I always second guess myself always looking for better always trying to improve, but would changing my exterior be an improvement, something for the better? I think about this decision more than I think of anything else, ever. I think about this when I wake up and when I go to be. I once asked someone if that goes away, I called it noise, the noise that is always telling you something is wrong. She said it did, she said she no longer thought of it and that her brain was finally clear and she could rest. I thought wow, what a feeling that must be, to be clear of thought, to not think "somethings not quite right with me" or that "it just doesn't match, or make sense."
How many times have you ever wondered why it doesn't make sense, why something like this was thrust upon you. I know it makes me more tolerant of others that is for sure. It is a cross I bear that I would not wish on anyone, except those holier than thou bastards who think I am some sort of abomination or freak. Yeah I would wish it on them, but I am sure they too have their own cross, they just choose to make others lives miserable so they won't feel their own pain.
So, anyway my lighthouse, I am way too far out in the fog to even see it. My boat is adrift without any direction, and I am pretty sure it is slowly going in circles. As it turns in circles many storms wash upon my bow and toss my little boat from side to side. The winds tear at my sails, and rock my cabin. Very rarely does the sun ever shine, for it is always night. I can say that there are lights in the distance, those that lead me into rocks, or those that lead me out farther to sea. These lights are not the true light that is to guide me, for I probably will never see that light. If I were to believe in an after life I suppose that will be the light to guide me where to go, but I can't even believe in that.
I will keep the light house motif up for a bit, make it a sort of homage to something that will ever escape me. While adrift I do see other boats that pass, I call out and occasionally hear back, but I never quite get close enough to see them or get to realize who they are. From time to time I may bump into them, but as I run to see who they are they drift away, to never be seen again. I suppose I now realize why the lighthouse is a background, I am sure others feel the same. If I can't find the light I do hope to anchor near you, I do hope to shake your hand while standing on my bow in calm seas, but that too is just a dream, and no more will be reality that my light house throwing out her light, for she sits dark in the distance.


February 07, 2010

Monster Trucks Pushing Through

Tonight I had the privilege of going to see monster trucks with my boys and had a wonderful time with them. Very rarely do just us three go out and do some guy thing. I will say that I hate that it is a guy thing though. My wife described it as a boys night out and I must say that every time she refers to me as a hard (confirmed) male I just cringe inside. I have never said anything to her about this, but it so stings when she does it. Anyway back to the trucks. So I suppose my ramblings here are about the fact that is a truly male dominated sport, and not just like some sports are male dominated, but there are different levels of testosterone that go with different activities and well this had to be in the top five. My thing is I really did enjoy going and seeing these machines run around the arena jumping over stuff and smashing things, does this disqualify me from being part of the trans group? As far as this is concerned I also like computers, I like some building stuff, although my wife would argue with me on that. I like math and science. I like action and destructive movies also. So what does that all make me, I get so confused. Now I will say while at the monster truck thingy I did appreciate the machines for the work of art and sophistication that they possessed, I enjoyed seeing their gracefulness as they jumped and turned and such. Now my boys, the youngest most of all, just enjoyed the "truck" aspect, the loud engines, the size of them, the fact that they were trucks! I also enjoyed seeing her reaction to all of the trucks as he truly enjoyed it all. My oldest didn't want to go, but ended up enjoying it in the end, so no loss there. Back to this testosterone thingy, can I do testosterone driven activities and get away with it? I will say that once I get over some of the initial shock, my desire to transition drops about 2-5% but on conclusion it all comes back, so no foul there. If I were to transition would I have to give it all up, I don't think I could. I know I would never be a girly girl and have no desire to be, which is one of the things that solidified to me that I am transsexual opposed to some fetishist or cder, the clothes don't do it, it is an inner feeling of completeness to look in the mirror and see who you expect to see and not some guy standing there. I will have to do justice to all of this later, as I do not think I am conveying it to my potential.

