March 31, 2011

No Real Friends...

There seems to be a topic trending a tad bit in the blogosphere, and that is the realization of being friendless. I can say I have no real friends any more, at least no friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. I can say I try at times, but for the most part, I have no friends. I have many online friends, and I can say that those whose company I seem to enjoy the most live the farthest away. At one time I could swear that I could write a mathematical formula where the ratio of friendship and similarities was in direct proportion to distance between us.

Why is it I have no friends? Well in a nut shell, I don't have anything in common with many other males. I don't really like sports, I don't like cars, or hunting, or any other male dominated activity. I like fashion (womens), I like sappy love songs and romantic comedys, I love shoes, and bags, and I enjoy a bit of gossip too. I can stand with a group of women and so hold my own. I can hold my own so much, that I believe that many will forget that am even a man, although I get the "oh you a man, so you don't get this." Yes honey I do, more so than you think...I quietly think to myself. Then my wife is like why don't you go stand with the men and talk. So I wonder over to the group listen, then go wonder off by myself or go play with the kids. I also get told by my wife not to hang out with the women, "it looks bad" she says...looks bad how? Oh yeah, I forget now, me hanging out with the women, someone will eventually put it all together and figure out that I am trans-something! Yeah thats it, mind you, no one even those closest to me has figured it out, but me hanging with the women, someone is bound too in that brief time at a party or friendly gathering.

I can say at work I have friends, whom are all women. Now mind you I work as a nurse in a hospital and 90% of those I work with are women. Those women I am friends with talk to me like I am one of the girls, we talk about women stuff all the time. This is one of the reasons (and excuses I give if questioned) I can hold my own with a group of women outside of work...I work with all women, we girl talk every day, that pretty much all I know! So why aren't they my friends...well because I am a guy in my everyday life that is. My wife gets jealous, and their husbands get jealous, so no outside work friendships. I sometime want to come out to my girlfriends and say "hey I will dress up as a woman and then we can hang out, will that work?" I once had a friend in college I hung out with, and I ask her one day if her husband she says, I told him you were gay! I will say he was a tad pissed when he found out I wasn't, but hey I guess I could've told him, "its OK, I'm trans." I am sure he would have understood, although my fiance, who is now my wife would have freaked, if one I would have told the truth. Hmmmmm

Its only recently that I have scheduled dinner with a couple of friends (more than one at a time is a requirement) that my wife has said to have fun. She doesn't feel like I will run off with another woman anymore. I think she's more scared of gay males and other trans folk now...I think she doesn't know what to be scared of, which sort of explains an occasional act of jealousy outburst.

So what say you? Do you find you have friends, or are you wondering out and about alone? If you don't have friends why not, have you ever thought about it? When I was seriously considering transitioning, I was looking forward to having girl friends, that I can say. One of the thought I had, was that I would finally have a best friend, although I am not so sure I would have told her about being trans, but then I think she should have know as if there was a problem, its better to have told the truth and be denied, than tell a lie, be found out later, and then be pushed away.

Anyway, I am a bit curious what you think, and look forward to your feedback...


Calie said...

Oh Bree! You probably could have guessed I'd comment on this post. I so relate to it.

I did have three male friends in high school. All were quiet and withdrawn, like me, and none of us had girlfriends. We would go to movies together, etc., but none of us was gay.

Since then, however, there are really are no new male friends in my life. I feel totally out of place when around men and, really, that is so hard to explain. I just don't relate to them, but I am great at faking it. I'll check the sports scores and highlights and make like I know what I'm talking about. I'm a master at that stuff.

My trans friends, both locally and on-line, are my true friends. When I met one particular trans woman here, I finally understood what true friendship was and I think this is something that the average male never experiences, True friendship, where you can feel comfortable sharing your most intimate thoughts. I am so grateful for her and other transwoman I know here, locally.

Most of my trans friends have completed their transitions but they KNOW what I go through and they support my battle. I just don't know how I could survive as I am today without them.

These are the kinds of friends you need, Bree. There are so many of us out there, but we're also very stealth and we hide our female sides like masters of disguise. Even in a very small town, I can just about guarantee that there is someone out there similar to you. You just need to fine her.

A wonder post that I would like to re-post on T-Central.

Calie xxx

bree said...

post away I don't mind. I must say that I too master studying sports scores and such before going to any function, that way I can regurgitate facts and score and make small talk with those around me. As for making trans friends, well...I have made some around me, but am a tad scared if I went out and about with them, I would be found out myself and if I went out with them it would be in girl mode, and that most of the time doesn't work for them...
I am sure many of us are in the same boat. Thanks for commenting!


Penny Clare said...

