May 28, 2010

letter to a friend

Below is a letter to a friend I just wrote, I suppose I could have written it to a number of people who follow me. I happened to stumble across a "Crossdreamers" blog that lead to a few other blogs, all of which enlightened me very much. I read them all and do see myself (characteristics) in some of the ideas listed. My goal here is not to offend, but to make you think about the biggest decision you will ever make, and make it with the most information, whether you want to hear it or not. This is going to stimulate some conversation, please (I so know you all will) keep it respectful, honest, and sincere.


Friend,

I have stumbled across some interesting information and I am sure from the links of one you can see what some of the subject matter is. Now I am sure there is a potential there to take offense, and completely shut down and not read the autogynophelia one. I can say I have been reading it for the last 2 days and see so many similarities within myself, you know I have always held some reservation with transitioning fully, there has always been something in the back of my mind that is like "just hold on one second and lets rationalize this for just a moment" some of these blogs have so much information that rings so true in my life. It is those things that we only share with ourselves and do not share with others as they are our deepest darkest secrets. We can then manipulate others into seeing our views how we want them to see them and get the result we desire in the end. You have shared a great deal with me in the past, some really personal things, as I read through some of this information I see you and I also see myself. You mentioned once that your counselor accused you of having vagina envy, and was reluctant to push you forward, that is in there. You also recently asked what about masturbation makes you feel better afterward and ashamed of your transness, that's in there. You have also mentioned torrid fantasies and actions (I believe) with other men in the past, also in there. That information is all discussed within these blogs. There is also information on shyness and other personal information that I again see in you and myself. I can say one of my arguments is that I have had these feelings since I was very young, so it can't be sexual, as I was not a sexual being at 3 or 4, well that too is in there.

What I don't want you to do is transition if you shouldn't, if there is another reason for feeling the way you do, I want you to have the information. Now that is not to say that you wouldn't be happy if you did transition, but eventually that happiness would wear off, it would loose its specialness. It looses its specialness as anything that you get too much of does. It is like the over eater, at first you feel comfort from the food, then after awhile you feel sick about what you have done, yet you do it all over again later. I don't know all the ins and outs of your psyche as I am not your counselor, but your friend. I am also not some wishy washy fanatic who is scared to make a choice in one direction or another, or I am not some pesky fly that just won't go away either. I am trying to think how I would see myself if I were you...What I want, as always is what's best for you, I want you to make the best decisions based on all of the pertinent information. Our disease process does not have a lot of information out there, and for that we move through the darkness unaided and make decisions on feelings instead of facts. I am not providing any scientific facts here, but I am providing other alternatives for the feelings you have, I am trying to make sure that the biggest decision you are ever going to make in your life is a well thought out, and calculated one, that examines the facts from every angle. Maybe we don't hear from other trans people after transition because once they realize they have made a mistake they don't want to admit it, they don't want to hear the "I told you so's" so they become introverted and make the best of their lives and go on. They do not have the pain of the gender issues as the androgens have completely shut down there ability to be sexual, or have other types of feelings, I don't know. We are some secret society that does not share it ALL with each other, only what we want others to see. We only want others to see the good about ourselves, not the ugly inner thoughts that we are too afraid to share. I only know some of those things about you, as I have shared some personal secrets myself, our friendship is based on "there is no such thing as too much information!" That is good and bad, as I am sure you are thinking now. I get to argue with that voice inside your head that only you argue with. She is your id, who is very emotional and can be very irrational at times, and I know I hate to argue with my own id as she never shuts up some times, well there are times when she needs to be barraged by an outside voice, a voice of a friend or the voice of information from another source. Plus as she tires (and shuts up) information does get through, thus the reason I have yet to transition, also the reason I hit you with this type of information from time to time.

