January 23, 2010

many many years ago

Many may have noticed that I recently changed my picture. I do this in the name of the past way back week that was just on Facebook and dug out the first picture I had ever taken of myself. It was about 3 mos after I got married (16 yrs ago) and I had also recently came out to my wife as a crossdresser. I basically introduced to her late one night lying in bed about 6 weeks after a halloween party we had attended where I dressed up as what you may expect. She took it hard for some time and learned to accept it, little did she realize that it would progress and grow to consume my life and hers. She always says that she would not do anything different, but sometimes I do wonder. I do wonder if she would have married me had she known, she says that she probably wouldn't have. Its very odd to see our pictures over times where you can see some of the changes with me. I guess the first was the eye brows, then facial hair then the effects of hormones which are way to many to list.

I always enjoyed the picture I have up, it was one of those times when I got everything just right, the clothes, the hair (wig), and make up. I used to work 12 hours shifts and had many days all by myself and really enjoyed the time. I did go out a time or two into the real world but just for a drive around. I had also gone out to a pretty great bar, about 2 yrs after this pic. I did slowly push the limits of all this over time, which I know many do, and my wife called my on every step of the way. It wasn't until the hormones really started to kick in that she had enough. I find it funny where her breaking point is (not really funny), and wonder if I pushed farther would she go for that too. I am too a point I really don't want to find out for the moment.

I have promised to really stay in this world of maledome and so therefore I don't take hormones. I don't really have a desire to dress up anymore. To me its not any real big deal as I see no real difference from that to my everyday dressing up. I feel empty at times or not myself, which is to be expected I am sure. My wife recently told me she would support my decision to transition, although I would not be allowed to live in my home with my family. I really, really don't want to give that up as they mean so much too me and they are my only real enjoyment in life. Now I do wonder if I transitioned if I would find enjoyment in myself, and yet still get to enjoy my family from time to time. I do have a job, and school, and thats about it otherwise, no real male friends, and not really anything else in my life to bring me joy. I have started on my second antidepressant, which is effexor, my first is wellbutran. I find it interesting to life my life with pharmacological support all just to stave off transition for the time being. recently my wife asked my time frame and I said I had none. Truth be told I did throw it out a bit ago, I was to transition this coming summer, but I have been able to hold off or at least I think so.

The biggest girly thing I do now is buy clothing on Ebay, which is my life tip for all of you for the year. I buy womens clothing lots, you can get like 5 to 20 outfits in one grouping for about 50 to 150. I have found this to be great, especially if you get lucky and few bid. Now I will ask that you don't rival me, at least I would appreciate it. So if you so start to bid on 12 to 14 lots let me know and I will shoot you my ebay name and won't drive up the price. Anyway you can get nearly new clothing that matches. If it doesn't fit or you don't like it then trash it. I on average spend about 5 to 7 an outfit for name brand stuff. Well I don't want to make it sound too great as I don't want the competition.

Well that about concludes this little post, thanks again for all of your support and feed back. Has anyone wondered if this interaction between all of us helps or hurts our efforts? If you want to not transition or if you do want to transition, does an online group of your peers help or hurt your efforts.

Cheers

B

7 comments:

Leslie Ann said...

I don't know if it helps or hurts, but I do know that I would feel very alone much of the time without my online friends. In that regard, it helps a great deal. It's not great in helping to temper my desires to initiate some kind of transition. A mixed bag, but I can't imagine not having it.

Melissa said...

Bree,

This recent post of yours, has me in real tears! God love you, sweetie! The thought of girl as as precious as you, having to eschew your dreams, for the sake of your wife's comfort, just breaks my heart!

Check my profile for my email address if you ever want to talk. I think you are just the sweetest!

Melissa XXOO

lisalisa said...

Its a tough place to be and a dilema I am also in at the moment to.
The internet friends thing is a double edged sword.
I love all my friends but if I spent to much time on line all this overwhelms me and it becomes difficult.
I do sometimes take a break for a week or so but cant stay away for long.
x

Stace said...

I have to agree with Lisa...


Stace

Calie said...

Wow, Bree, a lot to think about.

I have had you, often, in my thoughts. I have wondered if my public comments about my own battle not to transition has helped or hurt you.

For me, it helps to read the blogs of those like us (albeit my last blog post has one exception to this). I fight this strong desire every minute of every day and I still think I am making the right decision for me...at this time in my life. I never rule it out. But that does not necessarily mean that my decision should be your decision. We are all different. The important thing is that whichever path you take, you will continue to have my support and friendship.

Calie xxx

Leslie Ann said...

BTW, I love the picture, but I never would have recognized her as the person in your former profile pic. How hormones do change a person!

Rebecca said...

It helps me a lot to be able to connect with people who understand what I'm thinking and feeling, and the friendship and support I've found on-line has been invaluable. Being able to get both perspectives, of those who are transitioning and those who choose not to transition, has also been informative and helpful. The only tough part is that most of the friendships that develop are with people who live far away and we're not able to meet each other in person.

It's a tough and unfair position to be in, having to choose between being able to be yourself or keeping your family.

Take care of yourself Bree, and hang in there.

Rebecca