Hi Bree,

Thanks for your post about how lonely it can be being a cross-dresser. It's semantics, but I prefer to avoid the term 'trans' as it implies all that GRS stuff which bores the pants off me. I love my wife and I am quite happy being a man, but what really gets to me is being required by society to live my life in this little box. The shops are bursting with fantasstic clothes for men, my daughter is trotting about in brand new heels and I am expected to get enthusiastic aboout another polo shirt. No thanks.
Like you I prefer to chat with the ladies at work though I have to be careful not to stray over the line too often - most of my colleagues are men and too many conversations about clothes and shoes would do nothing for the street cred. Yep, it's tough being a bloke.

All the best


Halle said...

Your second paragraph is one I might have written myself. "In the same boat" indeed!

I have a number of activities, music, golfing among them, where I participate happily with male 'friends', but when it comes time to sit or stand around and "shoot the breeze" I get very quiet these days. That was the time when my 'stand in male façade people' used to come to my rescue. These days, I just nod and smile for a while then gravitate to any women who might be nearby. I don't worry about what people think much anymore; a byproduct of getting older perhaps, or maybe the advantage of having my online friends who I can rely on to understand who I really am. :)

A great post. Thanks Bree!

Elly said...

It's a great post Bree and I can also relate with what you and those commenting have also said. Just yesterday my wife commented on a Jazzercise (aerobic workout) party that she'll attend and lamented that it was a 'girls party' but noted that I'd fit right in. Much more comfortable in the company of women.

Hugs, Elly

Melissa said...

In the late eighties, I gradually withdrew from all of my friends. I didn't mind so much spending time with certain more genteel individual males, but I loathed being around macho men, or men in numbers, where all that testosterone fueled a stupid macho groupthink. I was constantly finding myself in situations where I was expected to go along with behavior that felt was appalling, and I hated it.

I completely relate to hanging out with women. When the social circle I was part of had parties, I would often find myself sitting around the kitchen table with the women. Their conversations were much more interesting, but I had to be careful not to spend too much time with them, lest the men became suspicious of me.

Melissa XX

Karen said...

Hi Bree,

I've experienced what you are feeling. The people I was closet to were (and are) women, but when I lived as a man there was a glass wall that kept me from developing real, close friendships with many women. As the years went by I found myself withdrawing from everyone into a long depression. For me the answer was transition. I can finally be myself. It didn't suddenly solve all my problems, but the air I breathe is finally fresh and clear. I wish you the best.


LeAnne said...

I became really good at pushing people away from me. I felt I had to.

I had two really good friends all the way through high school and a few years after. We clicked. We knew each other and we were three kids whom would do anything at a moments notice for the other.
I lived closer to one of them than the other. And some times he would come by at times that were.... should I say. Less than proper. So, as years went by. I pushed them away. Allowing no one no matter what gender to ever get close. Saving me from having to deal with the 'shame' that would sprout from telling them about myself and quite possibly saving myself from a good beating. As this is how ignorance is dealt with back then in some circles.

Now my demeanor has changed. Now that I have accepted myself and I am no longer feeling the need to push people away. I'm eager for friendship and have reluctantly realized that, I don't know how to be a friend or what a friend should be?

It looks like a good thing to have! I'm jealous of how friendship is displayed in the movies and tv! However, in real life whether you are female, male, trans or what ever. Everyone views having a friend in a different way. Some look to be close and have contact daily and others are happy going out to dinner or lunch once a month or so.

There is people that I can call a friend because we all identify as trans. And that is the only reason why we are friends. We have no other similar interests at all. But we do enjoy each others company ever now and then and that is all that we have.

It seems to be an epidemic among trans women. And I think it is because we teach ourselves to hide from others until we feel that we have accepted ourselves for whom we are. Coming out of our shells ready to greet the world in a new, positive way!

And by then, it can become awkward to understand what it means to have a friend or, having the experience of being one.

Katherine said...

I struggle with this as well... I can honestly say I have one friend and that is my wife. I will offer my advice when I figure this one out for myself.

In the mean time, keep smiling. It really does help you to feel better!

Lynn Jones said...

...then go wonder off by myself or go play with the kids...

Yup. :-) Sports and cars? No thanks. I think I'd rather go wind the kids up into a frenzy. :-D

Anonymous said...

When I first started hormones, my best friend of 15 years walked away from me and has only called me once in the last three years the day of my grandma's funeral and other than that day I haven't talked to him in over three years. I have no real friend, I have a front I put on at work so I'm accepted but other than that I really have no human interaction with anyone other than my family. So I talk to my Mom, Dad, and Wife. When we go places I don't fit in and I have no interest in sports, or cars, or really anything guys like. It doesn't help that I have an introverted personality and social anxiety disorder too. I would love to have friends but I don't know if this happens to all of you but what I find is if I open open up to another trans person I get hit on. And there goes any chance of a friendship out the window. Anyway thanks for the blog it just happened to be a subject on my mind when I read it.

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bashashhazbaz said...

i'm sorry that you are going through that. since this was posted a while ago, i ask if things have improved for you?

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