Well my happiness and gender quotients have taken opposite paths and spread about as far as they can. Whats my quotients, well being who I am I rate everything on a scale of one to ten, with 0 or 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest. With gender, if I hit a 10 then I transition, or at least if I stay there for like a week or more then move into transition. I was there over the summer but brought it down with my own persuasive thinking on where I want to be (or where my wife wants me to be). So for the last 2 months I have been off of hormones, I believe they are just about out of my system completely. Well my body doesn't seem to agree with that at all. As along with the gender issue, I deal with depression, yes its related to gender. I take medications for that (highly recommend to anyone who doesn't) and they keep my emotions from tanking totally. Anyway hormones for me provide me with a positive mood, a buffer for my aggression when my testosterone is at a normal range, and positive body image with the feeling of being who I should be.
I went off hormones over the summer since I decided I wasn't going to transition and yes my wife basically saying if I couldn't satisfy her and be a husband then we needed to look at our options for separation, as she needs a husband who will be with her in her old age to grow old with. I did try several times to go off in the past as I have been on hormones for 3+ yrs and it was always hard to quit. Don't get me wrong they have their ups and downs. The negatives, well body changes, while being a male (I wore compression t-shirts for awhile), widen bottom, and overall female appearance. When I was on them my body took to them like I could not believe. It was all positive for the woman in me, but bad for the male representing. Over all I was happy, all the time.
Well now I am off and have been off and feel like shit, but hey my wife is happy I am off and she feels sorry that I feel so bad. Great. In my mix is also 3 kids, marriage for 15 yrs, and my job. So yes its not that easy to decide to jump back on. Some may say do the "low dose" well being as sensitive to them as I am, even a low dose kicks in all of the changes, and puts me in a pseudo menopause, with an occasional hot flash. Yes I feel as if my body has found its missing element, almost like a diabetic with insulin. If I go back on I am sure I won't say anything then my mood goes up, and then I get see, you don't need them. With that though is the no sex thing, which doesn't work, and within about three weeks the visible changes start to kick back in.
Well concluding, I am sure this bounces around and is a bit sporadic in the thought and organization, but anyway this is all my dilemma, questions/comments are welcome. Not sure if it will help as this has to be my decision in the end, and I don't think there is any type of compromise not that I know. Gender issues aren't they a bitch!