In my ever quest for find my cause of my GID, I stumbled across an article on Narcissism. After reading it over I thought "hey this is me" as I dug in a bit further, I see where it can lead to borderline personality disorder (BPD) and one of the off shoots of BPD is problems with gender! Ta da! I found the cause in my quest, I can say I was happy, well not with the diagnosis, but with the fact I found the cause. Now with the cause identified and knowledge on the subject I could work for a cure. I was content enough I told my wife, she agreed with the narcissistic diagnosis after I read through the symptoms of them, so I was even better, outside confirmation. I even took an online quiz that rated scores, 15 was a normal person, hollywood people were like 18 to 19, and my score you ask, a whopping 35!
Ok so I think I am, an online quiz confirms it, and another person agrees, so its settled, I am narcissistic. I even went as far to tell another friend my findings and she also said her wife had told her that she was narcissistic at times, I told her to take the quiz too and see what she got. Well about this time, I am thinking Nobel Prize. I mean I have solved one of the biggest quandaries of my time. See I still possess a bit of denial, and think that yes there are some true transsexuals out there who are good people, and then there are the likes of me, who walks and talks like a trans, but deep down isn't really, nah, not me. I am not trans, I am psychotic in some profound way, and just need medications, shock treatments, and psychotherapy, and I will be "cured." Some may wonder why I would want a BPD opposed to being trans, well I would bet it would be much more acceptable, right? I mean couldn't you tell others that, "yes I have a mental illness, but I am taking meds and am coping fine," opposed to "yes I am transsexual and I am coping fine (facial tick-smile)." I will go one farther and say that my counselor told me once that it would be easier to tell your relatives that you killed someone and are going to prison for along time over being transsexual, so mental illness is much better than trans right?
I can even trace the cause back to my childhood, looking at wikipedia, the source of all knowledge, it says that narcissism can be caused by unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents. I was a victium there, I was raised by a single mother who was really never home, and I did raise myself for a lot of the time, especially my younger years, and since I did not have parental admiration, well I gave extra to myself, in fact in the third grade I was told by the teacher to write out the meaning of conceited, which was 'thinks highly of ones self' I didn't get it then, in fact I didn't see anything wrong with this, but hey now I see all the puzzle pieces fitting together. Once again I can see the publication in the literature now, with my new MSN behind my name, I have or will have found the cause of distress to so many and all will be relieved. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder)
So, you too who are in my boat (yes mine, narcissistic remember) think, "hey I too can be Narcissistic too what are the symptoms?" Well I am so glad you asked, and I will confirm my own narcissism while I provide the information.
The Mayo Clinic says Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
Believing that you're better than others
OK, I admit it I do believe I am better than many others, I am smarter, have better ideas, can run fast, jump higher, and have above average intelligence. I look at the world and don't understand how it can be so easy and many others make it so very hard. I excel at work, and know I am better than most, I was a flight nurse for god sake, so yeah I am better than most nurses I know. Check symptom one.
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
I can say there isn't a day that goes by that I do not say the world would be a much better place if I ran it. I am working so hard at work to get ahead, because those above me so got promoted due to incompetence opposed to knowledge and common sense. I can go as far to say I would make a great leader in whatever I took on, in fact when I was the head of the ER at my hospital, I was loved by most and ran the ER like a finely tuned machine. I live for success, I am always wanting more, and always wanting to be successful. The attractiveness, well howdy do, there is a trans element mixed right in, I want to look good, but as a woman, not a man, don't care for the manly thing, but womanly style I am right on it, although at work I wear scrubs, but hey I have good hair!
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Well this is a check right off, don't have to justify this much, you have been reading up to this point, so you have the jist.
Expecting constant praise and admiration
I so did not get any of this as a child, and I so crave it. I work hard to attain it and when I do get it, shirk it off like I expect it. You want me to like you forever and do anything for you, then praise me everyday, trick me to believe it is sincere, and I would go as far as giving you a kidney if you needed one. So yes I do love praise.
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Well I also believe to myself that I am special, I think I went as far in one of my blogs to say that trans were the next step in evolution up. I can say I look at the world and know I am special, and know I am better than a lot of others, especially all of those republicans, look at Sarah Palin, she thinks she is special for god sake, and she is a moron, so I am much better than her.
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Yes I can be aloof to others feelings, my wife will say all the time that I don't get the kids feelings or I only give her x amount of time to be sick or won't acknowledge when others are hurt as I will fulfill my own needs, so check again.
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Yes, why wouldn't I my plans are much better than most. I put a lot of time and effort into my plans, so yes I expect you to go along. Not only that, but I am a leader damn it, so yes others should follow me and my ideas/plans.
Taking advantage of others
In order to get my plans followed, I have to manipulate others to follow my plan. I know how the ending is supposed to be, so there again, I will take advantage of others to get what I need.
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
I'm right, they're wrong, how can they be so stupid! How can others be so lazy and not want what is best, not what is easiest! So since you're lazy and won't put in the extra work, I have no use for you. Even on my lazy day I exceed others, god forbid I try, who knows I might even solve the energy crisis if I tried too.
Being jealous of others
Well again established earlier, I am jealous of those who have achieved more than I, especially those I am smarter than. So check again.
Believing that others are jealous of you
Well maybe not so much here, I don't meet all of this one, as I am not the top of the heap yet, but when I am they will be.
