Not sure if everyone knows or remembers, but my position at work has me installing and caring for an EHR at my hospital. The record is all inclusive and integrated from the doctors office too the hospital, for all of its short comings, its really quite nice, but it is open too all who have access. Now what doe that mean, well it means if I want to look at your medical records I can, all of it, and can do so rather easily. Now I will say that we run audits, but we actually have to audit the record individually so unless we are looking for it, well it isn't that apparent. Not to mention my office is already overburdened with other implementations so we don't audit much at all. Now we do lead the masses to believe that we do, and we have fired individuals for looking at records but once the secret is out, well its out.
So what do you tell your physician about your condition? At my physician's office he has a similar set up, but I do not see a physician that is associated with my hospital so I am safe. I will say that I have talked with him about this and said that I do not want transsexual in my discoverable medical record. Actually the one he uses has a hide feature which is nice, where mine does not. The same way with my psychiatrist and counselor, my "condition" is coded depression anxiety disorder, no mention of transsexualism. Actually my counselor turned m on to this in the past as she said she has had clients denied if their diagnosis was coded under transsexualism as the insurance discriminated against it. If you have never read all of the fine print of your insurance I highly recommend it some time, when you get to the exclusions it gets interesting. Now a good practitioner will know what is and what is not included and will code effectively. Those who are clueless do not. It is all about reimbursement. Now I will say one of my other worries was getting hormones from my local pharmacy, which I do, although my wife changed once I started to get me medications there as she personally knew the pharmacist. Who by the way has never let on. If she ever did I would ask for a review in a heart beat and would make it a big deal at the time.
I know some may say isn't there some sort of professional ethics, well yes there is and well people and they do snoop, things that aren't there business they happen to make it theirs. Or they make it Jesus's business and they have to be the messenger to all, like they have been called by god. Which is one of my big beefs with religion, those who hurt others with it are just evil. Anyway my point here is just an FYI, if you have any questions as I know my thoughts run through my brain faster than I type, let me know. I am curious of those across the pond with a universal system and how all that works out, especially if the health record is computerized.
Eventually I do believe that we will all be outed in some way as I am sure privacy is so 20th century, there is something to be said for anonymity, but there are also arguments against that too, that would be another blog. Have a good day.
B
February 27, 2010
February 19, 2010
A new find
A New blogger...
I found a new blogger today, she is post op and has been for sometime. She is a writer, creator, and intellectual. Her male story sounds so very similar to mine in that she was married with two kids (I have 3) and had a good career, and dealt with depression. Her gender struggle was one of challenge as she moved forward in life, but alas she succumbed to transition. Her site is:
http://aftertransition.blogspot.com/
now I do not recommend this site for all, as it can stir up many emotions and feelings about ones self. I read it and am like “damn I best get going on my transition tomorrow!” now you and I know I won't, but she makes a great case for it all. One of my favorite lines is: "If I become female, there will be trouble. If I stay male it will be double." As she talks about the mental issues of not transitioning.
Mental issues with not transitioning, hmmm. I can say that I do agree there is something there and I have mentioned it in the past, I related it too another application running in the back ground or a female noise that won't go away. With her it is a mental issue that she describes matter of fact and how she is much better now she is rid of it. She also makes a great case for FFS, which I would bet would be better before transitioning, although that might be difficult in a way.
As I began my day today, I came to an agreement that I was comfortable with where I am and that I can keep doing what I am doing. I can deal with the depression and the noise and continue to go about life. I can say I am no where near 100% living a full life, and that I feel beaten down with little excitement and hope in my life, but I can get through it. We all have our crosses. Then this site comes along out of the blue and someone 20 yrs post transition says, yes it can work, no real losses and she's a much better person now for it. Throw in some Gin Su knives, a Shamwow, and a Snuggly with a price of 19.99 and I am there!
So is this torture should I not look around? I came to this wonderful group having been led in by Callie with those of like mindedness, although some are more on the fence that others, I blame that on you being foreigners...just kidding really! So what to do, what to do, what to do? Well for the moment I will ponder life and such, and try to push it all to the back of the bus and hope I can recover quickly for the depression I am setting myself up for. Anyway don't take the foreigner commit wrong, I believe I would move away if the opportunity existed, but enough country bashing, although I do feel better when I pick at others. Have a good weekend, if your like me don't go to the link, and be happy you have your health.