Next item as mentioned before the whole guy thing, the handsome, the husband, the man, the provider, the macho, the protector, the father, the boy, ect. I hear some of these terms and just want to say, no that is not me! I am not handsome or manly nor should I be. In fact stab me with a sharp object as it would hurt less. I can go as far to say that this will even trigger a depressive episode in my inner self and if not squelched will lead to a further down turn of emotions. The kind of down turn where you want to hurt yourself or run away, the true ugly feelings that I take medication for. They definitely earn their keep in these instances. I do believe I mentioned this once to my wife a long time ago and was told "you are my HUSBAND, and so therefore how can I refer to you any other way?" now this was many years before I took a turn for the worse with my feelings and such, where now she is a bit more careful with what she says. I want to tell her, but don't as it will bring up "are you going to transition and leave me and the kids?" and not wanting to have that discussion, I say nothing and just push through it all over and over again. That is a new term I picked up while working in IT, "push through it" when we are testing software and there is a flaw, we sometimes don't fail it, we push through it to see it the rest of it all works out. I don't like that as I think there will be a failure later when the system is bogged down without the resources to push through it and it causes a crash of sorts. So what happens when my resources are low and I can't push through it, well I do hope I never know. I also wish I would stop being called manly, or am I manly for being able to push through it, I know on a full dose of hormones I could push through it as I would cry. Now I can, so what is best, where is the compromise or trade off I don't think there is one, as I think it is all me, although my wife would argue that my body changes are her compromise I suppose she pushes through that and maybe even calls me manly as it helps her deal with what she sees...never a happy medium huh?

Wishing upon a star,


January 28, 2010

Quick change

Well I thought I would show a bit of progression here, I took this photo about 5 years ago, right before I started hormones (2 yrs) and it has been one of my favorite pictures for some time. It was in this time period I really lost all focus on cloths and pictures and all of the "stuff" that goes into the gender thing and I really discovered who I was really. I have recently read some good blogs about the differences between fetishist, crossdressers, transgenders, and transsexuals. I came to actually admit to myself who I actually was. I always knew deep down inside, but never admitted it. How much different life would have been if I would have admitted it earlier and acted on it earlier. I only hope in 5 to 10 year more I have it settled, although I don't think I ever will.

I will say that although I do know who I am, I do still have doubts and still have my hesitations. I once asked a friend if the "noise" of gender goes away after transition, they responded that it does. I do wonder how that must feel, to never obsess over something so very much, to have a clear mind. I consider myself above average intelligence and really see that increased intelligence seems to run at a higher percentage in our group, what could we have accomplished if we didn't have to deal with the whole gender issue? I always compare it to your PC, when you first get it, the speed at which it processes if phenomenal and then over time it slows down. When you try to run different programs they open slower and don't respond as fast, and why, well other programs are running in the back ground to slow things down. We all have them, they are family, work, daily activities, life, relationships, and then there's this big program that has to chew up at least 50% or more of the processing resources, its called transsexualism. Imagine if your computer fixed the problem and it wasn't there any more? What could you do? Well that's it for me its late and I am tired, cold, and hungry.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love you all


January 23, 2010

many many years ago

Many may have noticed that I recently changed my picture. I do this in the name of the past way back week that was just on Facebook and dug out the first picture I had ever taken of myself. It was about 3 mos after I got married (16 yrs ago) and I had also recently came out to my wife as a crossdresser. I basically introduced to her late one night lying in bed about 6 weeks after a halloween party we had attended where I dressed up as what you may expect. She took it hard for some time and learned to accept it, little did she realize that it would progress and grow to consume my life and hers. She always says that she would not do anything different, but sometimes I do wonder. I do wonder if she would have married me had she known, she says that she probably wouldn't have. Its very odd to see our pictures over times where you can see some of the changes with me. I guess the first was the eye brows, then facial hair then the effects of hormones which are way to many to list.

