In the last several weeks I have really been pulling back with my online presence. I have pretty much decided that I won’t ever transition and so am really just lying low as I like to call it. So I went into a paint program and drew up a stick figure of me and replaced my pic on all my sites (except this one) and pulled off a great deal of information about me and such. I have found that if I am not online immersing myself in the whole gender thing it is better. It is harder to pull myself back. I have also found that creating an online presence of my male self has cause a diversion that has also helped. Let me tell you I was really plugged in, although I didn’t use all of the technology to its fullest. I can say that the noise in my head is starting up again and increasingly consuming my processing power. I have now been off my gender medications for several weeks, and the nasty feeling of testosterone is coming back. I so hate that hormone. It is not to my liking, I plan on staying off this time, now I will also say that will be hard as it has been like 3 to 4 yrs that I have been on some type of hormone or hormone suppressant. I have tried several times in the past, and have gone back on, I am sure that is not good for you, but I tried to quit multiple time and this time I do hope its it. For those who want to go on hormones, to see if it causes the “noise” to go away, well it does, but it also cause other side effects, such as decreased sexual ability, redistribution of fat, and an increase in emotional responses. I was told the other day that E and spiro have the ability to increase depression…who knew, I take antidepressants so wow, maybe I can get off of those too. Although when life throws me a curve, then I won’t hit a bottom like I used too before anti depressants.
Me pulling back also caused me to notice a few of my friends doing the same, which is odd how we are all linked together. With that, I wonder if more people discouraged you instead of encouraging you, would you end up in the same place or would you lean another way. I identified myself to a person I made an anonymous posting on their blog. Why anonymous, well when I was in my younger internet days, I would get so blasted by so many for making an alternate opinion to the group, and some can be so hateful, well if its anonymous, well they can’t really attack you personally. I did apologize to the person, as I did not mean anything mean by any of it, I just want to put an alternate opinion and I also want to acknowledge that I have had some similar feelings and well have been told similar advice by my therapist, so share the advice and all for free!
My advice to anyone who is a late in life trans, is don’t do it. Also the more you have and the more you have to loose is more of a reason not too. Find other things to occupy your time, go online but as who you present as everyday. One last thing I recommend is listen to all of the “Radio Lab” podcasts, and when I say listen, I mean really sit down in a quiet area, and listen to them, I listen in my car on my way to work, and I can say I haven’t listened to anything else in the last several weeks. They give you an idea of what its like to be human, and why it is we do the things we do, they also have the scientific proof behind them as support for what they say, nothing like a bunch of scholars saying that your brain does this because of evolution, or how about there is no such thing as free will…WOW! Here is my take on quantum physics and me, in all of my other life's in the other dimensions, I am a woman, and in this present time here and now, I am stuck as a male, so I will deal with it, and just know that in an infinite number of other universes I transitioned or I was born a female. I just feel the waves of incongruity here and now. I also believe that we are the next step in human evolution, we are the more domesticated human. Did you know that the more you take the wildness and beast out of an animal the more feminine it becomes…that being female is being more evolved. How about that! Well I could go on, but I am so not doing anyone any favors and I am defiantly not doing justice to the Radio Lab podcast. So curl up late at night when all is quiet and listen, listen to those that seem to pertain to you at first, then listen to the rest. Here is the link and it is also on I tunes. http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/
Some of those that will help with your decision are: Stress, Choice, Who am I, Detective stories, Morality, Sleep, Zoos, Stochasticity, What is normal, and actually all of the rest have some useful facts. If and when you do listen, do this for me start pulling out those parts that you can relate to your life as a transperson. When I listen to them on a second round (I haven’t listened to them all yet) I want to start pulling out true facts, and I want to really present a truth. See I believe the answer is out there, its just assembling it all together to make sense. I would defiantly like some feed back on this, and it can even be anonymous, as any feed back is good feedback and all the better if you challenge me, how else will I know if I am right? If it can’t take a good challenge then maybe it isn’t true….
Thanks for listening