Well tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be a a grand 41 yrs old or young which ever way you want to put it. I can say I am relatively satisfied with the way things are, and although I would have done some things different, I don't believe would have not chosen to marry and have kids as both bring me joy at least once or twice a day. I am truly grateful for what I have been given. I am healthy only broke one bone and the only surgery I have ever had is a gall bladder removal, which I sometimes even question if I could have prolonged that as it was relatively elective, although it would have had to come out eventually. I have a great job and although its pretty boring now, it does provide for a rather good life for my family and I. While at work, I am very much respected and although I am not in leadership, I dictate a lot of how leadership makes decisions on a 1000+ bed hospital. I drive a new car and live in a nice house. I can say that I buy what ever and when ever I want. I have traveled to many different countries and plan on making it to China next summer, and usually take one good vacation a year. I laugh and smile once a day. I can say that I am truly blessed in all I do, although I am not religious in anyway shape or form.
What is wrong with me? I have a gender disorder, of all things to have that by far is not the worse. Being a nurse I can tell you that there are many things others experience that are far worse that what I could ever imagine. I can say that I have a pretty strong willed and believe that I can hold out indefinitely. I ask my friend the other day, if she had no legs or were missing at least one or two appendages would she still transition, and she paused, and said "I think so" but I will say I heard a bit of hesitation. I have also asked others if tomorrow was you last day in this life would you still transition? SOme kick out a quick yes, some pause, some say no way! Well those who say no way, then they should pause a bit more before moving forward. So am I going to miss my youth if I were to transition late in life, maybe, but I will have gain so much more by waiting. I can say that I am a bit paranoid, when I hear others laugh or whisper, as I sometimes think they are talking about me, I can't imagine if I were to have transitioned what I would think.
So I suppose I am playing it very safe as I move forward, I can say I always have played it safe. As a child I did not know how to swim, and I took lessons and never was quite confident to head out on my own. It was a friend going to the deep end and leaving me alone that coaxed me into the deep end. I finally learned to swim and yes I had more fun in the water afterward. I can say that I had fun in the shallow end too, but it was only when I was alone that I needed to move forward. I have another similar story where I was traveling down a path while hiking, and the same friend and I came to a break in the path that was divided by a creak, he wanted to jump it, where I took a round about way to get on the other side, he jumped and missed, sprained an ankle and got really wet, I made it to the other side to collect him and help him back. In the end I made the right decision at that time, playing it safe got me the same place without being hurt or wet and my way was the best that time. I suppose we will never know what is the right decision to make, and it is only when we look back that we can determine what was the right decision. If it doesn't hurt anything along the way and you can take the path that is a bit more difficult then why not?
Anyway my birthday is another year gone, and another year I have not transitioned, I am grateful for all I have, I am grateful I have you reading this, I am grateful I can write this. Thanks in advance for the birthday wishes, and if you have to get me a present, then make it something girly as that is what I want for my birthday, but we all have to want for something huh?