I always enjoyed the picture I have up, it was one of those times when I got everything just right, the clothes, the hair (wig), and make up. I used to work 12 hours shifts and had many days all by myself and really enjoyed the time. I did go out a time or two into the real world but just for a drive around. I had also gone out to a pretty great bar, about 2 yrs after this pic. I did slowly push the limits of all this over time, which I know many do, and my wife called my on every step of the way. It wasn't until the hormones really started to kick in that she had enough. I find it funny where her breaking point is (not really funny), and wonder if I pushed farther would she go for that too. I am too a point I really don't want to find out for the moment.

I have promised to really stay in this world of maledome and so therefore I don't take hormones. I don't really have a desire to dress up anymore. To me its not any real big deal as I see no real difference from that to my everyday dressing up. I feel empty at times or not myself, which is to be expected I am sure. My wife recently told me she would support my decision to transition, although I would not be allowed to live in my home with my family. I really, really don't want to give that up as they mean so much too me and they are my only real enjoyment in life. Now I do wonder if I transitioned if I would find enjoyment in myself, and yet still get to enjoy my family from time to time. I do have a job, and school, and thats about it otherwise, no real male friends, and not really anything else in my life to bring me joy. I have started on my second antidepressant, which is effexor, my first is wellbutran. I find it interesting to life my life with pharmacological support all just to stave off transition for the time being. recently my wife asked my time frame and I said I had none. Truth be told I did throw it out a bit ago, I was to transition this coming summer, but I have been able to hold off or at least I think so.

The biggest girly thing I do now is buy clothing on Ebay, which is my life tip for all of you for the year. I buy womens clothing lots, you can get like 5 to 20 outfits in one grouping for about 50 to 150. I have found this to be great, especially if you get lucky and few bid. Now I will ask that you don't rival me, at least I would appreciate it. So if you so start to bid on 12 to 14 lots let me know and I will shoot you my ebay name and won't drive up the price. Anyway you can get nearly new clothing that matches. If it doesn't fit or you don't like it then trash it. I on average spend about 5 to 7 an outfit for name brand stuff. Well I don't want to make it sound too great as I don't want the competition.

Well that about concludes this little post, thanks again for all of your support and feed back. Has anyone wondered if this interaction between all of us helps or hurts our efforts? If you want to not transition or if you do want to transition, does an online group of your peers help or hurt your efforts.



January 11, 2010

Doing the right thing is hard...

Doing the right thing is hard...

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine today and we were discussing transition and how she would move forward with it all. The thing I have is that she is with her girlfriend, and has been divorced from her wife now for about two years. So I asked why she was with her girlfriend and got "it feels good" and "sometimes we do that instead of what is right about who we are." Well I asked who are you? I got the standard answer, and I came back with "what about the fact that you are many people to those around you and isn't that right?" She followed it up with "doing the right thing is always the hardest" well I pounced on that one and said what is the right thing? transition or not transition? and what is the hardest, really? I can say that not transitioning almost seems harder than transitioning. Don't get me wrong each side of the fence has its hardships and which is harder? I can't answer this, many girls can, those that have stepped across into who they should have been born to be can answer the question. Now many will say different things depending on how close they are to their switch over day, as I am sure the farther you are away from the day you went full time, the easier it gets. So lets say I am 2 to 3 years into full time, I bet life is a whole lot easier than not transitioning at all and staying the coarse.

I will say that each side can probably make the same arguments about what is hardest. I am sure I can make a great list and make an argument for either side. One of my reasons for not doing it beside the love of my family is 'the pause' what is 'pause' you ask? Well pause is the feeling I get sometimes when I think I will just transition, I pause, and ask does this really make sense for you to do this. I pause and think is this really what I need to be or should be doing. The pause tells me that I am not 100+ percent sure of what I shoudl really do and therefore, when in doubt, do nothing! I am going to dog my friend a bit here, and if she reads this please forgive me. She has been divorced for a bit now, and is slow out of the gait to make the transition, so I say don't. I can say with a positive affirmation, if I was divorced I would so be on a big dose of hormones and definitely be gearing up to transition, which to me she is not, again the pause, and again my thought is don't do it. She doesn't agree with me and will transition anyway, which I can so totally understand. Anyway this is what is on my mind for the day, I know I haven't written as much as I should, but that was so last year and I hope to put up some good thoughts. I would love to hear from the quorum here....