Hugs,
B
I found a new blogger today, she is post op and has been for sometime. She is a writer, creator, and intellectual. Her male story sounds so very similar to mine in that she was married with two kids (I have 3) and had a good career, and dealt with depression. Her gender struggle was one of challenge as she moved forward in life, but alas she succumbed to transition. Her site is:
http://aftertransition.blogspot.com/
now I do not recommend this site for all, as it can stir up many emotions and feelings about ones self. I read it and am like “damn I best get going on my transition tomorrow!” now you and I know I won't, but she makes a great case for it all. One of my favorite lines is: "If I become female, there will be trouble. If I stay male it will be double." As she talks about the mental issues of not transitioning.
Mental issues with not transitioning, hmmm. I can say that I do agree there is something there and I have mentioned it in the past, I related it too another application running in the back ground or a female noise that won't go away. With her it is a mental issue that she describes matter of fact and how she is much better now she is rid of it. She also makes a great case for FFS, which I would bet would be better before transitioning, although that might be difficult in a way.
As I began my day today, I came to an agreement that I was comfortable with where I am and that I can keep doing what I am doing. I can deal with the depression and the noise and continue to go about life. I can say I am no where near 100% living a full life, and that I feel beaten down with little excitement and hope in my life, but I can get through it. We all have our crosses. Then this site comes along out of the blue and someone 20 yrs post transition says, yes it can work, no real losses and she's a much better person now for it. Throw in some Gin Su knives, a Shamwow, and a Snuggly with a price of 19.99 and I am there!
So is this torture should I not look around? I came to this wonderful group having been led in by Callie with those of like mindedness, although some are more on the fence that others, I blame that on you being foreigners...just kidding really! So what to do, what to do, what to do? Well for the moment I will ponder life and such, and try to push it all to the back of the bus and hope I can recover quickly for the depression I am setting myself up for. Anyway don't take the foreigner commit wrong, I believe I would move away if the opportunity existed, but enough country bashing, although I do feel better when I pick at others. Have a good weekend, if your like me don't go to the link, and be happy you have your health.
Hugs,
B
February 12, 2010
the lighthouse
Keeping things in an ever state of change and to mix it up a bit I thought I would change my blog background. I haven't played around enough to get the really cool schemes that some have, Lori's being one of my favorites that many of you know. So I chose a lighthouse and at the moment find it ever so fitting.
I know I would welcome a lighthouse in the distance to guide my way, I almost wish someone would come take my hand and lead me where I need to go. I am sure almost all of us would like that. This by far has to be the most difficult decision that anyone would make, a decision that changes everything. How can you honestly make that, and make sure it is the right one. I know I can't and thus the reason I am where I am. I always second guess myself always looking for better always trying to improve, but would changing my exterior be an improvement, something for the better? I think about this decision more than I think of anything else, ever. I think about this when I wake up and when I go to be. I once asked someone if that goes away, I called it noise, the noise that is always telling you something is wrong. She said it did, she said she no longer thought of it and that her brain was finally clear and she could rest. I thought wow, what a feeling that must be, to be clear of thought, to not think "somethings not quite right with me" or that "it just doesn't match, or make sense."
How many times have you ever wondered why it doesn't make sense, why something like this was thrust upon you. I know it makes me more tolerant of others that is for sure. It is a cross I bear that I would not wish on anyone, except those holier than thou bastards who think I am some sort of abomination or freak. Yeah I would wish it on them, but I am sure they too have their own cross, they just choose to make others lives miserable so they won't feel their own pain.
So, anyway my lighthouse, I am way too far out in the fog to even see it. My boat is adrift without any direction, and I am pretty sure it is slowly going in circles. As it turns in circles many storms wash upon my bow and toss my little boat from side to side. The winds tear at my sails, and rock my cabin. Very rarely does the sun ever shine, for it is always night. I can say that there are lights in the distance, those that lead me into rocks, or those that lead me out farther to sea. These lights are not the true light that is to guide me, for I probably will never see that light. If I were to believe in an after life I suppose that will be the light to guide me where to go, but I can't even believe in that.
