November 11, 2009

Pulling back

Pulling back

In the last several weeks I have really been pulling back with my online presence. I have pretty much decided that I won’t ever transition and so am really just lying low as I like to call it. So I went into a paint program and drew up a stick figure of me and replaced my pic on all my sites (except this one) and pulled off a great deal of information about me and such. I have found that if I am not online immersing myself in the whole gender thing it is better. It is harder to pull myself back. I have also found that creating an online presence of my male self has cause a diversion that has also helped. Let me tell you I was really plugged in, although I didn’t use all of the technology to its fullest. I can say that the noise in my head is starting up again and increasingly consuming my processing power. I have now been off my gender medications for several weeks, and the nasty feeling of testosterone is coming back. I so hate that hormone. It is not to my liking, I plan on staying off this time, now I will also say that will be hard as it has been like 3 to 4 yrs that I have been on some type of hormone or hormone suppressant. I have tried several times in the past, and have gone back on, I am sure that is not good for you, but I tried to quit multiple time and this time I do hope its it. For those who want to go on hormones, to see if it causes the “noise” to go away, well it does, but it also cause other side effects, such as decreased sexual ability, redistribution of fat, and an increase in emotional responses. I was told the other day that E and spiro have the ability to increase depression…who knew, I take antidepressants so wow, maybe I can get off of those too. Although when life throws me a curve, then I won’t hit a bottom like I used too before anti depressants.

Me pulling back also caused me to notice a few of my friends doing the same, which is odd how we are all linked together. With that, I wonder if more people discouraged you instead of encouraging you, would you end up in the same place or would you lean another way. I identified myself to a person I made an anonymous posting on their blog. Why anonymous, well when I was in my younger internet days, I would get so blasted by so many for making an alternate opinion to the group, and some can be so hateful, well if its anonymous, well they can’t really attack you personally. I did apologize to the person, as I did not mean anything mean by any of it, I just want to put an alternate opinion and I also want to acknowledge that I have had some similar feelings and well have been told similar advice by my therapist, so share the advice and all for free!

My advice to anyone who is a late in life trans, is don’t do it. Also the more you have and the more you have to loose is more of a reason not too. Find other things to occupy your time, go online but as who you present as everyday. One last thing I recommend is listen to all of the “Radio Lab” podcasts, and when I say listen, I mean really sit down in a quiet area, and listen to them, I listen in my car on my way to work, and I can say I haven’t listened to anything else in the last several weeks. They give you an idea of what its like to be human, and why it is we do the things we do, they also have the scientific proof behind them as support for what they say, nothing like a bunch of scholars saying that your brain does this because of evolution, or how about there is no such thing as free will…WOW! Here is my take on quantum physics and me, in all of my other life's in the other dimensions, I am a woman, and in this present time here and now, I am stuck as a male, so I will deal with it, and just know that in an infinite number of other universes I transitioned or I was born a female. I just feel the waves of incongruity here and now. I also believe that we are the next step in human evolution, we are the more domesticated human. Did you know that the more you take the wildness and beast out of an animal the more feminine it becomes…that being female is being more evolved. How about that! Well I could go on, but I am so not doing anyone any favors and I am defiantly not doing justice to the Radio Lab podcast. So curl up late at night when all is quiet and listen, listen to those that seem to pertain to you at first, then listen to the rest. Here is the link and it is also on I tunes.
Some of those that will help with your decision are: Stress, Choice, Who am I, Detective stories, Morality, Sleep, Zoos, Stochasticity, What is normal, and actually all of the rest have some useful facts. If and when you do listen, do this for me start pulling out those parts that you can relate to your life as a transperson. When I listen to them on a second round (I haven’t listened to them all yet) I want to start pulling out true facts, and I want to really present a truth. See I believe the answer is out there, its just assembling it all together to make sense. I would defiantly like some feed back on this, and it can even be anonymous, as any feed back is good feedback and all the better if you challenge me, how else will I know if I am right? If it can’t take a good challenge then maybe it isn’t true….

Thanks for listening



Leslie Ann said...

Bree, I wouldn't begin to know how to challenge you on this front. You are evidently very conflicted about your direction. I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that fighting this is a fool's errand, yet I will continue to take it as slowly as I can. I can only wish you luck on your journey. I hope that immersing yourself in a man's life will enable you to forget the rest.

Calie said...

Bree, I'm with you, girl. I do mean "girl" because you truly are one inside if you have been on T-Blockers and the "feelings" are still there.

I would encourage you to leave this blog up, especially this post, even if you don't intend to post anymore. This post could save some marriages and help some of our sisters make decisions in the future.

I will followup with a private email when I get a chance. I hope the email address I have for you is still good.

A wonderful post, Bree.

Calie xxx

Melissa said...

If you are the anonymous who responded to Leslie's blog, Sad Little Marionette, then I would like to apologize for saying that you obviously didn't know anything about being trans. That was a very stupid thing for me to say, and I realized it after it was to late to retract it.

Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves, regardless of what advice others give them. I don't know you, so I don't know your life. All I have seen is your pictures, and for the life of me, I cant see how anyone who has been on hormones for 3-4 years, and is as beautiful and naturally feminine as you appear to be, could ever want to return to the hell of living as a full time male. You don't go into details explaining why you have decided to eschew life as a female. It almost sounds like you are going through a grand purge. Most of us have done that on more than one occasion, only to eventually return to our pursuit of some semblance of a feminine life. You do know that a complete transition, meaning GRS, is not mandatory to live a trans life, don't you?


Common Teri said...

I really hope you can find happiness or at least some sort of comfort as a man. You make some very valid points about the influence of the trans community. There are aspects about it that are very addicting, mainly the support and camaraderie of like minded people.

Differing opinions can be good to hear, but when you disagree with the dogma of any group you're likely to become ostracized. Suggesting that group is not good to belong to is going to lose one support. But can one stop being trans? I don't believe so but I do believe some can control what they do about it.

Trans folk don't like to hear we may be wrong because we've been made to feel wrong our whole lives. Yet the only way to know if you fit in a group is to question it.

It's not wrong to be trans but it can definitely have adverse effects on one's life. Renae Richards once said if you are in your forties or older avoid transitioning at all costs. She had some very major purges, once even having a mastectomy. But she still wound up living as a woman.

Obviously some things are easier said than done.

Many a trans life can be chronicled through it's purges. We purge not because we feel being trans is wrong but because if go further we fear the dire consequences. Very legitimate fears.

Not all trans folk have to transition to full time or have GRS. And transition doesn't have to mean always going forward. We each have to do what we feel is right for us.

Purging and leaving the trans community is easy I've done it hundreds of times. :o)

Good luck Bree I hope you find what works for you. Don't ever be afraid of giving an alternate opinion. Difference keeps things from getting boring.

Suzi said...

Bree, I found this post through a link on someone else's blog. I have never been on hormones and don't presently plan on doing so. However, I must admit that the urge to make that leap has haunted me many times. I know I will never fully transition. One major reason for this is that I have an accepting wife and we are very much in love...happily married for 34 years. Another reason is that I have seen what you have described...the depression more than anything. Some seem to lose their depression, others seem to develop more. I guess there are no guarantees.

Being T is hard for each of us, and in individual ways. There seems to be no pat answers to any of the questions, problems, and decisions that have to be made. What I have done is make a conscious decision NOT to transition. I'm nearly 59 now and I my life is happier and more fulfilled than ever...a direct result of my wife's acceptance and the confidence I've developed in presenting my female life. My personal goal and desire has always been to be able to get out in the world as a woman and be accepted as such. Male activities are merely part of the drudgery of every day life now. I mostly endure them and look forward to what time I have as Suzi.

So...I wish you the very best. Being healthy and feeling well is a very important part of matter what gender we are. The worst days of my life have been those spent enduring feelings of depression. You probably feel the same way. I don't see how anyone can fault you for what you feel you must do. You may change your mind some day...if so, so what? It's your life happy. Hugs, Suzi

TinaCortina said...

Hi Bree
Reading Suzi's response I agreed with practically all until she talked of enduring male drudgery. Ok so I am definitely on the CD end of the tg spectrum so am quite happy with myself as a male but to me what is important is whether you can live a fulfilled life, however you present.

Some will always feel female however dressed. Thats fine, but it shouldn't have to stop you having a fulfilled life just because you are presenting as male. That too could be a provocative and unpopular statement.

Perhaps what is important to you is to get off the drugs and live as natural life as possible but of your choosing. I certainly wouldn't knock you for that. And if the podcasts you talk about are any good then they sound like they can assist in giving you a sense of purpose. I'm about to go off and see what they are.

Good luck in your new journey.

Hugs TinaCortina x

Lucy Melford said...

Bree, I commented about your posting on Calie's Chronicles. Reading that comment now, I feel I ought to expand on my feelings about being trans a little more. On 9 November I posted a piece called 'The Transsexual Manifesto'. I invite you to read it, but I certainly won't ask you to swallow it whole!


Lisa in Raleigh said...


I have read this post a least a dozen times, and each time my heart goes out to you. My situation is similar, but clearly closer to Calie's experiences.

The decision on how to live one’s life and the cost that comes with that as time goes by constantly changes, as well as its impact to others within your life. In the end, it is a personal decision and only you can decide what is right for you and your extended family.

The cautions you raise are real and should be said, in order that others have a balanced spectrum of insight and opinion to make their own decisions. I am impressed by your courage to reach such a decision, having journeyed so far, I honestly do not know if I could change course at that stage, regardless of how I actually felt.

I wish you and your family the best and that you can find what you require from life down the path you have chosen.

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