Love ya all


January 02, 2010


WOW! what a year 2009 was for me. The biggest issue was that I came really close to leaving my family for a new life, but I stopped a bit short on that.

As we celebrated the holidays it made me thankful that I did not go anywhere as I appreciated every moment. The bad thing is that she (my gender issue) is always there, she never lets up, never tires, and is waiting for her chance to pull me away. I feel it all the time, and many times it saddens me to know that I cannot or will not leave. I have been on and off hormones and felt the effects. Feeling the effects of wholeness and completeness, to one of a menopausal depressed male, this gives me such a new tolerance for natal women who experience this. Watching my body change felt good and too go off and see it loose some of the effects well again was depressing. Now in looking at this one could say, you were always depressed why would you. Well I can say watching my daughter play soccer, interaction with my sons, and my wife had many happy times. I had many many good times with my family. It only seems that when I am alone or feel alone do I really feel the pull of the inner me.

I do not have many NY resolutions, my biggest would be to use my elliptical everyday and drop 30 lbs. I am also going to change my diet a bit so that it is healthier. I need to cut back on caffeine, but that's not a resolution as I know (and already have) I would break this, its just something that I would like to do. I want to help my friend through her transition as she is gearing up to start soon. This should be interesting to see if it effects me at all. I would like to make new friends who I meet up with, and have lunch and such with. I will finish my masters degree (in nursing) in February so that will be a major accomplishment that I will be so glad to complete. I would like to publish a nursing paper on informatics (my masters subject). I would like to learn a couple computer languages in the coming year. I am contemplating another masters in counseling, as I think I would do well and of coarse I would do gender and sexuality counseling and in my area there aren't too many. I want to spend more time with my family of coarse. My oldest son wants to spend the night in the Grand Canyon this summer, which I think would be great to do. I want to save more, spend less, pay off all debt, and conserve other resources. I hope to take each and every day one by one and get through them one by one. I would like to blog more, but it is hard to fit it in, although I so enjoy this community and the interaction. I would love to run a 5k or 10K, that to me would be a great accomplishment. I would like to be more honest with my wife about all of my gender feelings, although I am pretty much there. I would like to get to the doctor to get a few physical ailments cared for. Along my gender lines, I would like to work on putting together a better wardrobe, which I am getting there too, I would love to integrate some of that wardrobe into my current male one. Would love to get back on a moderate dose of hormones as I was feeling the best there, but I believe that one would move me out of the house. Well that's about it with my resolutions or goals for the New Year.

Earlier I wanted to do a blog on the Christmas move "It's a Wonderful Life" and draw analogies between my life and the life of Jimmy Stewart in the movie. I think it would have been a good thought provoking post. Someone else feel free to use the idea as I believe it would make an awesome post. I can say that I haven't posted much as my depression is at a peak at the moment so it slows me down. I believe the holidays do that, I am sure a few others have the same issue. With that I know the cause is from the fact I participated in all of the events of the holiday, and did it in male mode, the whole while thinking who I should be and how it all would be different. Jumping back to the Wonderful Life thing, if I did transition I believe I would fade into the wood work and go stealth, well in male mode I impact so many things at work and around me that I wouldn't be able to do in female mode, or at least not for a few years, not to mention you are taken so much more seriously in male skin than a female one.

Well I need to close this up, lastly I am so thankful to be included here with every one and share thoughts and feelings. This has helped me a great deal, Calie and all has made a major impact on me and what I do, at least for the time being. Well...Happy New Year to everyone, may this year be better than the last, and as the quote goes, may the sun be on your face and the wind on your back.