I will keep the light house motif up for a bit, make it a sort of homage to something that will ever escape me. While adrift I do see other boats that pass, I call out and occasionally hear back, but I never quite get close enough to see them or get to realize who they are. From time to time I may bump into them, but as I run to see who they are they drift away, to never be seen again. I suppose I now realize why the lighthouse is a background, I am sure others feel the same. If I can't find the light I do hope to anchor near you, I do hope to shake your hand while standing on my bow in calm seas, but that too is just a dream, and no more will be reality that my light house throwing out her light, for she sits dark in the distance.
Peace
I know I would welcome a lighthouse in the distance to guide my way, I almost wish someone would come take my hand and lead me where I need to go. I am sure almost all of us would like that. This by far has to be the most difficult decision that anyone would make, a decision that changes everything. How can you honestly make that, and make sure it is the right one. I know I can't and thus the reason I am where I am. I always second guess myself always looking for better always trying to improve, but would changing my exterior be an improvement, something for the better? I think about this decision more than I think of anything else, ever. I think about this when I wake up and when I go to be. I once asked someone if that goes away, I called it noise, the noise that is always telling you something is wrong. She said it did, she said she no longer thought of it and that her brain was finally clear and she could rest. I thought wow, what a feeling that must be, to be clear of thought, to not think "somethings not quite right with me" or that "it just doesn't match, or make sense."
How many times have you ever wondered why it doesn't make sense, why something like this was thrust upon you. I know it makes me more tolerant of others that is for sure. It is a cross I bear that I would not wish on anyone, except those holier than thou bastards who think I am some sort of abomination or freak. Yeah I would wish it on them, but I am sure they too have their own cross, they just choose to make others lives miserable so they won't feel their own pain.
So, anyway my lighthouse, I am way too far out in the fog to even see it. My boat is adrift without any direction, and I am pretty sure it is slowly going in circles. As it turns in circles many storms wash upon my bow and toss my little boat from side to side. The winds tear at my sails, and rock my cabin. Very rarely does the sun ever shine, for it is always night. I can say that there are lights in the distance, those that lead me into rocks, or those that lead me out farther to sea. These lights are not the true light that is to guide me, for I probably will never see that light. If I were to believe in an after life I suppose that will be the light to guide me where to go, but I can't even believe in that.
I will keep the light house motif up for a bit, make it a sort of homage to something that will ever escape me. While adrift I do see other boats that pass, I call out and occasionally hear back, but I never quite get close enough to see them or get to realize who they are. From time to time I may bump into them, but as I run to see who they are they drift away, to never be seen again. I suppose I now realize why the lighthouse is a background, I am sure others feel the same. If I can't find the light I do hope to anchor near you, I do hope to shake your hand while standing on my bow in calm seas, but that too is just a dream, and no more will be reality that my light house throwing out her light, for she sits dark in the distance.
Peace
February 07, 2010
Monster Trucks Pushing Through
Tonight I had the privilege of going to see monster trucks with my boys and had a wonderful time with them. Very rarely do just us three go out and do some guy thing. I will say that I hate that it is a guy thing though. My wife described it as a boys night out and I must say that every time she refers to me as a hard (confirmed) male I just cringe inside. I have never said anything to her about this, but it so stings when she does it. Anyway back to the trucks. So I suppose my ramblings here are about the fact that is a truly male dominated sport, and not just like some sports are male dominated, but there are different levels of testosterone that go with different activities and well this had to be in the top five. My thing is I really did enjoy going and seeing these machines run around the arena jumping over stuff and smashing things, does this disqualify me from being part of the trans group? As far as this is concerned I also like computers, I like some building stuff, although my wife would argue with me on that. I like math and science. I like action and destructive movies also. So what does that all make me, I get so confused. Now I will say while at the monster truck thingy I did appreciate the machines for the work of art and sophistication that they possessed, I enjoyed seeing their gracefulness as they jumped and turned and such. Now my boys, the youngest most of all, just enjoyed the "truck" aspect, the loud engines, the size of them, the fact that they were trucks! I also enjoyed seeing her reaction to all of the trucks as he truly enjoyed it all. My oldest didn't want to go, but ended up enjoying it in the end, so no loss there. Back to this testosterone thingy, can I do testosterone driven activities and get away with it? I will say that once I get over some of the initial shock, my desire to transition drops about 2-5% but on conclusion it all comes back, so no foul there. If I were to transition would I have to give it all up, I don't think I could. I know I would never be a girly girl and have no desire to be, which is one of the things that solidified to me that I am transsexual opposed to some fetishist or cder, the clothes don't do it, it is an inner feeling of completeness to look in the mirror and see who you expect to see and not some guy standing there. I will have to do justice to all of this later, as I do not think I am conveying it to my potential.
