January 02, 2010


WOW! what a year 2009 was for me. The biggest issue was that I came really close to leaving my family for a new life, but I stopped a bit short on that.

As we celebrated the holidays it made me thankful that I did not go anywhere as I appreciated every moment. The bad thing is that she (my gender issue) is always there, she never lets up, never tires, and is waiting for her chance to pull me away. I feel it all the time, and many times it saddens me to know that I cannot or will not leave. I have been on and off hormones and felt the effects. Feeling the effects of wholeness and completeness, to one of a menopausal depressed male, this gives me such a new tolerance for natal women who experience this. Watching my body change felt good and too go off and see it loose some of the effects well again was depressing. Now in looking at this one could say, you were always depressed why would you. Well I can say watching my daughter play soccer, interaction with my sons, and my wife had many happy times. I had many many good times with my family. It only seems that when I am alone or feel alone do I really feel the pull of the inner me.

I do not have many NY resolutions, my biggest would be to use my elliptical everyday and drop 30 lbs. I am also going to change my diet a bit so that it is healthier. I need to cut back on caffeine, but that's not a resolution as I know (and already have) I would break this, its just something that I would like to do. I want to help my friend through her transition as she is gearing up to start soon. This should be interesting to see if it effects me at all. I would like to make new friends who I meet up with, and have lunch and such with. I will finish my masters degree (in nursing) in February so that will be a major accomplishment that I will be so glad to complete. I would like to publish a nursing paper on informatics (my masters subject). I would like to learn a couple computer languages in the coming year. I am contemplating another masters in counseling, as I think I would do well and of coarse I would do gender and sexuality counseling and in my area there aren't too many. I want to spend more time with my family of coarse. My oldest son wants to spend the night in the Grand Canyon this summer, which I think would be great to do. I want to save more, spend less, pay off all debt, and conserve other resources. I hope to take each and every day one by one and get through them one by one. I would like to blog more, but it is hard to fit it in, although I so enjoy this community and the interaction. I would love to run a 5k or 10K, that to me would be a great accomplishment. I would like to be more honest with my wife about all of my gender feelings, although I am pretty much there. I would like to get to the doctor to get a few physical ailments cared for. Along my gender lines, I would like to work on putting together a better wardrobe, which I am getting there too, I would love to integrate some of that wardrobe into my current male one. Would love to get back on a moderate dose of hormones as I was feeling the best there, but I believe that one would move me out of the house. Well that's about it with my resolutions or goals for the New Year.

Earlier I wanted to do a blog on the Christmas move "It's a Wonderful Life" and draw analogies between my life and the life of Jimmy Stewart in the movie. I think it would have been a good thought provoking post. Someone else feel free to use the idea as I believe it would make an awesome post. I can say that I haven't posted much as my depression is at a peak at the moment so it slows me down. I believe the holidays do that, I am sure a few others have the same issue. With that I know the cause is from the fact I participated in all of the events of the holiday, and did it in male mode, the whole while thinking who I should be and how it all would be different. Jumping back to the Wonderful Life thing, if I did transition I believe I would fade into the wood work and go stealth, well in male mode I impact so many things at work and around me that I wouldn't be able to do in female mode, or at least not for a few years, not to mention you are taken so much more seriously in male skin than a female one.

Well I need to close this up, lastly I am so thankful to be included here with every one and share thoughts and feelings. This has helped me a great deal, Calie and all has made a major impact on me and what I do, at least for the time being. Well...Happy New Year to everyone, may this year be better than the last, and as the quote goes, may the sun be on your face and the wind on your back.




Calie said...

Wow, what a nice post, Bree.

I'm glad you have a friend who is in transition that you can be there for. Seeing my dear friend, Becca, from nearly start to finish has affected me in such a positive way. Being there with her, sharing virtually everything throughout her transition, has allowed me to almost live out my transition desires through her. I know that sounds weird, but it is difficult to explain.

One of your resolutions really hit me hard. Being honest with your wife. I have been honest with my wife. I have never lied to her, but I am still not at the point where I can share everything with her. At times, I still feel very alone, even with her by my side.

Happy New Year, Bree, and thanks for being such a good friend in 2009.

Calie xxx

Melissa said...


Happy New Year! I am so happy that I discovered your blog this year! I just adore you, sweetie!

You speak of your gender issues in the third person, as "she", and how "she" is always there, "she" never lets up, never tires, and is waiting for "her" chance to pull me away. Well, it's no wonder, sweetie. That "she" and "her" that you speak of, is "you"!

Like our mutual friend Leslie, you can always pretend to be a boy for the sake of your your wife and family, but you will always be Brianna to me! A sweetheart of a girl, and a sister, who like so many of us, is caught in gender limbo. It just makes me want to cry!

I think your idea of pursuing a degree in gender counseling is a wonderful idea! You have already demonstrated your compassion for humanity, by becoming a nurse. Something I'm not unfamiliar with, seeing as how both my mother, and my late twin sister were both nurses.

Follow your heart, and do what you think you must sweetie. I just hope that someday soon, you will find the freedom that seems to be eluding you.

Melissa XXOO