Autogynophelia has gotten a bad rap in our community, I believe it gets its bad wrap as our id has its feelings hurt because she has been discovered, and her secret is out, she is afraid she will not get what she wants as she will have to jump through yet another hoop to get to transition. Many say this term is bunk and will so very hard to discredit it, well those people you yell the loudest and speak the sharpest are the ones to fear the most. Its like a politician who speaks strongly and abusively about homosexuals, 9 times out of 10 he is one, and is just trying to put up a facade to make you believe he is not. Well those who condemn autogynophelia without listening are the same way, and I will bet an appendage that they too are autogynopheliac and just don't want others around them to question their motives. Well anyway I can say what I want and ramble forever, but I will let you read through these and decide for yourself, as it is a personal decision, but a decisions that should be made by examining all of the information. Sincerely your truest friend, B

Here are the links (read them all, there entire content):

http://tsanon.blogspot.com/
http://susannejourney.blogspot.com/2010/05/pattern-emerges.html
http://www.autogynephiliac.blogspot.com/
http://autogynephiliac.blogspot.com/2010/05/on-hormones-gender-mice-and-men.html
http://autogynephiliac.blogspot.com/2008/01/readers-guide-to-confessions-of.html



friend response.....

Actually, no, it doesn't upset me at all. In fact, if I remember right, I started the autogynophelia conversation with you quite some time ago.

I actually respect Dr. Lawrence quite a bit. Her site and tsroadmap are the two sites I have referenced over the years.

I do not doubt that autogynophelia plays a role (despite the outcry in our community), but why shouldn't it play a role? If I'm a woman inside, shouldn't it makes sense that I have vagina/breast envy? Maybe my brain thinks about it differently than most, I'm just not ashamed of saying that when I imagine sex, it's sex as a woman with a man and part of that is the fantasy of him touching my female parts.

Sex as a man was largely very enjoyable for me... except when it wasn't. I have to admit it was much more enjoyable with Mary than with Shelly as she was much more interactive.

I've enjoyed sex with men too, particularly when I definitely am the "fem" one in the equation and my male parts don't get touched at all.

Look, honestly, I really don't know why people have different sexual attractions nor do I know why we have this gender confusion. What I absolutely know 100% is that since I have started coming out to people I feel better than I've ever felt. I know 100% how I felt after I filed the petition for the name change, and I know how I felt when I finally shed the wig, hat, fake breasts etc and how I felt when I got that hair off my arms (thank you again). I know how I feel right this second, and I know the sense of relief that has come over me now that I am heading towards transition openly.

I know how I feel about spending $7500 on a chin that I'll get soon, and how excited I am about it.

I know how confident I feel right this second even without the chin surgery. Here I sit, completely presenting as a female, with a tight white t-shirt on and jean shorts. I know how cute I look and feel.

I know how I feel when I feel my breasts move, how the femininity in me just kind of wells up.

I know how excited I am for my future. I really cannot understate what telling everyone did for my confidence. I was convinced I would be finding another, much lower paying job. I was convinced my family would turn their backs on me, and I was convinced I would be making new friendships (you excluded, I knew you'd be there).

So, I really can't speak to those blogs (and yes, I read them, and I've read Dr. Lawrences paper on autogynophelia)... I know how I feel, and a blog is them sharing how they feel. I have no idea how well they pass and I think that has a LOT to with happiness post transition (not being beautiful and passing, just passing... I think the ability to pass unquestionably is key to happiness post-transition). I really don't know how the people in their life took it or what they sacrificed to transition (if they did in fact transition).

I know unless a miracle occurs I will not have a vagina for at least a year and maybe longer. I just don't have the money for that, and my cash flow only allows me to save between $500 and $1000/month unless I want to have no life at all.

...and the thing is, I want a life. I want to go to Vegas and hang out with my two best friends from college in October... as their new female best friend. I want to go to Mexico for Michaels's wedding as Jenny, and I want to take the kids to Kansas City & Colorado this summer for vacation as "mama," not dad. I want all of that more than I want a vagina a few months sooner.

I lost a really great relationship with Mary... I really can't overstate how great of a girlfriend she was and how much fun we had together. Despite that relationship though, I wasn't happy. Right now, with painted nails, the right clothes, and the right hairstyle, and the right body (despite what's between my legs) I am content and happy to be me.

Sunday Tina and Chris are coming over for an early dinner and then we are going for a girls night out. Their idea and they insisted. I cannot even begin to describe how good that makes me feel.