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
This one is a challenge also, I have a good relationship with my wife, but other than that I really have no friends. I have one that I do stuff with, but very rarely, and I have online friends, but they usually don't cross into the real world, this for the most part is due to the fact they are spread around the freakin world, damn you Brits (although I do love you). So this one is so so.
Setting unrealistic goals
OK now we are back to me, I want to be the leader, the king, the president, whoever it is that gets to make the decisions, I want that to be me! My goal is to make lots of money, and to have lots of influence, and I want to get there before I die, so sooner than later. I want to solve major issues and I want to be acknowledged publically for something big just once in my life!
Being easily hurt and rejected
I can say that I really do want to be liked, if not, I am sad. I can say that I am very insecure at times and when my ideas aren't accepted, well again I'm hurt. When I am not picked for whatever, if whatever project isn't given to me, I am sad. If someone throws a negative comment my way, I don't like it.
Having a fragile self-esteem
OK so for brevity, see above.
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
I am a rock when it comes to showing emotion, I can say that I have cried from time to time, well when I was on hormones, I could cry very easily, which was nice, although sometimes it was a bit much as I would try to shift into stoic mode and that was very hard. When I am hurt or rejected I can play it off very well, and then sling mud right back at ya, and not only sling mud, but I will sling a bit more than you gave me, and to take it further, my mind will search for that secret flaw you have, that I know your self conscious of and exploit it to the very hilt. You hurt me, well I am coming back at you hard enough that you will think twice before ever trying that again!
OK so you can see where I am going with a lot of this, in fact, you can see why I can be challenging to others. I always said I am like a red whine, eventually I am good, you just have to develop a taste for it. So after reading all of the narcissistic stuff I had it down pretty good. Just in time too as I was going to see my psychiatrist a few days after this discovery. My psychiatrist, is a very interesting person, she is a young woman, 30s, and looks like Rachel from friends. She is a leader in her field and can be a bit dry at times. I often wonder why she is in psychology, and what her underlying pathology is as I know that anyone who is in the field is usually searching for their own answers too. I never bothered to ask as when I am there its about me, she gets 285 half hour so time is money.
Anyway I am in her office and we are making small talk about my moods and how my medication is getting ready to wrap things up and she is like "anything else?" I then say that I have solved my issue, that I am narcissistic, with a borderline personality disorder, that has symptoms of gender dysphoria. The dysphoria is caused from my narcissism, and all though I don't have a full blown personality disorder, I have just enough to cause gender issues, and thus this is my problem. She then cocks her head and says really, and what make you think this, so I spout off what you have read above. She pauses and pulls a mini DSM4 (this is the book that psychiatric diagnosis come from) from her desk, opens up to narcissism and begins to go through the symptoms. I will summarize again, as if you have come this far, you are wanting a wrap up of the story soon.
So the questioning begins, and we start with believing that you're better than others, she ask do you really believe you are better than other, or do you believe that through hard work and dedication that you can be better than others, and that with your hard work, you have attained more than most. I am like, well yes I do believe that anything worth while you have to work for, OK she says. ALong thos same lines while wanting to improve your life, do you see that in order to attain more wealth and success, that you think it would be better if you were to lead projects, based on your experiences? Yes I said, she then asks, if I am going to be the CEO of my hospital, I hememed a bit and said some day, maybe. She asked if I deserved it now, and I said there is no way, she then goes back to well then you don't think that its owed to you in any way what so ever, I again said no. As for the attractivness and gender, thing, she asked if I was flashy or just plain, well just plain I said. Are you a stunning model type woman? Nope, just plain me. Ok she says. Have you acheived many things in your career? Well yes...like what she asks, I then went into all I have done so far. OK she says so then you are an expert in your field, and you sometimes let others know it, yes I say. Do you overtly brag about it? Well no I say, not really. Then I ask about the constant praise and admiration, she asks a bit and then says, well everyone likes to be appreciated and told they do a good job, I am like OK. She then goes on to ask if I talk to the cleaning people or cafeteria workers in the hospital...yes I do... you don't think your better than them she says? Well I do better than they do...she then says but you are friendly right? Yes I say, well OK she says. Do you want more from life and you envy those that have more than you right, she asks? Yes, I say, she asks if I ever take or steal or feel I am entitled to their things...well no I say...OK, she responds. She then asks if people at work like me...well yes they do I respond...people seek you out and respond well to you, she asks...I respond with a confident yes. She then explains that narcissists, don't have people around them, as no one likes to be around them, in fact people avoid them, do you think people avoid you she asks...well no I say. How long have you been married she asks...like 16 yrs I said...and its a good marriage she asks....seems like it so far, it works pretty well I say. She then asks you want to achieve more and be more, right? Then goes on to say all healthy people do...OH I say. She then goes on to say, youre a nurse right? And patients like you right? Yes I say. Well, she says, if you were narcissistic, you wouldn't be able to do your job, much less do it well, in fact you would have never picked it!
Well OK, I say, as things are wrapping up. I guess I was wrong about the whole narcissistic thing huh? Yes she says, and then she says thats a good thing right? Well I say, now I have to go back to the drawing board and figure out what has caused me to be this way. She then chimes in, nothing has caused it, you are who you are, and not a bad person either. She goes on to say that there are many things we don't understand and gender issues are one of them, in fact gender issue aren't studied like they should be, so we don't have the information we need to even guess a cause, although there are theories.
Well OK, I say and wrap things up and leave it for another day.
In the end I suppose I was a bit saddened as I thought I found it, the cause only to be alluded once again...damn her...the girl inside, not the psychiatrist! Thanks for your time.