January 15, 2011


This story was posted on another blog (Lost in Transgender) and I found it to be a very poignant story and a story of things not necessarily considered. The story is "Runaway Train" and can be found at:


The brief synopsis is about someone who transitioned at an early age and believe it to be a mistake. She makes the best out of what she has gone through, but does have regret. As I read the story I saw some of myself in the story at certain points and could even project myself to see how I could feel as she did in the end.

Now I will say that the story has some odd questions to where it came from or how it originated, or if it is even real. Real or not, the story should cause one to stop and reflect. If it makes you think just a little, consider something you have not before, then it was worth it, if not, well it was a light read.

Again there are so many success stories and you can do it stories out there, but you never ever hear of those who regret, why is that? I can so bet there are many more out there who do regret the whole thing and wish they too would have gotten off the train before it reached its destination. They wished they too could have pulled the cord.

I am by no means saying that you the reader are on this path, but it is a serious question you need to ask yourself. Unfortunately you will never know the answer unless you get on the train. My theory on it, is if in doubt (even a little) then don't. You have made it as far as you have on the current path, why not continue? Why not take side trips to genderville from time to time, but not build a house there. With that, there are some that might find genderville is a place that they should live, so build your house upon that rock and take joy in it. But should you build you house on the sand in genderville it will come crashing down. My question is what is the rock and what is the sand? The sand are those who build on cloths, those who take pictures and pose.

Building on the rock, well only those who build can tell. I cans say my life probably won't end up that way.

Enough with analogies, and prose. I think I have come close, but not hit this one on the nose...

Read the story, reflect on your own, let me know how you feel or even if you think its real.

OK I'll stop with the rhyme.....



Halle said...

A good post Bree. If it has the effect of slowing one of us down even a little, and getting us to think hard about what we are committing to, it will have been worthwhile.

For some not very light reading on the subject, I can definitely recommend "So You Want To Be A T-Girl", as story in three parts.



Caroline said...

Well I tried to read it and am usually stubborn enough to grind through something if I feel it will add to my understanding of a subject.

It is not far in before a confession that the whole thing is driven by sexual excitement and that they were too embarrassed to call a halt to the process.

Not too sure how many of us reading your blog will identify with this scenario.

If this person has actually done this they are the kind of fool who has made life more difficult for those of us needing help to obtain it as the hurdles are raised in an effort to hold back a few idiots from causing themselves harm!

We can understand their suffering because countless thousands of us have lived out much of "OUR" lives hoping and longing for a chance to change. The difference is that we had NO choice in the matter.

Halle said...

Caroline, I would also like to think that most of the readers are way too intelligent and perceptive of their own motivation to fall into such a trap. However, given that the author (if this is factual) was a teen during most of the process, I can believe how compelling the process might have been once initiated.

Looking at the statistics for my own blog, I can only guess that a majority of readers are just on a search for information (or maybe some sort of vicarious thrill?), since few ever comment. Someone who is really a woman inside will not be put off easily; we know that.

I have experienced the hurdles. Yes, the gatekeepers are vigilant enough these days. Given what is at stake, it seems prudent for them to be very sure of what is motivating someone seeking gender reassignment, wouldn't you agree?

Caroline said...

The subject of the story certainly appears to have been swept away in a flood, having a medic for a parent doesn't appear to have helped at all.

The gate keeping system is stubborn and inflexible and in many cases illogical. Myself having avoided having anything to do with the hated system find myself being squeezed through the same rigourous tests as someone who just presented with no previous evidence from a past life just how serious this condition has been for them. My life has been a test and really trying! Rearrange to find the relevant words! For the gatekeepers it all counts for nothing and I have no idea which day they will choose to start counting this abstract life test from or how long I shall ever have to wait to qualify for a few hours in surgery.

It does ask questions about the skill and professionalism of the gatekeepers. Much of the process exists as a golden goose laying eggs for these professional gatekeepers and paid for from a section of society less able than most to pay.

The whole thing is less than ideal.

Caroline xxx

Halle said...

OH Yes! "... less than ideal." That just about sums it all up in an understated way, doesn't it in this situation that has been muddied by those for whom transsexual really is about sex, and not gender.



Dani said...

Thank you, Bree, very interesting read, whether it's a true story or not. She/he? would appear to be profoundly confused about her/his? core identity and is a textbook example of someone who should NOT be allowed to transition under ANY circumstances. If this is, in fact, a true story, how on earth anyone like her/him? could make it past the gatekeepers for as many years as she/he? did without setting off alarms is beyond me. Someone was definately asleap at the switch when that train went onto the wrong track!

I agree with Halle's recomendation of ''So You Want To Be A T-Girl''. Admitidly, it's a worst case scenerio, as is ''Runaway Train'', but both are very enlightening and should be required reading for anyone contemplating transition.

Dani xxx

Melissa said...

Well sadly, that's a couple of hours I will never get back. Painfully long, full of contradictions, and very redundant.

If this story is true, and I have very serious doubts about that, then I have very little sympathy for her, since she claims she knew what she was doing all along wasn't right, but recklessly proceeded anyway.

One of the things about this story that bothered me, was that she claimed to be getting erections and masturbating to her fantasies, all the way up to SR surgery, in spite of being on a regimen of anti-androgens and estrogen. Was anyone monitoring her T and E levels? Shouldn't years of HRT and anti-androgens rendered her effectively impotent?

Melissa XX

Calie said...

I actually found this story when doing some research (really) for the series of TS guest posts we did on T-Central. I was looking for a blogger who had regrets and found this story when Googling.

I tracked down the author, Elaine, and exchanged several emails with her. I asked her outright if it was about her own experience. She told me that it was about a friend and that she actually had another friend with a similar story. I tend to believe her. I asked her if she could write something for TC and she did, but I never published it because I felt it was too graphic and still appeared as a story rather than an actual interview with someone who regretted their transition. You can find the story she wrote for TC on Fictionmania.


Calie xxx

Melissa said...

Well Calie, now I'm convinced it was fiction. She told you that it was not about her, but about a friend instead, yet the story at the link you provided is filled with nearly identical situations and descriptions. I think what we have in Elaine, is a TV with a very fertile imagination. I wondered about that when I read the piece that Bree linked to, because there seemed to be a fictional aspect to it.

Melissa XX

bree said...

I'll have to say that after listening to Melissa and Calie's rationale, and rethinking I would have to say that the story would be fiction with a hint of truth in it, sort of like an urban legend.

As for the gatekeeper thing that many mention. I can say that there are many gatekeepers who are asleep out there and will give a green light to anyone.

Also those in the TG world are very smart, I would go as far as above average intelligence, well except those TS porn queens. But then they are pretty business savvy.

With above average intelligence you can convince anyone of anything? You can be very manipulative, and get what you want, when not blinded by lust and desire. You know the questions in advance, you know the expected answers, I will so bet you many fake it to get where they think 'they' need to be.
I would imagine years after the dust settles, that they then realize what the true consequences are. By then its too late. But I would imagine we never hear about this, as the fall out would be too great if any others in their life found out. Its one of those secrets we only tell ourselves, and then we don't really want to admit the real truth.
I am going in circles here, have a good day.


Calie said...

@Melissa - You may be right in your evaluation of Elaine. What she said to me in the emails appeared to make the story quite credible but I have since looked at some of her other stories and, reading them, would tend to make me agree with your evaluation. Perhaps it is a combination of both...a TV with a fertile imagination who also has a friend who made a mistake?

Calie xxx

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