So, starting last night and ending this coming Tuesday, I will be Jenny morning to night. I have to go grocery shopping and I need a few things for my place... I also plan on going to the park for a long walk in order to get a bit of a tan. I am not going to hide just because I am presenting as female.

So no, I'm not upset at you, and I appreciate the challenge... but I'm done hiding and living in misery. It's my time. Is it selfish? Absolutely, but every now and then you have to do something like that. Every single person I've told has basically said that all they want is for me to be happy, and how sad it makes them feel that I've been miserable this whole time and they had no idea. I'm paraphrasing there, but that's come out of everyone's mouth.

I've been very careful, I've planned for years, and this transition is off to a much better start because I am doing it, not trying to be part-time and call it full-time.

Unapologeticly female,
Jenny

5 comments:

Melissa said...

Excellent post Bree, and I love Jenny's response too!

As for the term "autogynophelia", sorry sweetie, but it's the same old unenlightened pejorative, as penis envy, only in reverse. Jenny is absolute right. Of course a mtf transsexual is going to be envious of women. That envy is at the very root of a mtf's GID. After all, a mtf transsexual has been forced to live as a male against their will, all of their life. How can they possibly not be envious of the very thing they have always longed to be? The only thing that really matters, is what the individual thinks is right for themself, and from what Jenny says, she is clearly happier living as a female.

Now, I'm going to say something, and it may seem harsh. Please don't think for one second, that I don't love and respect you, because I sincerely do, but I sometimes get the impression, that because you could not go through with transition yourself, that you are looking to discourage others from transitioning too. You know the old cliche', "misery loves company"? I know that sounds mean, but I don't mean it to be. I just couldn't think of a better analogy.


Now, you're probably saying to yourself.....oh, no Melissa, I'm just trying to protect these girls from making the biggest mistake of their life....and of course you would feel that way! Although I might disagree with you, you felt like you were on the path to a big mistake when you decides to pull back, so you just naturally feel protective of others that you may think are making a similar mistake. The truth? Maybe they are, maybe they're not, but only they can make that determination for themselves. I think there are very few of us, who don't go through some serious introspection in our journey through life. Transition is a huge personal undertaking that completely pulls the rug out from under your life. Only someone who is completely delusional would attempt to do it, without seriously pondering the consequences.

You are an absolute doll, Bree! The fact that you worry so much about the well being of your trans-gender sisters, makes me adore you all that much more! I love reading your blog!

Melissa XX

bree said...

Melissa

Oh you hit it right on the head. I even identified to Jenny later that I want company in my misery. I am also wishy washy with her too, one week I am like "transition now" and the next is "hey have you seen this information, dont do it yet."

As for saying something to offend, please never feel that way with me, especially you! You are wise beyond your years and I love your opinions and advice. Sooo call it as you see it. This really goes for all my followers. Only through opposing opinions can the truth be identified. Hey, I just made that up!

As for protecting her, yes I want her to 100%, but is any one ever 100% probably not. Jenny (not her real name BTW) have and I do converse daily, so of what I said made me sick. I do from time to time go back and rehash things out with her, and clarify my ideas too.

As for anyone her on my blog, I believe in most, the anonymous have me befuddled but I just want to make sure every one has all the information to make the best decisions. I also know there are no slouches here too.

Anyway need to cut is short or I'll be denied in my comments.

Thanks Melissa!

B

Two Auntees said...

Bree,
Hi, I am Sarah, a 64 year old trans woman who transitioned late in life. I have read some information on 'autogynophelia' and will only say that most certainly a different way of looking at our desire to be woman. However, I strongly suggest that you take time on the near future to read "The Whipping Girl' Julia Serano and 'Gender Outlaw" by Kate Bornstein. Both have very different views as to why some of us fixate on feminine things and bodies, quite interesting. Please take the time to read both, if not just The Whipping Girl.

Sarah, the Other Auntee

Anne said...

I really do agree with all of your here. It seems to me that you are all saying the same thing. Be careful, be thoughtful, and be YOURSELF.

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