December 06, 2009

go back on or stay off hormones...I know what I want

Well my happiness and gender quotients have taken opposite paths and spread about as far as they can. Whats my quotients, well being who I am I rate everything on a scale of one to ten, with 0 or 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest. With gender, if I hit a 10 then I transition, or at least if I stay there for like a week or more then move into transition. I was there over the summer but brought it down with my own persuasive thinking on where I want to be (or where my wife wants me to be). So for the last 2 months I have been off of hormones, I believe they are just about out of my system completely. Well my body doesn't seem to agree with that at all. As along with the gender issue, I deal with depression, yes its related to gender. I take medications for that (highly recommend to anyone who doesn't) and they keep my emotions from tanking totally. Anyway hormones for me provide me with a positive mood, a buffer for my aggression when my testosterone is at a normal range, and positive body image with the feeling of being who I should be.
I went off hormones over the summer since I decided I wasn't going to transition and yes my wife basically saying if I couldn't satisfy her and be a husband then we needed to look at our options for separation, as she needs a husband who will be with her in her old age to grow old with. I did try several times to go off in the past as I have been on hormones for 3+ yrs and it was always hard to quit. Don't get me wrong they have their ups and downs. The negatives, well body changes, while being a male (I wore compression t-shirts for awhile), widen bottom, and overall female appearance. When I was on them my body took to them like I could not believe. It was all positive for the woman in me, but bad for the male representing. Over all I was happy, all the time.
Well now I am off and have been off and feel like shit, but hey my wife is happy I am off and she feels sorry that I feel so bad. Great. In my mix is also 3 kids, marriage for 15 yrs, and my job. So yes its not that easy to decide to jump back on. Some may say do the "low dose" well being as sensitive to them as I am, even a low dose kicks in all of the changes, and puts me in a pseudo menopause, with an occasional hot flash. Yes I feel as if my body has found its missing element, almost like a diabetic with insulin. If I go back on I am sure I won't say anything then my mood goes up, and then I get see, you don't need them. With that though is the no sex thing, which doesn't work, and within about three weeks the visible changes start to kick back in.
Well concluding, I am sure this bounces around and is a bit sporadic in the thought and organization, but anyway this is all my dilemma, questions/comments are welcome. Not sure if it will help as this has to be my decision in the end, and I don't think there is any type of compromise not that I know. Gender issues aren't they a bitch!



Melissa said...

Bree sweetie, 1st of all, thank you so much for enabling your pop up window! I had just discovered your blog when suddenly I lost my ability to post comments on blogs with the embedded comment section at the bottom of the blog. Now we can talk again!

I feel so sad for you! Your situation and Leslie Ann's sound so similar, but it has to even worse for you, because you have tasted the sweetness of being hormonally female. I can't imagine experiencing that joy for over 3 years and then having to go cold turkey. The fact that your wife feels sorry for you, because you feel like shit, now that you are off hormones, must seem like cold comfort indeed! Especially since you did it at her behest. If I was under similar circumstances, I would feel so used. You look so adorable in your profile picture. So relaxed and happy, and completely natural as a girl! I just can't imagine you going back.

I guess the biggest lesson I have learned from reading your blog, Leslie's, and some others, is that if you are young, single, and have any doubts about your gender identity, don't even think about getting married, until you have it all sorted out, lest you find yourself caught in a web of conflicted loyalties.

God love you Bree! You are going to have to do whatever you think is best for you. Go back on hormones and be essentially happy, albeit regretting the negative consequences with your family, or forgo the hormones, and rely on anti-depressants to keep you in an emotional limbo for the rest of your life, while fulfilling the responsibilities of a husband and father. I don't envy your choice.

A warm compassionate hug for you!
Melissa XXOO

caroline said...

Melissa, as she so often does, has got here first and said what I would have said but she was more gentle.

I don't envy you your decision on this to give up what you have found is right for you to live a life which you do not like to fulfil poorly a role you are not suited to sounds like a nobody wins answer.

I knew I could not risk ever being in your situation so never had children, got snipped as soon as I could. I never wanted to lumber anybody with me in a marriage but someone found me who was not looking for a masculine male so we have been lucky and stayed together.

TV statistic today 45% of marriages end in divorce!

You should seriously be asking how you can best serve the family, as a depressed drugged father or as a happy well rounded human being but with a sound friendship with the mother.

Your head must be spinning, my heart goes out for you.

Caroline xx

Anonymous said...

Wow, your situation has a lot of parallels with mine.
The one major difference is that I have never been on hormones.
As you said at the end of your blog, it is only you that can make the decision as you have the full picture. But I know how challenging this is.
To put your families wellfare before your own is admirable but what if doing that makes your life so difficult that in the end the result is possibly worse.
There is hope though.
Caroline saays that 45% of TV marriages end in divorce. But that means that 55% dont.
So there is hope for us!

caroline said...

OOOOps should be more careful here! TV this time was Television so 45% is for EVERYBODY! that is a heck of a lot of divorce and not much more successful marriage.

Couples can survive a transition, just found out that Marcie Bowers is still married, fine example for us.

Caroline xx

Melissa said...

@ Caroline

Where did you hear that, Caroline? I saw a few episodes of her documentary series, Sex Change Hospital (, and I was pretty sure she was no longer with her wife, although her son was with her (maybe just visiting). In fact, I think she was dating a lesbian. It showed them playing golf together.

Melissa XX

Leslie Ann said...

Bree, dear, I don't know how you can trade a healthy body and mind just to fit into someone else's mold. No, wait, I do understand.

I ache for you and Lisa and Calie, as I do for myself. Melissa is right. If there are doubts, don't get married. But so few would recognize themselves in us, until it's too late. I didn't see this as a life sentence until I was in my forties. I would give up everything for access to a wayback machine, just to undo the mistakes that bind me today.

Follow your heart, Bree, and good luck with your decisions.

caroline said...

@ Melissa, short term memory loss! It was just the other day so may well come back to me.

Caroline xx

caroline said...

Found it.

Caroline xx

Two Auntees said...

Hi Bree, I'm Sarah, and have traveled further on the gender path than you. Yes, ultimately the decision about your life is yours, and yours alone.

I waited in my marriage for 35 years until our youngest was in college, and I held the dressing in check, more or less for 30 years. Oh she knew about my dressing from the beginning of the marriage, but we avoided each other until it hurt both of us.

To give up on your true self as you let your wife manipulates you is your choice. I don't know how old your children are or if you can be full time with your employer; I don't know these answers. What I do know is that at this time, what ever you decide you will hurt someone you love. You will have to chose the path that will not hurt the most important person in your life. Bree will always live just under your skin, ready to spring out whenever she thinks she can.

Don't sneak around with hormones, secrets won't stay in the closet. Be up front with her.

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