Next item as mentioned before the whole guy thing, the handsome, the husband, the man, the provider, the macho, the protector, the father, the boy, ect. I hear some of these terms and just want to say, no that is not me! I am not handsome or manly nor should I be. In fact stab me with a sharp object as it would hurt less. I can go as far to say that this will even trigger a depressive episode in my inner self and if not squelched will lead to a further down turn of emotions. The kind of down turn where you want to hurt yourself or run away, the true ugly feelings that I take medication for. They definitely earn their keep in these instances. I do believe I mentioned this once to my wife a long time ago and was told "you are my HUSBAND, and so therefore how can I refer to you any other way?" now this was many years before I took a turn for the worse with my feelings and such, where now she is a bit more careful with what she says. I want to tell her, but don't as it will bring up "are you going to transition and leave me and the kids?" and not wanting to have that discussion, I say nothing and just push through it all over and over again. That is a new term I picked up while working in IT, "push through it" when we are testing software and there is a flaw, we sometimes don't fail it, we push through it to see it the rest of it all works out. I don't like that as I think there will be a failure later when the system is bogged down without the resources to push through it and it causes a crash of sorts. So what happens when my resources are low and I can't push through it, well I do hope I never know. I also wish I would stop being called manly, or am I manly for being able to push through it, I know on a full dose of hormones I could push through it as I would cry. Now I can, so what is best, where is the compromise or trade off I don't think there is one, as I think it is all me, although my wife would argue that my body changes are her compromise I suppose she pushes through that and maybe even calls me manly as it helps her deal with what she sees...never a happy medium huh?
Wishing upon a star,
B
Next item as mentioned before the whole guy thing, the handsome, the husband, the man, the provider, the macho, the protector, the father, the boy, ect. I hear some of these terms and just want to say, no that is not me! I am not handsome or manly nor should I be. In fact stab me with a sharp object as it would hurt less. I can go as far to say that this will even trigger a depressive episode in my inner self and if not squelched will lead to a further down turn of emotions. The kind of down turn where you want to hurt yourself or run away, the true ugly feelings that I take medication for. They definitely earn their keep in these instances. I do believe I mentioned this once to my wife a long time ago and was told "you are my HUSBAND, and so therefore how can I refer to you any other way?" now this was many years before I took a turn for the worse with my feelings and such, where now she is a bit more careful with what she says. I want to tell her, but don't as it will bring up "are you going to transition and leave me and the kids?" and not wanting to have that discussion, I say nothing and just push through it all over and over again. That is a new term I picked up while working in IT, "push through it" when we are testing software and there is a flaw, we sometimes don't fail it, we push through it to see it the rest of it all works out. I don't like that as I think there will be a failure later when the system is bogged down without the resources to push through it and it causes a crash of sorts. So what happens when my resources are low and I can't push through it, well I do hope I never know. I also wish I would stop being called manly, or am I manly for being able to push through it, I know on a full dose of hormones I could push through it as I would cry. Now I can, so what is best, where is the compromise or trade off I don't think there is one, as I think it is all me, although my wife would argue that my body changes are her compromise I suppose she pushes through that and maybe even calls me manly as it helps her deal with what she sees...never a happy medium huh?
Wishing upon a star,
B
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