April 12, 2011

depression sucks

OK, so you knew this already.  Depression is a disease that for the most part effects everyone who will read this post.  Depression is best described by that commercial, you know the one where the significant other looks sad, lays around, and others appear frustrated with them.  I can’t recall the drug at the moment, but I definitely feel that the commercial does capture it all.  When those drug commercials appeared on TV, I did point to them to my wife and say, “that is how I feel” her response...”I know.”  So what causes it, what can you do about it, does it ever go away?  I have a flight of ideas going on here so bare with it a you listen to my spiel.

Cause?  Well I would suppose for those reading here and now, its a gender issue, an issue where we want something or believe that we want something that we cannot have, at least at the moment.  Why can’t you have it?  Well there this thing called “society” which is the most all inclusive term that I can conjure up at the moment.  This “society” doesn’t accept things that fall out of what it thinks “normal” is and therefore we try to hide who we are.  So in the process of denial we lie and become deceitful to those around us.  We harbor enormous amounts of guilt that we really can’t even talk about with other, as it falls out of that “normal” category, and to be honest, no one would really understand.  I can’t imagine talking about it with a close friend, or even a relative.  I can hear them now “I know how you feel”  really?!?! I will say that a group of folks who can come to understanding is addicts.  I am sure you just squirmed in you seat, or are a tad bit angrier than you were when you began to read this.  

Yes addicts, I say.  You are addicted to a feeling, a feeling that won’t go away, a feeling that is built into you basic matrix, and is something you may wish that it wasn’t there.  If you have never read some of AAs readings, take some time out and read what they have, I bet you will find many similarities.  Anyway back to cause, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain (many times genetic), that I have been told will be there even with a gender change, so just know that.  Depression is basically a sadness.  It is magnified by weather, surroundings, people, places, and things.  Admission of the depression and what its cause is, is definitely a step in the right direction.  

So I said chemical imbalance, yeah that’s it.  Your brain isn’t producing the right amount of serotonin and therefore you feel sad and unmotivated.  So what can you do about it?  Pharmacology, and counseling.  Now here is where it gets iffy.  Pharmacology isn’t an exact science, and some of the side effect are sometimes just as bad.  You need someone who is experienced in prescriing depression medication and that would be a psychiatrist, not a mid-level provider or general physician, a psychiatrist is the only one who really understands the whole chemical interactions, so hopefully you have one of these types of physicians.

Counseling, that’s another place you really have to get someone who is qualified for your specific issue.  I will go on the premise that everyone here is gender variant, so you will need someone who is familiar with gender issues, don’t go with a rookie either.  I once went to a counselor who was more curious in asking me questions about gender issues as she had never met one of us, than she was with talking to me about my issues...we only talked once.  I also had a counselor who I beleived had my best interest, I now think she wanted me to transition, so along with my wanting to transition, we made a great pair, except one thing...I don’t think now, that I needed that and she just fed the monster...bad.  Then there is free counseling through support groups or online, well the problem here, they feed the same monster, and well in the end that isn’t healthy either.  I will say this, if someone tells you what you want to hear, and that is to transition, get a second opinion!  Sometimes that’s not even enough, but that’s another story.

So its chemical, you need to take medication, and you need to talk to people (licensed professionals) but will this ever go away?  According to my licensed professional the answer is NO! It may get better and subside, but never go away.   Also being sad is normal, it is a usual emotion, being sad and being incapacitated with life, that’s clinical depression and needs to be treated.  What can aggravate depression, well the list is long, but I will hit the highlights.  Lack of human contact, alcohol, drugs (recreational), cloudy weather, lack of physical activity, lack of spirituality (not necessarily religion), hormones, and many other things, yes the gender incongruity also aggravates it too.  What not to do?  Let me throw out a list of things NOT to do: suicide, take drugs, self medicate, deny your depressed, get a sex change, I could go on, but I have already gone on too long and too random so I’ll stop it there.

Me what about me, the author.  I am depressed, depression/anxiety runs in my family.  I take medication (Wellbutran 300 to 450), I see a psychiatrist, fired my counselor, talk to others about my gender issues, try to exercises, stopped hormones, and try to find joy in life (still working on this one).  As for my gender issue, well I have taken the transsexual option off the table and put autogynophelia on the table.  I then treat the autogyno as a sexual addiction, and find that its working much better than before.  My depression lifts from time to time, and I believe I have bought many more years with my family.  These years I bought, well two years ago, I was sure I wouldn’t have, and that would have been due to transition or suicide, both of which I have beat for the time being, and hope I never see their ugly faces any time soon, if ever at all.
Thanks for taking the time to listen, I hope I helped, I hope I didn’t hurt anyone, and I hope I stimulated you to think about the whole thing from a slightly different angle.  Shoot away with the comments, as I am sure they should run the gambit.

Cheers for now

B

5 comments:

Rebecca said...

Thanks for another insightful post Bree. You described so well what it's like to suffer with depression and how it just sucks the life out of you. I'm happy for you that you're able to deal with the depression and gotten to spend more quality time with your family.

Your earlier post about friends also hit home with me. It's easier to just push people away and deal with all this alone. Not the best way to handle things, but it can be so tough to make changes and do things to help ourselves.

Calie said...

Very interesting post, Bree. Not sure I buy the autogynephilia thing about you, but if it works for you, that's what counts.

I don't want to feed the monster, but if you want to discuss why I feel this way about you, via email, please feel free to write.

Calie xxx

Penny Clare said...

Hi Bree,
That was indeed a long post. You clearly have troubles. I am coming to the conclusion that most people who blog with any regularity have issues of one kind or another, an itch that has to be sratched. Don't feel worried that you have to write all this stuff down. It may help you get things clear in your own head.
Remember, life is a journey, but in time. There is no compulsion to go any place just because others do. Maybe your place is where you are now and you can find a way to enjoy it. I hope so.
All the best,
Penny

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